Chapter 1: I Fúck Carrots
It all started with a fight between my sister and her fiancé. It wasn’t a real fight, obviously. That’s just what they do to get me out of the house so they can go into the bedroom if you know what I mean. When they fight it’s all “oh you are SUCH a jellyfish” and “I am going to fight you with my belly button”. Mental.
Luckily for both of our sakes, I know how to take a hint. I’m not stupid, I know they need their alone time, they are nearly married so sexual tensions are quite high. So once I hear them fighting I get the hell out. I usually go to the park and sit on the swings in my phone. Alternatively, I might go to the woods and walk around while listening to music on my phone. Today seems to be the latter. If anyone is interested, I’m listening to ‘Out Of My League’ by Fitz and the Tantrums. But if I tell the truth, it’s actually ‘Dance The Night Away’ by TWICE (my bias is Chaeyeong so don’t ask).
My favorite part of the woods is stepping on all the crunchy leaves in Autumn, looking at all the flowers in Spring, throwing snowballs at trees in Winter. In Summer I don’t leave the house because I hate hot weather.
In case I become relevant, my name is Empire Gatehouse and I am 17. My favorite color is 62789c or Slate Blue. My personality thingy is ISTJ-T or a logistician. My favorite song is Perfect World by TWICE and my favorite group is obviously TWICE. My zodiac sign is Libra so my birthday is October 9th. My pronouns are I don’t give a fúck. My sexuality is carrot. My top 3 hobbies are:
•listening to music
•running
•eating food.
And I am from Vietnam/Australia/The Philippines. Thank you very much.
And I’m single. Cry about it.
So today I am in the woods. Walking around crunching leaves underneath my Doc Martens. The air is very crispy which gives me a good clear mind. It’s a good day for a bit of a ponder, a bit of a think. Today I am thinking about 1 of 3 things;
1) food.
2) the song I am listening to.
3) About how lonely I am and that no one in my life truly cares for me and everyone around me has fallen in love and I still haven’t because there is no one in the entire universe who I care enough about to crush on.
It’s not that there is NO ONE to crush on. I just know no one will like me back. I’m the emo grunge kid, go figure. I would date one of three people.
Jeremy Quincè
Marcus Makeova
Rhonda Postlae
See? Lots of people to crush on. Jeremy would never date me, he’s openly homophobic. Oops. Marcus has big love hearts in his eyes whenever he looks at Sophie McTaylor. Rhonda already has a boyfriend, they have been together since 7th grade (I know it’s crazy). But I don’t care (liar) I love myself and you know the people above? All fictional. Here is a more accurate list;
1)
2)
3)
No one because I’m too hot for anyone in my general vicinity. Yeah, I’m THAT guy. At least I know my self worth. Can’t say you silly fúcks do. I love myself and that’s all I need. But say there was someone. I wouldn’t be opposed. Providing they are cute and stuff (yes THEY. I already told you, my sexuality is a carrot which means I like dic- I mean I like carrots, kinky, I know). Right now, rambling in my mind, I feel like the man emoji. Insert picture here.
Let’s move on from that generally depressing topic. Onto lighter topics, like my walk today. It’s a good autumn day. The leaves are crunchy and the air is crisp. I’m bored.
I have decided to play a game. I’m going to name everything I can see.
“Lizard”
“Clouds”
“Divior Hill”
“Old fold-up chair”
“Weird àss door”
“A noose” I let out a sigh because yeah. “Nice”
“Clovers”
And then my dumbàss brain finally realised. Yeah, there is fúcking door. Not like a house door. Like elevator doors. You know those metal ones? Yeah, those. Random. I suddenly feel VERY alone and like a púss- I mean scaredy-cat. Only my lesbian sister is allowed to say that. Because she’s attracted to it or some stupid reason. She just wants to, and I quote “maintain your innocence”. Ma’am, with all due respect, I think if you have fúcked one, you can refer to it without the scientific term. Eliza Mulberry, I was 14, she was 15. It was a dare, okay? It was… hairy. That’s why I only like carrots. Traumatized. No hate for Eliza though, she’s a sweetie pie. Couldn’t care less.
I’m leaving because I’m not stupid and I’m not going in there because DUH. I’m not a stupid cliche protagonist. I’m a hot one.
