Bricks

I was already exhausted. My body felt dizzy from drinking too much red wine. The crowded club made me feel stressed and confused. The crowded club made me feel lonely, and sad. It was around 3:30 am, and I couldn’t hear the music anymore. The beats merged into one, and I wanted to go home. Maria and I went to the restroom before leaving. I knew I looked sexy, as my body had become thinner from days ofundereating. My black short dress showed off my legs, back, and mydécolleté. I felt sexy and powerful, yet small and worthless, as men seemed to hold the power when I dressed to impress them. I waited to be chosen, and I couldn’t blame them for choosing me. When I walked out of the restroom, a black guy with a cap grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his arms. He pushed me against the wall, and his abdomen pressed against my breasts. He asked for my name, heard my accent, and made sure I lived in Berlin, like he did. His name was James. He told me how beautiful and dangerous I was, but I wasn’t interested in him. Not because of his looks - he was handsome, but I was still thinking about the guy who didn’t touch me until our third or fourth date. I was a bit drunk and frustrated that my ex didn’t show me the attention I was craving so much. I surrendered, and my friend joined us. James hugged me, screaming out loud so that everyone in the club could hear that I was the hottest one there and the most dangerous one. My friend was approached by the other black guy, James´ friend. She enjoyed his presence, and our escape plan vanished. My feet hurt so much, but I continued dancing with James. He turned me around, and my butt touched his crotch. We were dancing, and I didn’t want to touch him like that, but in my head it was too late. I felt like a hoe already, with everyone’s eyes on me, probably thinking I was a cheap slut. I guess, no one noticed I was uncomfortable in that position. Probably no one really noticed me at all. But my imagination tricked me into thinking everyone was judging me and thinking the worst about me. Maybe it was only me judging myself. At some point, I finally managed to leave. My friend and our guys followed me. I wanted to call anUber, but the guys asked us to split and go to their apartments. I was sobering up at this point, and I was 100% sure I wasn’t going anywhere with James. He didn’t stop hugging me, and we kissed, but I didn’t feel it at all. I felt numb, dissociated, like I wasn’t really there. He begged me to go home with him or go to my place since he heard I lived alone. He was embarrassing, telling everyone walking by, that I was a 10/10 and a fucking bomb. My ego was flattered. I loved knowing everybody else is thinking I am beautiful, but I also felt so much shame, thinking about my mom seeing me in that situation. I felt guilty. James pulled me one more time, and my ass touched his crotch. Again. He whispered in my ear giving me shivers, “I’m having a lot of one-night stands, but you, oh, I don’t want you only for one night. I want you for more. You’re such a fire.” Foolishly in that moment I felt special because I wasn’t considered a one-night stand. I felt better than those, who were only seen as a one night fun. But I also thought about those girls, maybe falling for this guy - how pretty or smart they could be, yet not good enough for this piece of shit to respect them enough to get to know them better before giving him a head. I felt disappointed. Then he put both of his hands under my dress, grabbed my breasts, squeezed them aggressively, and kissed my neck. It felt like I was punched in the gut, with a fire in my lungs. Was it my fault that, I kissed him, and he thought I gave him permission to do it? Am I no better than those girls, who went home with him? He didn’t want to know me neither. I am not special. Disgust filled me, both towards him and myself. I released a hot sigh of relief when a message from theUberdriver waiting for me around the corner appeared on my phone. I could get into the car and leave. Alone.