Prologue
I remember it all.
I remember that forest. The leaves that wouldn’t shut up, wouldn’t stop rustling, and the sound of my flip flops on the dirt path. Only moonlight peeking through a ceiling of branches.
I remember how scared I was. How much I wanted to go back to my warm house and snuggle under the sheets of my soft bed. How I could easily stop what I was doing and take back the decision I made to disappear…forever.
I heard my parents arguing downstairs, yelling in a way that frightened me. They always seemed so happy when I was around, but when they were alone and they thought I was asleep, I could hear them speak as if they hated each other. It was usually about things I couldn’t understand. But tonight, it was about me.
They spoke loudly as if they didn’t even care if I overheard them. It was like they wanted me to hear it. Wanted me to wake up to the sound of them screaming about how much they wished they never had me. I heard my father protesting at the subject, as if he was the one to blame. He replied back defensively, but I couldn’t tell if it was to protect me or himself. My mother never wanted to have me, she wanted an abortion.
I was an accident that should’ve never been born. I know that now. It was the first time I ever believed in something so strongly. It woke up something inside me.
That night I realized that I didn’t deserve to be alive.
So I ran. I ran away from the only life I had. It was never even mine, I was merely an intrusion to my parent’s lives. After all, they never wanted me.
So I don’t want me.
I remember that lake. How big it was. How cold it was. The type of cold enough to stop your heart, or at least that’s what it felt like. I was terrified to think about what was at the bottom; in the dark the lake appeared like a black hole, with a huge monster waiting within it, but that’s where I felt like I belonged.
And suddenly, everything became stupid, stupid dark.
I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t see anything. All I knew was that I was sinking…without air, without hope.
I was going to die.
It was so dark…so fucking dark. It swallowed me whole. I didn’t know what to think. All I knew was that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe.
I. Couldn’t. Breathe.
“Breathe, Isabella.”
A light pierced in the darkness. Strong, bright, and gold. I heard the voice again. Calling out to me.
“Breathe, Isabella.”
Strong, bright, gold. It was him who saved me.
