Ray of hope
The morning light filtered through the hospital blinds in pale tired strips. Rabiya's eyelids fluttered consciousness returning like a tide pulling her under rather than pushing her toward air....She became aware of the bed beneath her the antiseptic smell the weight of something foreign in her veins.
She turned her head slowly and saw him...
Sarbuland sat in a chair pulled close to her bed his posture rigid with exhaustion his eyes red rimmed from sleeplessness... He leaned forward immediately when he saw her awake.. his hand reaching for the glass of water on the side table.
"Rabiya..." His voice cracked. He cleared his throat offering the water with hands that trembled slightly. "Pehle Pani pee lein...."
Rabiya tried to lift herself but her body felt like lead. He supported her shoulders helping her sit up enough to drink. The water was cool soothing against her parched throat but it did nothing to quell the storm inside her....
She was still vulnerable still raw still feeling Torsam's fingers around her wrist his words against her ear. The memory crashed over her like a wave and she began to shake....
Sarbuland set the glass aside his eyes searching her face. "Ap thek hain na " he asked softly.... "Ap fikar na karain woh torsam ussko police ly gai hai.."
Rabiya looked at him really looked at this man who had become her husband in name but her protector in truth. She saw the worry etched in his face the exhaustion he try to hide behind duty the burden she had become to him. The weight of it all crushed her....
Tears spilled over hot and relentless. "Kyu bachya Mujhe..mar Jane dety..." she whispered the words tearing from her soul. "Main nahi jeena chahti."
Sarbuland went very still. " Phir Sy wahi baatein...Aisi baatein kyun kar rahi hain.."His voice was gentle but she heard the fear beneath it. "Aap kyu fikar Karti hain. Main hoon na. Kuch nahi hoga..."
"Nahin" Rabiya sobbed, her hands coming up to cover her face. "Torsam... woh mera peecha nahi kabhi nahi chhodega . Woh mujhe dhoond lega..Apko nahi pata woh Pagal ho Chuka hai.." She looked at him through her tears her eyes hollow with despair. "Isse behtar hai ke main... main mar jaoon. Is zindagi se maut achi hai..."
"Chup" Sarbuland's voice was sharp, cutting through her words. He reached out, his fingers wrapping around her wrists, pulling her hands from her face. "Aisa phir kabhi mat kehna... Kabhi nahi."
Rabiya shook her head, grief overwhelming her. "Kyu Meri Zindagi mein Reh hi Kya gaya hai ..sab to khatam hogaya to jee kar Kya faida or waise bhi Kisi ko meri zaroorat nahi hai" she cried. "Main bojh ban gayi hoon sab par..or ab Aap par bhi...."
"Nahi aisa nahi hai"
"Nahi aisa hi hai" she interrupted, her voice rising with hysteria. "Sab meri wajah se ho raha hai.. Meri wajah se Muddasir ki jaan Chali gayi.. Meri wajah se mere bhai aur mamoo mushkil mein hain .. Aur ab..." she choked on a sob, her body convulsing. "Ab aap bhi meri wajah se mushkil mein hain...meri hi wajha Sy ap iss zabardasti ky rishty mein bandh gaye ....."
She collapsed against the pillows, her sobs racking her fragile frame each cry a dagger in Sarbuland's heart....
He felt helpless, watching her shatter. He felt her pain as if it were his own, her guilt settling into his bones like a disease. This woman his wife this brave broken woman believed herself responsible for all the evil that had befallen her. She carried the world on shoulders too narrow to bear it....
He moved from the chair to the edge of her bed his hand finding hers his fingers intertwining with her cold trembling ones.
"Aap bojh nahi hain mujhe par ..mujhe afsos hai ky main Apko yeh yaqeen nahi dila paya ky ap mere liye bayese izzat Hain " he said, his voice rough with emotion. "Aap meri... aap meri zimmedari hain...or ab Meri izzat bhi..Apki hifazat Karna Mera farz hai..."
Rabiya turned her face away her tears soaking the pillow....
Sarbuland's grip on her hand tightened. "Or apko aisa kyu lagta hai ky kissi ko apki zaroorat nahi " he said firmly. "Bibijaan. Unko aapki zaroorat hai...pata hai kitna pyaar Karti Hain woh apse "
Rabiya said nothing her shoulders still shaking....
"Or apka Bhai Kya Naam bataya tha apne usska tayyab Haina woh bhi to hai ." he continued, his voice dropping lower, more intimate. "Apke mamoo. ..or muddasir bhi to yehi Chahta tha na Ky ap Khush rahein ..to in sab ky liye Apko Jeena Hoga .."
Still silent....
Sarbuland took a breath a deep shuddering inhalation that felt like diving into deep water. He held her hand in both of his now, his thumbs tracing circles on her palm his heart hammering against his ribs.
"Or mere liye bhi " he whispered.
Rabiya's breath caught. She turned her head slowly her eyes finding his wide with surprise....
