An Apology, Among Other Things

I’m sorry for the other night

Ruining the mood with my sheer presence

I didn’t want the focus to be me

But it was

And I’m sorry

I don’t think I’ll ever be alright

At least not in the moment

Maybe one day down the line

I can forget all of this

And feel better

I’m sorry for wasting your time

And for ruining your day

I won’t put blame

It’s natural to want to know how I’m feeling

I appreciate the kind words but I don’t believe them

I’m no one’s favorite person, and nobody cares how I’m doing

I’m a husk, a shell of a being

With buttons people press for “say a funny” or “sing a little song”

I’m a whisper in a sea of screams

A tiny speck tinier than the tiniest of the tiny specks

I’m a tiny fish in a small pond full of fish much too large

I’m a nothing, a nobody

I’m a tree that fell

No one cared to listen

I’m an echo of a sound no one made

A shadow of a thing that never existed

I’m nothing and no one

An afterthought among footnotes of afterthoughts

I disappear from people’s memories before they can even register I was there

I’m useless, I’m pointless, I’m worthless

I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you

I didn’t mean to make you feel bad

It’s all I’m good for, really

Killing the mood

I’m sorry

I know I don’t stand out much

I’m not the most attractive

Don’t have the best smile

Or laugh

Or stories

I don’t tell the best jokes

I’m not the nicest

I’m not the most interesting to talk to

I’m a mess

My hair’s too messy

My face is weird

I’m dull to be around

I barely talk to people

I force my way into conversations to have some form of purpose

I’m sorry about that one, by the way

I’m the ugly parasite that everyone tolerates because they have to

Because I force them to

I’ve debated letting them have a choice

I can’t bring myself to ask if they want me gone

I’m afraid of the answer

Either option becomes agony for me

Not because they’re both painful

But because I’ll only believe one of them

I thought venting might make me feel better

But it only made you feel worse

This was a terrible day for this to happen

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I exist

That you met me

That at one point you believed my lies

The ones where I said I was interesting

Where I said I was funny

Where I tried to hide the obvious truths of myself

I’m sorry you had to see the real me

The pitiful loser that can’t do anything right

The purposeless husk of what once was a human being

The unending dread of existence personified

I’m sorry