Chapter 1
No one is ready for change. We know that somethings are only temporary including life itself, but we are never ready. With the comfort of our live we forget that it can all be taken just like that so when it does finally come it shatters us completely. Leave us grasping for air because our life support is failing.
You begin to wish they never existed or that you never had a heart because then it wouldn’t break and you wouldn’t be left curled up on your bedroom floor, watching as it soaks up your tears.
Of course, for some people change is easy. They get to laugh about their loved ones life and find comfort in memories because they know. They know that there’s nothing that they can do, their soul is gone. They can no longer think or feel and so there’s nothing more to worry about. Even then it’s hard. But what if that person isn’t dead, but missing? What do you do then?
You see, when you never see them die, your mind makes up fantastical stories about how they are getting torched to death or left to die in the wilderness. Sometimes it may be kind to you, allowing you to wonder if they made it out somehow and are now living in hiding. Either way it hurts not knowing.
Her name was Roseline Goadman, A wife and a mother. His name was Blue (real name unknown), the mysterious best friend. Both taken, both loved. The village was effected too because every now and again they would all go silent as the shouting from the Goadman’s home gets louder and louder. Those two were never the same after the incident.
Aya, the once sweet little girl who would run around the village greeting people every morning with the biggest of smiles, grew up overnight. She matured herself, locking away her heart in a big steel cage. She pretended that she was okay much like her father, it was all she could do against the serious urges to lock herself in her room and never come back out.
On the rare occasion you could see the edges of her lips curl up. One time, her childhood friend, Adam, took her away from the business of making a living. They climbed up a tree and sat there overlooking the world for hours. No more pretending, no more pain; the view took all that away. As she looked at the sky Aya could imagine that her mother was up there, watching over her.
That’s when she would smile; this was her little taste of paradise, a place that almost made her believe it was possible to feel happy again.
She looked over at Adam. He was facing away from her giving her the freedom to stare without judgment. Her eyes looked on his blonde hair. She remembers that hair so well. She remembers the way she used to run after it when Adam lightly tapped her, an action immediately followed by the words “you’re it.” She remember how she never knew what mischief it would be up to next and how annoyed it would get Adam to the point he just ruffles it up and leaves it. She knew that smoothing it out was a tale tell sign that he was nervous. He oddly seems to be doing that more and more lately.
She didn’t know what she would do without Adam. He was like the brother she never had, picking her up when all she wanted to do was dig a whole and lie in it. He was like his father and mother in that respect. They never gave up trying to put Aya and her father’s life back together. They became family as they took up the reigns.
Martin, would lighten Nathaniel load when his head got too fuzzy. He made sure that Nathaniel wasn’t derailed as Mayer because that would be the icing on the cake to his already failing life. He defended his honour when once Nathaniel was found head face down in the mud after a night of drinking. After that Nathaniel never drank again; if someone defends you honour you better make sure you deserve it.
Clair was a wonder women. During the first few month she took on Roseline’s role cleaning the house and she would always do it in the few horse that they weren’t there so they couldn’t object. All the while looking after her own children and her own house.
She would also keep an eye on Nathaniel for that slight twitch in his behaviour telling her he was about to have an ‘episode’. When that happens she would rush to the house grab Aya and run. The following morning she would wake up in the wee hours of the day and tidy up the smashed plates and the broken furniture. He wasn’t particularly dangerous or even a bad man but no child should ever see that. Nathaniel knew it and would forever be indebted to that women.
As the years passed Aya began to smile more and Nathaniel had fewer outburst. Their hearts would never heal completely but five years later they both found that that the hole got smaller.
Aya was now 18. Many were now looking to her to find a husband but Aya was quiet content to be on her own. She liked it that way; she feared that if she ever did settle down and started to act like a proper lady, she would never be happy. At least that’s what she kept telling everybody but it was if they had cotton buds in the ears 24/7.
“Her marriage is just around the corner, I know it.” Were some on the whispers she heard when she turned her back as if they had some special secret that they refused to tell Aya about. They had that excitement in there voice too. It was the kind of excitement that often accompanied but that glint in your eyes and it made her unsettled as though they were scheming. If the lady’s weren’t scheming they were worried-
“What would happen when her father dies?” They would whisper thinking Aya couldn’t hear them.
