Gray World Illusion

E: Sorry for any mistakes, English is my second language.

Walking through the psychiatric hospital was boring for Zuzanna, but what was she supposed to do? She had become a ghost after she killed herself, or so it seems to her, or maybe it’s just a dream that feels too real. She wanted emptiness, darkness, not to be stuck in a world where she couldn’t do anything but observe everything around her. It was strange also not to see other spirits, because it shouldn’t look like this, or maybe it was her own hell.

The piercing white walls gave her goosebumps when she was alive; now she didn’t physically feel it anymore, but they still looked terrifying, at least that’s how it seemed to her. Her emotions became somewhat dulled, probably due to the lack of physical sensations. On one hand, this quieted her anger, but it still lay dormant inside her, subdued. The absence of physical sensations was like someone taking something away from you, but you don’t know what it was, or if it was even important.

She wandered through the rooms again, in a strange hope that something had changed, but everything was just as it always was. Maybe except for when she entered the staff lounge and saw one of the night shift caregivers opening the fridge, pulling out a high-proof drink.

“Surely, that’ll solve all your problems,” the girl said sarcastically.

She glanced at the loudly ticking clock on the wall; it was almost three in the morning. All patients were supposed to be in bed by eleven. She must have fallen asleep an hour later, when the medication she had been collecting for two weeks finally kicked in. Now she stood in the middle of the room, wondering if this was what a lucid dream looked like, but then again, one doesn’t seem to have control over their body then, at least that’s how it seemed to Zuzanna.

She had been planning this for months, collecting pills not only her own but also from other patients, which led to fights with them. She was caught by the caregivers hiding pills from others, which led to her room being searched for a long time. She had to wait for about four months until they trusted her again and stopped checking her room every day, until they didn’t check it at all, so she started her plan from scratch. She didn’t know if she had enough pills and what kind they were, but she didn’t want to waste time playing with the nurses again. So shortly after the night’s silence, she took those pills, it was tough without water, and some she had already had in her mouth before, and taking them again was disgusting, but she did it. When this plan “worked”, but not as she expected, and looking at her body, which was probably lifeless, was like looking in a mirror, surreal, that’s how Zuzanna felt most of the time.

She started walking through the corridors of the psychiatric ward again, encountering the night shift, but it was a small number of people who didn’t see her and couldn’t even scare them in any way after all she had been through with them. Frustration in the girl grew with every second as she observed how they behaved and sometimes spoke. They pretended to walk down the corridors checking if the patients were asleep, although it was clear that they did it as if someone had ordered them, but they had chosen this profession themselves. When some noise came from the room, they just said to calm down and muttered under their breath that only death would help them, not treatment. At that moment, Zuza felt like hitting that nurse, but she couldn’t, she could only shout out of irritation. The security wasn’t any better; instead of watching the cameras for any intruders, they sat and watched series, eating cheap snacks warmed up in the microwave or sleeping. She distanced herself from any employees of this place before she completely loses her balance, and the lack of ability to do anything at the moment only worsens the spirit’s mental state.

Supposedly, what she felt was subdued, but as soon as she looked at the behavior of those people, everything came back, what she felt, but the only thing she could feel was anger, which had been brewing in her for months, maybe years, she herself didn’t know for sure. Getting rid of it was her only goal, that burning anger that she didn’t quite know where it came from, and the only solution Zuzanna felt she should do was death. Suicide was the only thing she saw, and when she tried to do other things, they didn’t work, even going to a psychologist and getting treatment didn’t help. When she first attempted suicide, she was caught by her parents, who were supposed to go on a trip for their wedding anniversary, but their flight to Rome was canceled due to bad weather. Maybe if she had locked the bathroom door, she wouldn’t be here anymore, but she’ll never have a chance to find out.

