Flashing Red

I can’t sleep. I know I should. I know I need to to brace myself for the holidays. To keep myself sane. But I just can’t sleep. It’s four am, my flights at eight, and I have. Not. Slept.

The wind is howling outside, and I find myself shivering despite the warmth of the blankets I’ve wrapped around myself. I pray to god the weather doesn’t last, that my plane takes off today without any delay and with me sitting inside.

I throw my blankets off and stand up, knowing that if I won’t sleep I can at least make sure I’m ready. I run over my mental checklist and curse myself for preparing everything weeks ago.

Still, I double check my bags, my flight time, how long it will take to get to the airport. Everything will be fine as long as I leave by 6:15. And as long as the weather calms down. As long as nothing happens on the way there. As long as no one tries to stop me from leaving-

I take a deep breath and decide to grab myself a glass of water. Tip toeing past my family’s bedrooms and holding my breath trying to avoid the creaky steps, I find my way to the kitchen and immediately startle. My little sister is searching the fridge in front of me curiously, not having noticed me yet.

I start backing up slowly when she turns her head sharply towards me. “Hey Lia! I didn’t see you there,” She beams and chuckles lightly.

I pause, taking a sharp breath. “Hey stells! Uh, watcha doing up so late?”

She studies me, and I turn and walk to the cupboard to escape her gaze. “I could ask you the same thing. Are you planning on leaving this year? Again?”

“...No.”

“Right. So your bags are packed for no reason. And you’ve canceled the flight you booked this August.” I give her the stink eye. She gives it right back.

“Have you been snooping on my laptop again? I told you to stop that!” I try my hardest not to slam the cupboard closed as I grab my glass, walking to the sink. It would do me no good waking anyone else up right now.

“That’s not the point and you know it,” Stella answers as I fill up my glass.

I try taking another deep breath, taking in the familiar scent of copper and honeysuckle, my mother’s favourite flower. It doesn’t help as much as I’d hoped it would, so instead I focus on what to say to my sister to get myself back up to my room unscathed and out the door within the next two hours.

“Right. It’s just a day trip, I swear. I’ll be back before you know it for our tradition of shortbread cookies and hot chocolate. I’m not missing out on it again this year.” She gets a wistful look in her eyes and turns away, and I quickly finish my water and start back upstairs, before she calls out,

“Wait!” I turn back and I’m immediately hit with a hug so tight I ache. She’s gotten so strong the past few years, and I feel tears growing in my eyes. I blink them away as I whisper,

“Goodnight. I love you stells. You were the best sister I could ever ask for,” and then I’m marching back up the stairs and she’s smiling and turning back to the fridge to decide on a midnight snack. Good.

I focus on the faint smell of copper still hanging in the air as I make my way to my room again, just as carefully as when I crept down, and run over my plans to leave again.

It’s 5:45, time to start loading the car if I want to leave in time. I grab my bags and start creeping downstairs again. Stella’s door is closed and her light is off, so I’m sure she’s finally asleep, but I’m determined not to be caught off-guard again. I’m prepared to talk anyone into letting me leave for my “day trip”.

As I make my way by the kitchen to the front door I spot a container with a note on top. It wasn’t there earlier. I softly set my bags down, telling myself I’ll just stop for a second to check it out.

I open the lid and peak inside and, oh! Stella made me breakfast. It’s pancakes, bacon and a little shortbread cookie ready for me to reheat.

I don’t bother, already making my way back to my stuff as I read the note on top. It reads “Breakfast for my favourite sister! Have fun today, but make it back in time tomorrow, okay? I put the cookie in there as a little reminder -Stells :)” Just as I finish reading the note stumble over my bags, making one of them fall over with a thump sound.

Immediately I pick everything back up, putting stella’s breakfast on top, and rush to the car, grabbing my keys on the way out.

As I reach the midpoint of the road I look in my mirrors and see my mother standing just outside the door in her bathrobe, her eyebrows crinkled and just watching me go, lips turning downwards.

I suddenly think of her from five years ago, in the same bathrobe, smiling and waving me off to my first day of school, her fingernails still bright red from the last time I had painted them.

I’m sure they’re longer than they used to be. She used to cut them short just because she knew I never liked painting long nails. She would always laugh when I called long nails impractical, yet every friday they would be just the length I like them for our weekly nail painting sessions.

I come back into the moment and give myself one more glance at her long bare fingernails, and focus on the road ahead once more. No going back now.

As I continue my route to the airport through the snow my thoughts fly by. The snow makes for poor visibility, I can’t find the right temperature to stop the heat crawling up my neck without freezing my fingers off, and I can’t decide if my sister’s prepacked breakfast is edible or not.

We’ve eaten way too many take outs this year and I can’t exactly trust her cooking.

I’m not even sure if I can even eat it right now without it coming right back up. I chuck it into the backseat and leave it there when I leave the car in the parking lot of the airport.

It’s 7 o’clock and I’m making good time, rushing through customs and bag check, making it to the waiting area.

I’ve been avoiding looking at the delay screens they put everywhere in this place, but as I sit and settle down I can’t put it off any longer. I look at my flight just as it changes from severely delayed to cancelled.

Oh god. Cancelled. As in not leaving. As in staying here. With them. I can’t do this.

I spring up and start pacing, trying to think of what to do, of what I can even do. And as I turn around to start another one of my laps I see them. My family. My eyes widen and I can feel myself freeze.

“Amelia!” I hear my mother’s shrill voice pierce my ears, but no one else seems to even look over.

“Oh Amelia! We were so worried when we saw you leave! Stella told us about your plans but the weather outside was so horrible, and we wanted to make sure you got here safely! And good thing we did, now we can drive you home safely since your flight’s been cancelled,” My father rambles as he wrings his hands. I force a smile to my face and try to stamp down the panic growing inside me. It’s absolutely no help to me now.

My father grabs my arm to start guiding me back out, his fingers gripping tighter when I take a second to move with him, still caught up in my panic. I’m sure he’s just trying to ground me, so I start walking while my sister and dad start to chatter.

As I start thinking of escape plans I feel a shiver run up my spine and I just know my mother is staring at me while I walk ahead of her.

We get to the car, and Stella chooses the middle seat and sidles up right next to me, talking my ear off as I gaze out the window. I try to hide my jump when I hear my Dad turn on the child locks, but I must not be successful as he turns back to me and says, ”Oh don’t worry about that! Stella’s just been a jokester lately and jumping out of the car before I’ve come to a stop, so I lock the car up just in case she tries again. No stupid hospital trips over here, no sirree!” Stella just chuckles and I find myself realizing that I don’t even remember if that’s something Stella would do. I don’t dwell on it, instead focusing back on the landscape outside while I brainstorm.

We make it back to the house with Stella latched to my side the whole time, my dad stealing glances every few seconds and my mother outright staring. There’s no way I can leave now.

The front door clicks closed behind us and I let my mind fog over. If they don’t know how much I know then everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.

I’m thinking about my favourite things when I hear Stella chuckle darkly and the fog recedes.