From stranger to friends to lovers to stranger
From strangers to friends to lovers to strangers again. How can someone go from “ call me when you get home” to never talking to you again. Drifting apart farther and farther from each but still having the memories of each other stuck in your head. The intoxicating aura surrounding your spirit, but it wasn't the city I was concentrating on, it was you. It hit me at once. The moment of realization that my liking towards you was more, it wasn't just a fondness or some “interest”. It was the voracious feeling of craving of your attention and love. Trying to put the pieces back together, perhaps I can tease broken pieces and make something. Something that was once broken surely can become better. I'm trying to convince myself that nothing was broken, in fact the start of something beautiful. When falling in love with your best friend, all you do is daydream and fantasize about an alternative universe where you both were meant to be. You get to a certain point where your surroundings become more solid. All the small details become more clear. It’s like your brain tracks all the things that they do and you can't help but make a mental note in your head. It's flattering. Their favorite song, how they laugh, it's loud and absurd, the faces they make were there concentrating. I knew the moment it was over when I had that gut feeling in my stomach telling me that we were over. Stayed up all night with tears in my ears but somehow grasping on to the bit of hope. My heart ached to wake up with a good morning text from you, and that our conversation did not happen. But I had to wake up with this empty feeling inside me and continue with my life. All good times are gone and all promises are vanished. Everything that happened starts to feel like such a long time ago, so long ago that you start to wonder if it was even real. Yet I cannot find peace. You start thinking “could I have done something different?”, “did he simply not love me enough?’’. You drive yourself crazy with hundreds of thoughts inside your brain. The worst thing is when you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never ever talked to them before, when really you knew so much about them. Stranger that's all i see, when i look into your eyes. A soulmate that wasn't meant to be. The pain from heartbreak or the reality I wake up to, realizing I'm still stuck in the same curse. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace is emptiness, echoes of love I put my everything into. The most beautiful of memories are the worst, having them replay in my head when I see you or think about you. I wonder if you're okay, I wonder if you regret us, and I wonder if you ever really cared. There are so many more questions I have but we are strangers now so I will never know. Why? Why did we do all of this just to become strangers? Strangers who knew each other's secrets. Strangers who used to be inseparable, but yet got separated. How could you be strangers with someone you were once in love with, the person who knew you better than yourself. I read, I draw, I try to distract myself from you, from the past, the present and the future. From those memories of all the times you made me the happiest person in the world. I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice. Then that day arrived and it was so hard but the next was harder. I knew with a sinking feeling that it was going to get worse. And that I wasn't going to be okay for a while. Because losing someone isn't an occasion event it happens over and over again. I lose you every time I see you, when that one song comes on, or when I discover a letter you wrote me. I lose you every time I think about wanting to hug you, or talk to you. I lose you when I go to bed wanting to tell you about my day. I can't forget you. I can't forget the little things that make you who you are as a person. I can't forget the way your eyes lit up when talking about something you were interested in. I can't look you in the eyes, I once saw a future together and pretended to see nothing. I'm scared to move on because moving on means accepting our fate as strangers and I'd rather be heartbroken than forget you. Together or apart, a part of you will always be with me. And now we are completely staragers with each other's secrets.
