9: To Exist

“Your truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it. That’s how fragile the truth for a human is.”

— Hideaki Anno

The sky was a clear bright blue. I'm lying, it was an almost black elegant blue. The sky was a vast expanse of a never ending blanket of cold darkness littered with glittering stars. It was a beautiful sight, if only someone worthy were there to admire them. The sole witness was just one utterly pathetic man. A man who was ignorant to the amount power he was capable of.

The man was seated alone near the middle of a train. His back was slouched over and he had a soft gaze, not particularly focused on anything. His eyes slowly drifted into focus and his face lacked any sense of desire, he looked blank and thoughtless. Was he even aware of his own existence?

He looked down at the small piece of paper in his hand and sickly smile appeared on his face. The piece of paper was a one way train ticket to a place that didn’t exist. The information on this ticket was left blank, there was no date, name, route or price, not even telling where it was from. The only name he recognized was given by a whisper of the wind. 'Juno', the word he assumed belonged to him.

Juno stood up, he then crumpled the piece of paper and shoved it back into his pocket knowing that he would never look at it again. He approached the window across from where he originally sat and stared at the strikingly red water, it had a strange glow which made him feel uneasy. The longer he stared at the water, the more he felt bile coated his esophagus. Despite this nauseating feeling, he was unequivocally enticed.

Juno was aware of the unsettling way that the water would try to lure him in. The way the vibrant colour of the water appealed to his eyes, and the gentle waves vivaciously leading his focus back and forth before hitting the out of place train and returning in the opposite direction. He knew that he would eventually give in and this water would take his life. But even so he wasn't scared, what had he to fear, death? Juno did not fear death, he didn’t even know who he was. There were no memories or people to mourn.

He placed his hand against the cold glass and stood there for a moment simply just feeling the cool sensation against his skin. He then formed a fist with his hand and hit the glass once which made a sharp sound, ripping through the empty silence. Juno winced at the sudden noise that he had made. He smiled bitterly knowing that he had gotten used to the deafening silence. He chose to hit the window again, desperate to hear that same sound. Exactly to his request, there was a second loud bang.

This time he heard the swoosh of something heavy slipping off the metal rail shelves above the seats. The heavy object hit his head, causing him to fall to the ground with a soft thud. It was a decently sized bag, it had a muted dark green color, not something that particularly interested Juno. He unzipped the bag in curiosity about what made it so heavy and was disappointed to find nothing but hundreds of sheets of paper. Majority were blank, some with the number forty-two in the bottom right corner of the page. Juno thought the numbers of four and two were the ugliest combination possible. He wasted not another second agonizing over the pair. He stuffed all the paper back in, closed the bag and decided to throw it at the window. Much to Juno’s surprise, the impact left a small crack in the glass. It was so perfect looking, almost like a clean incision made by a surgeon. He grinned at this discovery and prepared himself to break the window by kicking it. He wanted to know whether he was strong enough to destroy something he didn’t create.

The glass was shamefully fragile and shattered into hundreds of pieces as soon as he made impact with it. The numerous shards fell into the water, sinking deep down below the surface and far from Juno’s view. The shards of glass left nothing behind but ripples for him to stare in awe at.

Would he sink like that glass if he entered the water? He laughed, face riddled with amusement. What an irresponsible man, acting as if this was a game. Acting as if he was free to do as he pleased just because he lacked purpose. He was playing a game of snakes and ladders with his life, ready to throw it away on a simple whim.

The foolish man found himself on the very edge of the train, leaning out the window and ready to fall into the water. And so, he did. He fell into the water, not fearing the sharp bitter bite of the cold, and not caring about the overwhelming difference in pressure that would surround his body. He grinned in elation and adrenaline surged through his veins, was he happy? Excited or scared? He was smiling regardless of what he felt. He felt the satisfying touch of the water meeting his body, sinking a few feet before resurfacing again. Juno’s eyes widened and he grinned with bliss, a tingling residue from the impact against his skin lingered.

He didn’t regret entering the water, he didn’t mind the aching cold or the gross sensation of wet clothing clinging to his limbs. Above all he felt alive, and that’s all that mattered to him.

Juno floated effortlessly on the surface of the water. He was impossibly still, enough to be mistaken by death. He gazed up at the stars, admiring their beauty and simple being. ‘Why do stars exist?’ Juno, are they there to mock our inability to become special and worth paying attention to? Are they there to sit still and look pretty as beings on earth observe them in awe and envy? Stars are truly stunning. People suffer through mundane daily human affairs that tie them down to this earth, but in the end a simple glance at the stars would be enough to ease their hearts.

He stretched his hand up above him, extending his index finger and gliding it across the sky as if he were connecting the stars like roads between cities on a map. “That one there, Orion,” he paused to make sure the name he said was the correct one, “I wonder if he ever gets tired of being an object of admiration.” His eyes followed his hand as he moved it to another area of the sky, “Callisto and her son, Arcas. Zeus placed both of them in the sky to protect them. And like that, they became beautiful pictures in the sky for us to love.”

He brought his hand back down to his side and rested it in the water as he sighed. “If there were someone who loved me enough, would they send me up to the stars so that I may be with them and have others love me forever?” What a silly question, as if there would be anyone to enjoy his existence. The corners of Juno’s mouth lifted to form a weak and almost pitiful smile, “this world… It’s truly so beautiful.” The man said that knowing it was too late for him to start appreciating the careful art of the world.

Warmth welled in his left eye, tears had formed and slid down his cheek. He touched his skin where the sensation of a tear falling was left. His eyes slightly widened, “why am I crying? I’m not sad.” If not sadness, was it just pure instinct to weep at the sight of something beautiful created by the clean hands of a non-human being?

“Why is this happening to me? What am I doing here? Am I only here to suffer for entertainment? Entertainment for other beings? Is this a punishment? What did I do wrong? I don’t understand…” Juno is clueless, he doesn't remember ever hearing the sound of another person’s voice. There has never been anyone suggesting that he had done something wrong, and yet he thinks that this is a punishment and not the result of his own actions. I say that as if he was wrong, but Juno wasn’t wrong he was absolutely correct. This is a punishment, a punishment passed down by every being with the ability to make decisions.

Juno needs the world, but the world doesn’t need Juno. Juno is the same as a speck of dust floating lazily in the light of a warm sunbeam, he’s insignificant. “It’s the punishment from a god, isn’t it? What have I done?…” Torn apart by the fact that he doesn't remember what life was actually like before this or if it even existed, he cried. He cried his salty tears again and felt the cold urging his eyelids to freeze shut. Maybe that was its way of telling Juno that he no longer needed his eyes, there was nothing left for him to see.

“Am I… Am I going to die?” his breath was shaky, but I wouldn’t be able to tell whether it was because of the cold or the fact he was crying. “I don’t want to die… I’m sorry! I didn’t understand the complexity of human life and existence. I still don’t, I know I never will. I’m sorry.” There was no one there to listen to his pathetic pleading. Juno was not afraid of death, he was afraid of never leaving any good evidence of his existence on this earth and being completely forgotten.

Juno forces a smile, he knows it’ll be his last. His body and he focuses on the icy water surrounding him in an attempt to stop thinking about anything else. He’s lets there be silence, not wanting to spoil the moment and miss the feeling of death finally kissing him. He should've stayed verbally dead for a little longer, but insteaJuno wastes his last breath whispering, “Why am I the only one speaking?...”