Greek Mythology: What Actually Happened

So at first, there was this guy called Chaos, who was actually nothing but also someone and.. well, we don't talk about it.

But the universe didn't want to leave him alone, so next comes the mud queen, AKA Gaia, mother earth.

Next in line is this kinda dark guy named Tartarus, who is also the deepest place mentioned in greek mythology. Like.. REALLY deep.

Then came love, Eros.

Maybe she was a total jerk, but for some reason no one really wanted to be with Gaia, so without any guys (she was the first feminist, I guess), she gave birth to.. ah... well, sky. Uranus. Creative name.

Then, because this is totally not disturbing, she and her first born son did.. well, we all know what.

From that questionable love were born the twelve titans, six males and six females, you know, even number. From Urunus and Gaia, we are proud and slightly disgusted to present:

Coeus, Crunus, Cirus, Hyperios, Lapetus, Mnemosyne, Phoebe (yeah, I know exactly what you're thinking), Thetys, Rhea, Themis, and Theia.

Man, that must have been a long labor.

But they weren't the only ones born. With them, were born Cyclopes, the guys with only one eye, and the Hecatchi... Hecatonir... Hecatonchires, also called the hundred-handed ones.

But (remembering Hera, this might be running in the family), Uranus was like "man, these babies are UGLY. Ima throw them to the deepest place in earth as a punishment for existing! I'm a genius." So Uranus threw his own kids to Tartarus.

And Gaia was like, "I can't belive it! Go to your room, my son who I also slept with!"

So Gaia, pissed off at Uranus for banishing her kiddos, convinced her youngest son, Crunus, to murder his dad. After that, Crunus decided to continue the family tredition and married his sister, Rhea.

Now, maybe it was trendy like a bezzilion years ago, so Crunus feared his kids would do the thing he himself did to his old man.

So, like any good father would do, each time Rhea gave birth, he ate the kid, and said to himself, "yes, this is an awsome plan. This totally will not make my kids angry."

Looks like the mothers is primodal mythology weren't so bad, so Rhea, kinda angry that her brother became a cannibal and ate her kids, hid her youngest son, Zues, and let Crunus eat a rock instead. So he was like, "sweety, is this our new born son who you just gave birth to?" and she was like, "Well yes of course."

So he ate the rock. Obviously.

And that is, children, why you need to make sure your wife isn't trying to feed you rocks instead of your kids. so rude.

So Zues grew up, and when he was finally old enough, he gave his dad a drug which made him throw up the kids who were patiently waiting and growing inside the titan: Posidon, Hades, Hestia, Demeter and Hera. Oh, and also the Zues-stone. So Zues started a war against his dad, batteling for the right to be king. He also finally freed the Cyclopes from Tartarus to help, and managed the win, sending Crunus and the titans to Tartarus. I imagine Crunus was like, "oh, freak. maybe that wasn't a good plan."