Sarbuland nodded his gaze steady despite the fear coursing through him. "Mere liye " he repeated, stronger this time. "Main... main bhi aapko nahi khona chahta."
He held her hand this connection between them the only solid thing in a dissolving world. "Rabiya" he began his voice careful deliberate "main jaanta hoon humari shadi ki haqeeqat.humare iss rishty ki haqeeqat.. Main jaanta hoon ke yeh shaadi zabardasti hui thi....par shadi to hui hai na..hum dono ky apne apne khuwab thy par qismat ko Kuch or hi manzoor tha ...main Janta ho hum dono hi shadi ky liye raazi nahi thy."
Rabiya's eyes filled with fresh tears but she didn't look away.
"Par sach kaho to" he continued, his voice gaining strength "ab main issey nibhana chahta hoon. Yeh rishta... yeh jo hum dono ke beech hai... main issey aage badhana chahta hoon. At least hum koshish to kar sakty hain."
Rabiya stared at him her lips trembling. "Aap... aap mujhse hamdardi kar rahe hain na..mujh par Taras kha kar ap iss shadi ko qaim rakhna Chahty hain..Haina " she asked, her voice small, afraid of the answer. "Aap ko bura lag raha hai mere liye... isliye aap aisa keh rahe hain..ohh haan main to apky dost ki di hui zimedari Hoon na Jo bilwajha ap par musalat hogai hai.."
..........
Sarbuland shook his head immediately fiercely. "Nahi.... Aisa nahi hai." He leaned closer his forehead almost touching hers. "Main sach mein aapke saath rehna chahta hoon.."
"Kyun wajha jaan sakti Hoon..." The question was barely audible hanging between them like a fragile thread....
Sarbuland was silent for a long moment his eyes searching hers looking for words that could capture the enormity of what he felt. "Pata nahi " he admitted finally his voice raw. "Par aapke saath ek apnapan sa mehsoos hota hai.. Aisa lagta hai jaise..." He paused, struggling. "Jaise apna aap mukammal sa lagta ho ..Aisa lagta hai ke..."
He shook his head frustrated. "Pata nahi...Yeh feeling ke liye mere paas ilfaz nahi hain. Bas itna samajh lijiye ke..." He took her hand and pressed it to his chest over his heart. "Iss Dil main apky liye Aik khaas jagha hai..."
Rabiya looked at him really looked at him and saw the truth in his eyes. Saw the fear of losing her the desperate need to keep her close the beginnings of something that looked remarkably like love....
Sarbuland held her gaze, his heart laid bare. "Main bas itna kehna chahta hoon mujhe zaroorat hai apki ..apky Sath ki " he whispered his voice thick with emotion, "kal jab mujhe pata chala ke aap lapata hain... ... aisa laga jaise mujhe kuch ho jayega. Jaise meri saansein ruk jayengi."
His eyes filled with tears tears he had held back for too long. "Maine pehle hi bahut logon ko khoya hai Rabiya...Mere Bhai Meri maa jaise bhabhi. Muddasir.. aur ab Bano bhi..." His voice broke. "Par Main aapko nahi khona chahta. Sach Keh raha Hoon..."
The words hung in the air between them honest raw terrifying in their vulnerability....
Rabiya stared at him, her tears forgotten her grief momentarily eclipsed by the enormity of what he was offering...Not duty Not pity But himself... His heart. A future built not on force, but on choice.
"Sarbuland..." she whispered, and in that single word was the beginning of something new. Something terrifying Something beautiful.
He held her hand tighter waiting...
The confession hung between them fragile and trembling, like a bridge spun from glass. Sarbuland held Rabiya's hand pressed against his heart feeling the erratic rhythm of his own pulse the weight of vulnerability pressing down upon him like a physical force... He had laid himself bare offered his truth and now waited in the silence that followed...
But the words kept coming. They poured from him now, unstoppable, a dam breaking that had held back years of sorrow.
"I am tired " he whispered, his voice cracking. "Main bohat thak gaya hoon Rabiya..."
His shoulders began to shake. He released her hand bringing both of his own to cover his face his body curling inward as if to protect himself from his own breaking. "Mujhe darr lagta hai" he admitted, the words muffled against his palms. "Buhat zyada darr lagta hai... nakaami se..Aik baar phir sab haar Jane Sy..."
Rabiya watched him frozen her tears drying on her cheeks. She had never seen him like this....this strong man this Sardar crumbling before her.
"Mera Bhai" Sarbuland continued, his hands dropping to reveal eyes red-rimmed and swimming. "Main unhe bacha nahi saka.or ab unky qatiloon ko bhi nahi dhond pa Raha..."
He looked at her his face wet his composure shattered. "Aur ab Bano. Woh kahan hai, zinda hai ya nahi, mujhe nahi pata. Main use bhi dhoond nahi saka. Main ne use bhi kho diya..."
