Chapter 1
I don’t know when I picked up this habit of writing. Was it just a coping mechanism to run away from childhood, run away from my mistakes, or just a way to keep myself sane? I don’t know.
As I lay in bed, I thought to myself. Actually, I wanted to run from everything that had happened and was going to happen. I had distant memories from the past that kept coming back in the present, making me miserable. I always thought, how nice would it be if I were an animal? You have no responsibility; you don’t give a f**k about anyone, just eat and sleep, that’s all! What a simple life.
(Beep beep) The alarm clock started ringing at 3 am. I got out of bed and picked up my brush, avoiding the pile of trash on the floor. The trash contained all the things from unwashed food plates, pizza boxes, cupcakes, a pile of used chewing gum stuck on the floor.
I got into the bathroom, and suddenly my heart felt heavy. I don’t know why that was the case. I saw myself as the most carefree person in the world. I didn’t give a f**k about all the shit in my life, but I sat on the wet floor and started crying quietly. After some time, I got back into my senses; until then, it was already 4:45. I wore a full sleeve shirt and a sweater, picked up the keys of the room, and started walking on the road. It was very quiet; there were no cars, no people on the road, it was silent, just like my heart.
I didn’t have a destination in my mind; I was just walking straight on the road next to my room. As I kept walking, I thought, what is meant by happiness in life? Is it money, or a loved one, or maybe something else? I recalled the times when I was a kid and was truly happy. I didn’t have a loved one or money; I was broke if you look from an adult’s standard, but still, I was the happiest person in the world. I wonder what changed that I had become miserable in life.
As I was crossing the road, I saw a dog. He was sleeping on the side of the road with no worry about the day that passed or the day which was going to come. What a life, I thought to myself. After crossing the road, I saw a bridge. As I arrived there, the only sound was coming from the river under the bridge. My mind was telling me to jump and end it here, but I could not gather the courage and started walking back to my room. My room was a one-room and one kitchen; I lived alone. I liked it there when I thought the surrounding of the room was horrible because the owner didn’t come to bother me and only cared about timely payment which was nice because no one bothered me there. It was my safe place, unlike the college, which was like jail to me, and people saw me as some kind of unemotional weird guy.
As I arrived in my room, I opened the lock and looked at the clock; it was already 8:30 am. I got into the shower and got ready for my engineering college. The college was from 10 am to 5 pm. I used to walk to my college from my room; it was a 15-20 minutes walk.
As I arrived on the college campus, I checked the timetable; the first period was of BXE. It was the only subject I liked. As I entered the classroom, everyone in the class looked at me like an idiot, and I quietly walked and sat in the last bench of the row.
At 10 o’clock, BXE professor arrived; he was a middle-aged man, and I only liked him because he was very quiet, unlike other professors. He came and taught, didn’t care whether you were paying attention or not. After BXE, I somehow survived through the mechanics lecture. At 12 o’clock, we had a lunch break; during lunchtime, I ate fast food near my college, which was not at all healthy but super cheap. As I was drinking a cup of tea, I only thought about how I am going to survive this place till 5, but somehow I survived. Got back to the room in the evening at around 12 pm; I had my lunch, Chinese food which I ordered online. Ordering food online was invented for people like me who didn’t like social interaction. After eating lunch, I threw plates on the pile of trash on the floor and went to bed. I wondered how did I become so emotionless. I didn’t care if something bad or good happened in my life; the emotions in my life didn’t exist like eternal silence. I felt nothing.