“Who would look after her then?” Aya would roll her eyes with the words ‘I can look after myself’ passing through her brain. Then she would storm off with a bucket of cow’s milk swaying in each hand. Sometimes Adam would meet her on her way to the cellar and would carry the bucket for her. This was quiet a normal thing but for some reason recently people have been staring at them giggling.
One day Aya couldn’t ignore it anyway.
“Why do they giggle?” She asked Adam trying to be nonchalant as if it was a simple passing question and not a question that has been on her mind for weeks.
“They think we will marry one day.” Aya suddenly halted in her tracks. It was good that Adam was holding the buckets because if she was carrying them at that moment she would have dropped them.
“What?” She exclaimed. If she was looking at Adam right now she would have seen his hurt expression but by the time she look at him he was able to smile and shrug his shoulders. After that she began walking at a fast pace this time.
“I wish they would leave me alone. I have enough problems to deal with their judging eyes. I don’t need the pressure of simple being your friend to be on me as well.” Then she began to slow down. She turn around but continued to walk.
“I am glad you are my friend though, I don’t know where I would be without you.” She smiled receiving his warm smile back. Then he opened his mouth, the hints of a puzzled frown appearing on his face but before he could utter a word a man shouted from across the unknown.
“Adam, get back here; you’re supposed to be getting me a hammer.” At that they both burst at laughing.
“Well thunder awaits, I’ll take those because you better be off.” Adam almost looked like he was going to retaliate, moving the bucket back slightly, but then Aya got her hands on them and he let go.
“Well go on then.” She said when he didn’t move. He gave a twitch of a smile before running away. Aya watched him run laughing as she imagined him getting a light-hearted smack on the head from his teacher. Adam was an apprentice black smith.
After he faded away from sight she looked down at the milk in her hands and sighed before continuing on her walk. Being a milkmaid wasn’t her ideal situation; once upon a time she dreamed of being a hunter with a horse to command and a bow and arrow by her side. She was a damn good archer too, can hit any target she set her eyes on.
Unfortunately, as fate would have it, she would never pick up a bow again, not until she plucks up the courage. Last time she tried, pictures of Blue, scared and alone in that forest, flooded her memory, followed by his smile and then by his screams. The next minuet she was sat against the barracks door unable to breathe properly as the pain sent her into hyperventilation. Since then she had learnt her lesson and stayed away.
On the plus side, Aya’s father seems back to normal. It was happening steady more and more Nathaniel will come back home with a smile on his face and a skip in his feet. He was beginning to look younger and more like the father Aya experience as a child. He was beginning to look the man who played princesses and dragons in his free time with her and not the man who sat alone on his bed looking at a picture of Rosaline with tears falling down his face as soon as he got home.
“Come on spill the beans.” Aya said one day when they sat down for their evening meal.
“What do you mean?” He asked before trying to force a large piece of bread into his mouth.
“I want to know how you are so happy these days. You know so I can put into in to practice and lift my own spirit.” Nathaniel all of a sudden looked concerned.
“Are you not happy?” She smiled reassuring back at him reaching over for his hand and squeezed.
“I am happy father but I am not your happy; you have somehow reached a whole new level.” Nathaniel laughed.
“Well if you truly must know. I met a girl.” Suddenly Aya’s whole demeanour changed. She pulled back her hand.
“What’s wrong?” He was concerned then he was shocked as he saw how her face had become flustered. The bridged between her eyes was crinkled showing the signs of betrayal.
“Take that back.” She said forcefully. Her eyes becoming shiny being on the brink of tears.
“What is this?” Nathaniel was beside himself; he wasn’t expecting this and he defiantly wasn’t ready to deal with it.
“Take it back.” She repeated with more force.
“No I will not!” He spoke back a lot louder and harsher than he was intending. When he saw Aya flinch he tried to tone it down a notch.
“I happen to like this women very much. Now your mother has been gone for quite a few years now and I think it’s time to-” Aya suddenly got out of her seat.
“No don’t say it.” He jaw had gotten tight and her face was burning red with the effort of holding back tears but one escaped regardless.
“Aya.” Now Nathaniel was sounding hurt and confused.
“You want to marry her?” The way she spoke these words the phase sounded both like a question and statement. The reason being that she knew the answer but in blind hope she wanted him to say no.
