Prologue
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and feel like a normal person. Normal people don’t wake up and start to think about everything wrong in the world. They don’t think about how pointless everything is and that caring about what happens just leads to sadness and heartbreak. According to my mom, I have a really bad outlook on life. I think that we are all gonna die eventually and no one will remember anything we have done so there is really no point to the things we do. No one will know our accomplishments or mistakes. Our actions will be meaningless to the people living hundreds of years after us. So what is the point? I honestly don’t know. I used to think like normal people. I could go through my day without thinking, “What’s the point?” I used to be happy with everything in my life. Everything mattered to me. Soccer, school, friends, and family were always on my mind. Each one was meaningful to me along with other things in my life as well. Not anymore. I realized that the more you care about something, the more it’s gonna hurt when you lose it. One day you could be perfectly happy with your life and everything in it and the next you could be on your bed feeling so broken and numb that you can’t breathe. I gave too much power to the things I cared about. I didn’t want to feel that pain anymore, so I stopped caring. I convinced myself and everyone around me that nothing mattered to me anymore. And it worked for a little while, until it didn’t anymore.
This whole not caring thing started last summer. My summer started with me being the happiest I've ever been. I had great friends, I ended my year with great grades, and I had the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ask for. His hair was blond and he was 6”3. He was funny and compassionate and would do anything to make me smile. I met him at a soccer tournament about 2 years before the summer. He lived in Oregon and I lived in California. After we exchanged phone numbers and texted back and forth for about a year, we started dating. It wasn’t ideal for my first boyfriend to live in a different state, but he made me happy and we did what we could to have a happy and healthy relationship. His name was Conner and he lit up my entire world. The only problem was that my mom didn’t want me dating anyone because I was 12 and she thought that was too young for a boyfriend. So, we kept it a secret from my family and friends. After about a year of dating, I finally got the courage to tell some of my friends about him. Everything was looking up, until that one call that turned everything around.
