Chapter 1: I FĂșck Carrots
It all started with a fight between my sister and her fiancĂ©. It wasnât a real fight, obviously. Thatâs just what they do to get me out of the house so they can go into the bedroom if you know what I mean. When they fight itâs all âoh you are SUCH a jellyfishâ and âI am going to fight you with my belly buttonâ. Mental.
Luckily for both of our sakes, I know how to take a hint. Iâm not stupid, I know they need their alone time, they are nearly married so sexual tensions are quite high. So once I hear them fighting I get the hell out. I usually go to the park and sit on the swings in my phone. Alternatively, I might go to the woods and walk around while listening to music on my phone. Today seems to be the latter. If anyone is interested, Iâm listening to âOut Of My Leagueâ by Fitz and the Tantrums. But if I tell the truth, itâs actually âDance The Night Awayâ by TWICE (my bias is Chaeyeong so donât ask).
My favorite part of the woods is stepping on all the crunchy leaves in Autumn, looking at all the flowers in Spring, throwing snowballs at trees in Winter. In Summer I donât leave the house because I hate hot weather.
In case I become relevant, my name is Empire Gatehouse and I am 17. My favorite color is 62789c or Slate Blue. My personality thingy is ISTJ-T or a logistician. My favorite song is Perfect World by TWICE and my favorite group is obviously TWICE. My zodiac sign is Libra so my birthday is October 9th. My pronouns are I donât give a fĂșck. My sexuality is carrot. My top 3 hobbies are:
âąlistening to music
âąrunning
âąeating food.
And I am from Vietnam/Australia/The Philippines. Thank you very much.
And Iâm single. Cry about it.
So today I am in the woods. Walking around crunching leaves underneath my Doc Martens. The air is very crispy which gives me a good clear mind. Itâs a good day for a bit of a ponder, a bit of a think. Today I am thinking about 1 of 3 things;
1) food.
2) the song I am listening to.
3) About how lonely I am and that no one in my life truly cares for me and everyone around me has fallen in love and I still havenât because there is no one in the entire universe who I care enough about to crush on.
Itâs not that there is NO ONE to crush on. I just know no one will like me back. Iâm the emo grunge kid, go figure. I would date one of three people.
Jeremy QuincĂš
Marcus Makeova
Rhonda Postlae
See? Lots of people to crush on. Jeremy would never date me, heâs openly homophobic. Oops. Marcus has big love hearts in his eyes whenever he looks at Sophie McTaylor. Rhonda already has a boyfriend, they have been together since 7th grade (I know itâs crazy). But I donât care (liar) I love myself and you know the people above? All fictional. Here is a more accurate list;
1)
2)
3)
No one because Iâm too hot for anyone in my general vicinity. Yeah, Iâm THAT guy. At least I know my self worth. Canât say you silly fĂșcks do. I love myself and thatâs all I need. But say there was someone. I wouldnât be opposed. Providing they are cute and stuff (yes THEY. I already told you, my sexuality is a carrot which means I like dic- I mean I like carrots, kinky, I know). Right now, rambling in my mind, I feel like the man emoji. Insert picture here.
Letâs move on from that generally depressing topic. Onto lighter topics, like my walk today. Itâs a good autumn day. The leaves are crunchy and the air is crisp. Iâm bored.
I have decided to play a game. Iâm going to name everything I can see.
âLizardâ
âCloudsâ
âDivior Hillâ
âOld fold-up chairâ
âWeird Ă ss doorâ
âA nooseâ I let out a sigh because yeah. âNiceâ
âCloversâ
And then my dumbĂ ss brain finally realised. Yeah, there is fĂșcking door. Not like a house door. Like elevator doors. You know those metal ones? Yeah, those. Random. I suddenly feel VERY alone and like a pĂșss- I mean scaredy-cat. Only my lesbian sister is allowed to say that. Because sheâs attracted to it or some stupid reason. She just wants to, and I quote âmaintain your innocenceâ. Maâam, with all due respect, I think if you have fĂșcked one, you can refer to it without the scientific term. Eliza Mulberry, I was 14, she was 15. It was a dare, okay? It was⊠hairy. Thatâs why I only like carrots. Traumatized. No hate for Eliza though, sheâs a sweetie pie. Couldnât care less.
Iâm leaving because Iâm not stupid and Iâm not going in there because DUH. Iâm not a stupid cliche protagonist. Iâm a hot one.
