Chapter 1
The world is so large that nobody is ever able to hear my pleas. They are whispers in stampedes. They are nothing. I am nothing. But what's happening to me, within me doesn't feel like "nothing". It feels like something— everything. Like the tides below me, the same ones that seem to be begging me to enter their waters, to let their blue consume me and leave me at peace.
My right leg hovers precariously over the unyielding steel ledge, an unsettling dance with the edge of uncertainty. In that moment, a sense of slipping pervades every fiber of my being. Arms outstretched like wings in surrender to the unseen forces, I teeter on the brink, ready to give control to the wind.
Apparently God has other plans for me this fateful night. I've never believed in God. It seemed silly to believe a man (due to many religions) in the sky had enough power to create a galaxy with humans and perhaps other civilizations we know nothing about. And this man, this God, is good despite the many wars, plagues, and deaths that occur daily.
I'm unsure of what I believe in but what I am sure of is that if I had the power take pain away from those that would do nearly anything for it to be gone, I would.
In this singular moment, a flicker of hope whispers that maybe, this elusive deity has chosen to redefine its moral compass just for me.
Gentle warmth envelops my cold hands as a reassuring grip tightens around them, decisively pulling me away from the perilous edge of the ledge. The touch becomes an anchor, grounding me in the realm of the living.
"What the fuck?"
Amidst the haze of intoxication, the source of the uttered words becomes elusive due to my perpetual state of drunkenness. My existence, marred by the constant blur of 99.9% intoxication, leaves me fighting with altered brain chemistry.
The second time the curse word is said, I know it came from the mouth of the slightly familiar brunette before me.
My mouth hesitates, opening and closing twice in a silent struggle before I surrender to the realization that there are no words that can express the complexity of emotions within. The weight of unspoken thoughts lingers, leaving me grappling with the daunting question: What could I possibly say in the face of such uncertainty?
I pivot and trace the reverse path of my earlier footsteps. In the enveloping darkness, the broken streetlights cast elongated shadows, veiling the face of the figure before me. Despite this, I can almost sense his exasperation as a weary sigh splits through the silent night.
"Do you need a ride?"
"Yes," I answer without hesitation, my alcohol intake too much for someone of my weight to be walking themselves home.
"I can't go home though," I add on, the words flowing from my lips with a deceptive ease.
"You can crash at mine."
I trail behind him, the scent of cigarettes and cologne lingering in the air as I settle into the worn seat of his truck. In the confined space, the lights from above accentuate the frizzy strands of his hair as the shadows beneath his eyes betray the weariness etched into his features – a testament to nights affected by insomnia.
Observing him, the toll that college seems to have taken is apparent, its demands etched into the tired lines of his face. A realization dawns upon me: I remain untouched by the academic troubles, having never planned for higher education.
"I'm sorry you had to find me," I confess, the words carrying a weight of remorse.
"I'm sorry you were there for me to find."