Rabiya reached out tentatively her fingers brushing his arm. He caught her hand, holding it like a lifeline.
"Aur ab aap bhi Aise baatein kar rahi mujhse dor Jane ki ..mujhse nahi Saha ja Raha" he said, his voice breaking. "Main buhat Akela Hoon ..main chahta Hoon koi Meri himmat bane Meri taqat bane .or mujhe ap mein hi apna humdard Nazar ata hai ..main Apko hi woh hamdard manta Hoon jissky kandhy par main sar Rakh kar ro sako ..."
He leaned forward his forehead coming to rest against their clasped hands. " Kyu ky Hum dono ky dukh Aik jaise hain " he whispered. "Hum dono aik hi dard se guzar rahe hain aik hi gham se... issilye Meri taqleef apse behtar or Apki taqleef mujhse behtar koi nahi samjh sakta"
Rabiya felt his tears wet against her fingers hot and desperate. She had never imagined he carried such weight....
"Shayad" he said, lifting his head to meet her eyes, "shayad isi liye Allah tala ny humein Aik dusre ky naseeb mein likha hai...taky hum Aik dusre ko sambhal lein..."
Rabiya looked at him at this man who had become her husband in chaos who had protected her without asking for anything who now sat before her with his heart in pieces and she felt something shift inside her chest...
"Main sach mein khush rehna chahti hoon.. " she whispered her voice trembling with the weight of the admission...
She looked at him her eyes pleading for understanding for relief. "Main bas apni sukoon chahti hoon..."
Sarbuland moved then shifting from his chair to sit on the edge of her bed. He reached out his hands framing her face, his thumbs wiping away her tears with infinite gentleness. He looked into her eyes deeply completely and he saw her. The carefree girl she had been the woman she had become the weight she carried.
"Aap Zaroor khush raheingi" he promised, his voice steady despite his tears. "Hum dono ..humdo Khush raheingy..humein humare hissy ki khushiyaan Zaroor milengi..."
He pressed his forehead to hers their breath mingling their broken hearts beating in sync....
Rabiya closed her eyes his words settling into the hollow places inside her warming the cold corners of her heart.. For the first time since Muddasir's death since her world had ended, she felt something other than despair...
Sarbuland pulled back slightly his hands still cradling her face his thumbs gently brushing the last traces of tears from her cheeks. His eyes held hers steady and sure trying to pour every ounce of reassurance he possessed into that single gaze....
"Aap fikar na karein," he said softly his voice warm like honey. "Sab theek ho jayega...Hum mil kar sab theek kar lenge."
Rabiya looked at him searching his face for any sign of doubt any hesitation. She found none only determination only care only a promise that seemed to reach into her soul and anchor her. She nodded slowly her breath hitching slightly as the weight of her grief began to lift just a fraction just enough to breathe....
Sarbuland smiled then a small tender smile that transformed his exhausted face. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead his lips warm and soft against her skin. It was a gesture of comfort of protection of something deeper that neither was ready to name.
Rabiya's breath caught her eyes fluttering closed at the touch..When he pulled back she opened her eyes,
and he saw it the color rising in her cheeks the shyness in her gaze the way she looked away quickly as if suddenly aware of how close they were. She bit her lower lip her fingers twisting in the bedsheet suddenly shy in a way that made his heart soften further....
Sarbuland noticed her discomfort and decided to lighten the mood. He straightened up stretching his arms above his head with an exaggerated groan then pressed his fingers to his temples.
"Mere to sar mein Dard hogaya" he said, his tone playful a teasing glint in his eyes. "Itna rula diya mujhe ...."
Rabiya's eyes snapped back to him her mouth falling open in indignation. She glared at him her brows furrowing her lips pursing in mock offense. "Acha ji ..Maine rulaya..." she huffed but there was no real anger in it only the beginning of something lighter something normal in the midst of their chaos...
Sarbuland laughed a genuine warm sound that filled the room and seemed to push back the shadows. It was the first time she had heard him truly laugh and it did something strange to her chest made something flutter there that she had thought long dead.
"Chaliye ab aap bataiye ke kya khana hai?" he asked still smiling his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Bohat bhook lagi hogi. Hukum karain Kya Chahye..."
Rabiya thought for a moment her glare softening into something gentle.. her mind was blank but overwhelmed by the sudden shift from despair to this... this warmth...
"Kuch bhi," she said softly her voice small but steady. "Jo aap laein... woh theek hai."
Sarbuland shook his head... "Acha theek hai Aap aaram karein main abhi lata hoon."
He stood up running a hand through his disheveled hair. He looked at her one more time, ensuring she was truly calm, truly okay. Satisfied he turned toward the door.
Rabiya watched him go the door clicking softly behind him and she lay back against the pillows her hand touching her forehead where his lips had been. The shyness still warmed her cheeks but beneath it something else bloomed gratitude comfort and the fragile tentative beginning of hope....