“As a matter of fact, I do.” That hurt, that really hurt. She stared at the father is disgust feeling the pang of betrayal hit her stomach making her almost want to be stick. She suddenly didn’t wanted to be around him anymore.
“I thought you loved mother.” She said before running off to her bedroom. Immediately Nathaniel got out of his seat the force of it pushing it over.
“Aya wait!” He was about to run after her but the legs of his fallen chair got in the way. He kicked it away with frustration. When it only tilted back into the back of his leg he picked it up and through it across the room. Then he ran after Aya. He got to the end of the stair just as Aya was about to reach the top of the stairs and disappearing.
“You owe me!” He blurted out. Immediately after his face clouds over with guilt.
“What do you mean I owe you?” He bowed his head in shame unable to look at the way his own daughter was looking at him. What made it worse is that she had good reason to do so. He tried to come up with a way to make it all okay. He came close, twice opening his mouth, but then he closed it again knowing it wasn’t good enough. Aya shuck her head before staring at her father making it known that at that moment, she hated him.
“There’s no need to tell me because I already know. You think it was my fault that mother was taken because if I hadn’t of saved Blue then mother would still be here. Well father,” She inhaled air as attempt to stop the tears.
“Join the club” just couldn’t hold them. Now she really did want to be in his presence so she ran into her room, locking the door behind her.
Nathaniel followed her up the stairs but slowly giving himself time to think of what to say but his mind was blank; all he kept on seeing was Aya’s hurt face. When he finally reached the door he sighed, hating that this was his fault. He was about to knock on the door and ask to be let in but then he thought better of it.
“Aya I’m sorry.”
“Go away.”
“No. I’m going to make things right even if it means standing here all night.” When there was no response he continued.
“Look I still love your mother, till my dying breath I would love your mother, but she’s gone Aya and I need someone to somewhat fill that whole that appeared when she was taken. You have no idea how much I need this.” His words pulled at Aya heart not because it was said but because it pained her to think her father had forgotten that she felt the same pain too. Rosaline was not only a wife she was a mother.
“Mum was taken from me too.”
“Aya” he sighed
“No I don’t want to talk to you!” the pain it was just too much she felt like throwing something at the door. She even pictured that same thing piecing through the door and hitting her father. She screamed out.
“Go away!” the tears were a waterfall now and she could feel her test tightening. Too much it’s too much. She fell to her knees as her head became too fuzzy to stand. She couldn’t get out a normal length breath. She had become terrified. It’s happening again.
Suddenly she felt arms wrap around her.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you. Breathe just breath. In, out. In, out…” How did he get in here? She thought, as her attention when to her bedroom door. It was shattered. She looked at it with confusion; with all the blood pumping through her brain she never notice her father shouting when he notice that Aya had started to hyperventilate. When he was met with no answer he had kicked through the door. Aya smiled Always my Dad.
Nathanial cradled his daughter stroking her hair as he let her cry out her frustrations and her fears into his clothes. Soon her breathing began to normalise.
“I am sorry Aya. Everything is so confusing.” Nathanial spoke when it thought it was safe. Aya closed her eyes and made sure her breathing was stabilised before reaching out to touch her father’s hand. By now the tears had mostly dried up. She concentrated on it wrinkled and the way it looked so familiar, so loving.
“I just keep thinking that if you marry her you’re pronouncing Mum dead… I don’t think I’m ready for that.” She felt a stray tear fall down her face, cooling her flustered skin but she was happy to find the fast breathing didn’t follow. She felt her Nathanial’s chin rest on her head in a sigh.
“It’s been 7 years. You know your mother Aya. She wouldn’t have wanted us to stay locked up forever she would have wanted us to move on and enjoy our lives. All she wanted was for us to be happy; Maurice makes me happy.”
“Maurice?” the way she said her name made Nathanial laugh.
“Yeah Maurice.”
“It’s weird but I like the sound of it.” She didn’t sound happy but she didn’t sound angry either, Nathanial’s heart leapt in his chest. He had to prop his daughter up so that he could looked at her face to see if she was reason.
“Does that mean it’s a yes? I can marry her.” His excitement was contagious. So much so, that Aya couldn’t help but smile, even if it was a thin one. She nodded feeling slightly strange when both the feeling of disappointment and relief hit her chest.