When for the hundredth time, or so it seemed to her, she found herself at the main exit, she stopped and looked at the large, white-painted, time-worn doors. Even if she were to leave, where would she go, and anyway, no one would see or hear her. Additionally, she was in a city she didn’t know, and she didn’t know how long it would take to walk to her hometown, and somehow she doubted she possessed any telepathic abilities. She wanted to check on her family, see how they were coping with her being in the psychiatric facility, how happy they were about it. She saw them looking desperate, sad, disappointed every time they came to visit her, but she didn’t know if it was acting or if they really felt that way, and there was also her younger sister. Her family visited Zuzanna only once, she looked unhappy then to be in such a place and didn’t even speak at all, so she’s probably happy to have everything to herself. The last person she expected to see was her former counselor, who asked if she wouldn’t want to continue her education somehow. When he heard despair in her voice, she quickly ended the visit and said she never wanted him to come again. That meeting left a bad taste in her mouth, and the way he said those words stuck in her head and she couldn’t get rid of them. One thing made her happy during her stay in that facility, and that was that her ex-boyfriend didn’t come. They broke up with him before she tried to kill herself for the first time, and he shamelessly asked why she was breaking up with him, as if she didn’t know he was seeing her best friend behind her back. Their lies pushed her a bit towards doing it, but there were even more factors contributing to her decision.

It was a strange feeling of silence, moving through the city and not hearing the noise of cars, people, or even her own footsteps, but it was unusual not to feel the autumn cold on her skin, not to be able to breathe in the cool night air, or feel tired from walking for so long. She felt a pang of regret towards herself, quickly trying to suppress that feeling, but unsuccessfully. She quickened her pace, passing through the orange lights of the street lamps illuminating her path, at one point the dawn began to blur as she transitioned from a trot to a run.

“No, no, no, no!” she began to scream as loudly as she could, and with each word, she became angrier. “This wasn’t supposed to happen! Why?! Why the hell?! Why?!”

The spirit realized that no one would hear her and no one would tell her to shut up, so she began to scream, but instead of relief, with each subsequent scream, her burning rage only intensified. She was angry at her parents for being such ignorants and believing the lies of other people. At her sister for being a selfish person who didn’t have the courage to say how she really felt about her. At her boyfriend for not being able to admit his mistake and lying all the time. At her best friend, who couldn’t admit that she had feelings for her ex-boyfriend and had an affair with him behind her back. At the rest of her friends who couldn’t tell her the truth and pretended to be innocent people every time. At the teachers for putting too much pressure and stress on her when she refused. At the whole world for ignoring the real problems. At herself for not being able to control her anger.

She didn’t know how long she had been running, screaming to herself, but long enough because she stopped in surprise as some shadow literally flew inches from her. She stopped reflexively, because nothing would happen to her anyway, quieting down, but the anger still bubbled inside her. She looked at the “shadow”, but it was no longer lying in front of her, it was rushing into the alley between the buildings, and behind it were more “shadows”. There were four shapeless shadows that momentarily took on human form, one figure holding onto its sides and watching what the rest were doing with the fifth shadow, which in the light of the orange lamps reminded Zuzanna of a combination of an animal and a human.

He attacked one of the boys with his claws, showing all his aggression by emitting a loud screeching sound, while simultaneously avoiding the weapons used by the lowest of the group, thus cutting through the air. The boy the creature tried to attack quickly avoided his attack and with one swift motion plunged the blade into the winged monster’s frame. He tried to pull out the blade, but unsuccessfully, and in addition, the creature wanted to attack him with its second limb, but it dropped the weapon. The red-skinned creature fell to the ground screeching mercilessly in pain, at least that’s what it seemed to the girl, it wanted to get up, but the tallest of the humans kicked him in the arm without a weapon, thereby knocking him on his back. The apparition only now noticed that the left wing of the creature was torn, and the other was also torn at that moment by the young man who had done nothing until now. The whole ground around this monster was covered in blood, but instead of a red shade, the color was black, making its skin more purple. She looked at his face in the twilight, instead of lips or nose, he had a beak that emitted squeaky sounds, but his black inhuman eyes, he stared at the lowest of the boys with life, a desire to fight, even though the end was near for him, it stirred something in Zuzanna, in a strange, inexplicable way. As quickly as that feeling appeared, it disappeared as the smallest swung over the monster and cut off its head, and the blood sprayed in all directions.

