1 - An Apology
I’m sorry for the other night
Ruining the mood with my sheer presence
I didn’t want the focus to be me
But it was
And I’m sorry
I don’t think I’ll ever be alright
At least not in the moment
Maybe one day down the line
I can forget all of this
And feel better
I’m sorry for wasting your time
And for ruining your day
I won’t put blame
It’s natural to want to know how I’m feeling
I appreciate the kind words but I don’t believe them
I’m no one’s favorite person, and nobody cares how I’m doing
I’m a husk, a shell of a being
With buttons people press for “say a funny” or “sing a little song”
I’m a whisper in a sea of screams
A tiny speck tinier than the tiniest of the tiny specks
I’m a tiny fish in a small pond full of fish much too large
I’m a nothing, a nobody
I’m a tree that fell
No one cared to listen
I’m an echo of a sound no one made
A shadow of a thing that never existed
I’m nothing and no one
An afterthought among footnotes of afterthoughts
I disappear from people’s memories before they can even register I was there
I’m useless, I’m pointless, I’m worthless
I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you
I didn’t mean to make you feel bad
It’s all I’m good for, really
Killing the mood
I’m sorry
I know I don’t stand out much
I’m not the most attractive
Don’t have the best smile
Or laugh
Or stories
I don’t tell the best jokes
I’m not the nicest
I’m not the most interesting to talk to
I’m a mess
My hair’s too messy
My face is weird
I’m dull to be around
I barely talk to people
I force my way into conversations to have some form of purpose
I’m sorry about that one, by the way
I’m the ugly parasite that everyone tolerates because they have to
Because I force them to
I’ve debated letting them have a choice
I can’t bring myself to ask if they want me gone
I’m afraid of the answer
Either option becomes agony for me
Not because they’re both painful
But because I’ll only believe one of them
I thought venting might make me feel better
But it only made you feel worse
This was a terrible day for this to happen
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry I exist
That you met me
That at one point you believed my lies
The ones where I said I was interesting
Where I said I was funny
Where I tried to hide the obvious truths of myself
I’m sorry you had to see the real me
The pitiful loser that can’t do anything right
The purposeless husk of what once was a human being
The unending dread of existence personified
I’m sorry
I know that feeling all too well; I otfen see myself this way.