Today's tears
I lean on the windowsill and look out. I see how beautiful it is there. I would honestly like to go out and feel this beauty, but all the windows in this building are closed. None of them open. They are not big either. Every night I have to cover up, draw the curtains by the time Lucas gets back. I have to draw those ugly, gloomy curtains. Cover the room with darkness so that no one can see a shadow.
Now in the light I’m good to see those bruises on my hands. Lucas has beaten me again. I have huge bruises on my arms. My face is also wet from crying. Every time I want to go out or try to go out, I have to tell him. Otherwise, I can be punished. I also look down and see the outwardly alive but inwardly lifeless legs that must support my body.
Suddenly, the clock goes off in the living room. I look at it and freak out. Namely, Lucas is about to come home. I have to run to the kitchen. I have to start preparing food. I grab the meat from the fridge and put it on the cupboard. I grab a knife and chop, peel the potatoes. I put the seasoned meat in the oven. I quickly throw the potatoes into the pot. I’m surprised I didn’t cut myself at that pace. I have to get the meal ready first so that he can be served a warm meal immediately.
I sit at the kitchen table because I still have time before he gets home. I remember these horrors today while waiting for Lucas.
A few hours earlier:
The clock on the cabinet vibrates. I hear it but can’t open my eyes. I’m too tired for that. My eyes won’t open at all. I fall asleep again, but the next moment I quickly open my eyes. I find that I have fallen asleep! I quickly get up and run to the kitchen. I try to make a quick coffee before he gets up.
At one point I hear footsteps approaching the kitchen. The coffee is almost ready but not on time! I’m already scared inside. Lucas opens the door and there he stands, his face contorting in anger. I see the hand going into a fist. He is angry, even furious. My face turns pale and I’m ready to get down on my knees and beg him. I see him walking past me at a leisurely pace. He stops at the window, closes it, pulls the dark shade in front of the cover and turns to me. Suddenly he grabs me by the hair and makes me drag along. I try my best to get free, but I can’t. He just closes the bedroom door and my agony begins.
At one point, Lucas leaves the room, leaving me laying on the floor. I can hear him enjoying his coffee in the kitchen. Coffee, which I now got for, because it was not ready on time. I just lie on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks. Oh how many times I begged him. I asked him to forgive me. I lie on the floor waiting for Lucas to head to work.
In another moment, I hear the door opening and then closing. I wait a few more moments before trying to stand up. My bruised muscles are sore. I let out a moan of pain as I try to stand up. My legs and arms are also in pain. I climb slowly and with difficulty onto the bed. I don’t have the strength at all to pull myself up once and for all. I just fall down on the bed. I push myself to my side, I lie on this soft mattress with a disheveled blanket on it. I pull myself together so much that I push myself towards the pillows. I grab one of the pillows with my left hand and pull it to hug me, with the other hand I put the blanket over me. Despite the pain, I manage to create a nice, warm, safe comfort cave out of the blanket.
It’s nice to be in this cozy, warm, woolen cave. In fact, I even manage to close my eyes. At the same time, I let the tears flow down my cheeks. I'm crying for those boring, simple times, when my tears were caused by such simple things, worries. I miss those old loves. They seemed so big, but compared to this agony, so small, insignificant. My mind wanders to those loves. I suddenly feel a deep pain. The stupid mistakes I made out of fear, the tears I shed from the pain is being born. I’m still here crying. I try to calm myself down by cuddling with a pillow, to share affection with myself. Sweetness that I haven’t received from Lucas in a long time. Ever since I agreed to move in, I haven’t had any more affection. I don’t know when he lost his mind or was he like that? Was this nice guy behavior just a pretence? How did I get into this situation? I ponder until my eyes grow heavy from all the crying and pain.
Suddenly I hear the hiss of boiling water. I shake myself awake. I quickly get up from my chair and take a quick look at the food. The potatoes are overcooked and the meat looks dry. This is not good at all! Lucas demands perfection. I’m trying to quickly make something out of the cream before he gets home. I try to save this food as much as possible. I hear a sudden unlocking. Lucas made it home! I try to quickly place the plates on the table. I don’t pay attention to neatness. I just don’t have time for that. With a quick movement, I place the forks, knives. I also find glasses in the cupboard. I hear Lucas shout: “Honey I’m home!” I put on a good face and shout back: “Welcome home. The food is already waiting!” His steps approach the kitchen.
Lucas walks into the kitchen, I ask him to sit on the chair. He says: “It smells wonderful. What good did you make?” I answer him: “Potatoes with meat and cream sauce.” Lucas once again, smiling: “I guess you remembered that you have to get the food and drink ready on time.” I lift the food for him and myself, shaking inwardly. My face is white as snow, pale, but Lucas doesn’t pay attention to it. I also add a little to myself and try to focus on eating without saying a word. I don’t even look at him, I just look at my plate. It’s not much, but I don’t care about the amount. I have fear under my skin, a fear that won’t let me eat. I’m dreading the night ahead. Lucas glances at me and says: “Eat-eat, you need to gather energy. The evening is still young. Plus I brought you something.” I don’t continue to look at him, but simply answer: “It wouldn’t have been necessary. You work so hard.” Lucas says: “You are my life partner and I also wanted to apologize for my behavior this morning.” I say again: “No need, I deserved it. I could not fulfill my obligations.” Lucas again: “Still, because I love you.”
Then we eat in silence. I calmly wait for him to finish. I have to do this, otherwise the same thing as in the morning will happen again. I see Lucas get up, push the chair to the table, step out of the kitchen, leaving me to clean the table. I also have to wash the dishes immediately. I take the dishes, put them in the sink. I grab a clean cloth from the drawer, wet it and clean the table. Then I look for rubber gloves. I put them in my hand and start scrubbing the dishes slowly and calmly. This kind of activity keeps Lucas away from me. I can’t wait for him to get drunk in that other room. I can then calmly crawl into bed without fear.
At one point, I peek into the living room. I see that he has fallen asleep drunk on the sofa, TV playing on. I breathe a sigh of relief and head to the bedroom. I’m not even going to turn off the TV or put a blanket over him. Let him get a cold, sleep with a sore back! He totally deserves it! I decide to wrap myself in a tube inside a blanket. My eyes instantly get heavy and I fall into a deep sleep.