But it looks wonderful. - Her voice, initially sincere in surprise, turned into mockery of the whole situation as she wondered if, under normal circumstances, she would have screamed in terror like a little girl and run away. But these were not normal circumstances, and on top of that, she was a ghost.

As she finished speaking, she saw the boy who had just cut off the creature’s head staring directly at her, not past her. There was probably surprise written on her face, so he quickly averted his gaze and pretended not to have seen anything. Out of habit, Zuzanna ran her hand over her face, taking a breath that did nothing for her, and approached the boy she had just scrutinized, even the children, as he looked about twelve to her. He barely reached her chest, but the young woman was tall for a female, so she literally looked down on him with dissatisfaction written on her face.

“I know you see me,” she said confidently, but there was also anger in her voice.

The boy recoiled when he heard her words, trying to hide by moving toward other people in the group, but she noticed and moved in the same direction, trying to face him, although it was difficult. He looked at her again with his dark blue eyes, catching himself doing the same thing as before. He realized there was no escape from this situation, and the only solution he saw at that moment was to stare at the ground with such passion that the ghost would leave him alone, but he didn’t know she had time and was not in a good mood. His long, sandy, curly hair couldn’t hide his tan face, which expressed embarrassment and unhappiness. Zuza looked at him with pity and wanted to lift his face with her hand to make him look her in the eyes, but halfway through, she remembered that she couldn’t do anything.

As soon as she heard another voice from the group, the boy looked in that direction, and she did the same, seeing the black-haired boy looking at them, more at the boy. It was the person who tore the wing off the creature, which now lay dead next to them, headless, and annoyance was visible on the young man’s white face.

“Hey. You. Are you alive? Kiril?” There was reproach in his voice, which the ghost didn’t like.

“I’m alive. I’m alive,” he said more automatically than he expected, and for a moment, he forgot about the existence of the young woman, but one look at her plunged him into some strange embarrassment.

“What are you looking at?”

“Nothing.” He had intended to mention the brown-haired apparition, but at the last moment, he changed his mind.

He wanted to walk past Zuzanna, but he decided it would look strange, so he preferred to walk on the other side, past the lying body, and it looked strange anyway.

“What are you doing? Maybe the Siren got you after all.”

“Does he have to behave like this?”

Just a few words were enough to make Zuza unable to bear it any longer, and she erupted. His tone of voice reminded her of the people in the institution she had been in just moments ago and how she had been treated there. She wasn’t crazy, just someone with excessive anger that she couldn’t control, and now this skinny boy was treating Kiril the same way he had treated her just a few hours ago. The younger boy flinched at the tone of her speech and looked back at her, surprised by her behavior.

“What...?” He wanted to repeat the question, but he understood, and his facial expression changed to one of displeasure. “Ghost. What does he want?”

“To shut up, because he doesn’t know anything,” she said with dissatisfaction, looking at the fair-haired boy, who was now looking at her. “Tell him that.”

“Umm... to not speak?” Kiril said, somewhat thrown off balance, and the black-haired boy’s expression darkened.

“What?”

“What you heard,” she mocked. “Too bad you can’t hear me!” She started raising her voice and moving towards him with each word.

Now she stood face to face with him, although he couldn’t see it, in the literal sense of the words, because they were exactly the same height. His elongated, bony face twisted in a grimace of dissatisfaction, shifting his jadeite eyes over the dead creature, the bloodied ground, the gray buildings, and Kiril, searching for the ghost that was in front of him but he couldn’t see. Perhaps she looked like she was the same age as the ghost girl, but his behavior was that of an old man, and his further actions confirmed it.