The Red Pill

In the typical manner of all red-blooded American males, the two young men greeted each other with a half hug and a hard clap on the back.

“Dang, bro, it’s good to see you!” said Deke.

“Likewise,” said Robert, stepping back. “Looking good, man. How’s it going for you up there at the university?”

“Pretty fucking sweet,” said Deke. “I’m still warming the bench most games but Coach is talking of putting me in for the game next month. No complaints there, it’s my first year and I’ve still got a lot to learn. But holy shit, you should see the chicks up there on campus. Hot!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Man, I’ll be honest with you,” said Deke, favoring the younger man with a sly wink, “I’ve been getting more pussy than a toilet seat lately.”

“Oh awesome,” said Robert with a faltering smile.

“What about you, brother? You’re a senior now. I bet you’re scoring right and left too.”

“Well…” said Robert, “actually not so much.”

“What? Why?” asked Deke, easing his lanky body onto the hood of the family station wagon.

“Well,” said Robert, unable to meet his friend’s gaze, “I don’t know what’s going on, actually. Like for instance I met this girl last week at a dance. Everything seemed like it was going real good. Got her phone number and everything. Called her the next day to ask her out and she gave me the cold shoulder. Acted like she didn’t even know me.”

“Ah, a flake,” said Deke. “Probably your bridge wasn’t good enough.”

“Huh?”

“Damn, man, didn’t you read those books I sent you?”

Robert said nothing. The screen door squealed on its hinges and Robert’s mother stepped out onto the carport.

“Oh hello Deke,” she said. “So nice to see you. How are things up at the university?”

“Pretty good, Mrs. Dickson,” said Deke, hopping to his feet. “Coach says he’s gonna let me start in the game next week.”

“Well that’s wonderful,” said Robert’s mother. “Didn’t expect to see you back so soon from the university. Thought you’d be too busy with your studies.”

“Well ma’am,” said Deke, “actually I wasn’t expecting to come back home so soon either. But it’s my aunt, you see. She’s in the hospital.”

“Oh dear,” said Robert’s mother. “Is she okay?”

“Hard to say,” said Deke. “Some kind of weird virus or something. I’m going to go check on here now but I just dropped by to see Robert while I was in town.”

“Well tell her I hope she has a speedy recovery,” said Mrs. Dickson.

“Thank you, ma’am. I will,” said Deke.

“Well I’ll leave you two boys alone to catch up,” said Robert’s mother. “Good to see you again Deke. And give your family all the best.” And with that, she headed back inside the house.

“Jeez, is your aunt gonna be okay?” asked Robert.

“Dunno,” said Deke. “But the way my dad was telling me, it sounded pretty serious. Anyway, I am gonna head over there to the hospital now. But I think I can help you out with your girl problem. You got some free time this afternoon?”

“Yeah, definitely,” said Robert.

“Okay, I’ll swing by around three o’clock. Then we can go sarging,” said Deke, getting his keys out of his pocket.

“Sarging?” asked Robert.

Deke laughed. “There’s lots to teach you, little brother. Sarging means going out and cruising for girls. It’s a slang term from those books I sent ya.”

“Ah,” said Robert, now wishing he had read the huge stack of literature Deke had sent him about picking up girls. But really, it had all seemed like too much work to plow through so much material. And anyway, how could some dumb book teach you how to pick up girls?

“Oh,” said Deke, “one more thing. You still got those binoculars from your Boy Scout days?”

“Yeah, sure, I think so. Probably buried somewhere in my closet.”

“Bring ’em with you,” said Deke, sliding into the driver’s seat of his van. “You’ll need ’em.”

“What for?” asked Robert, but got no reply as Deke gunned the motor and pulled out of the driveway, waving out the window as he sped off.