Scam Call

Sam was in his third month working as a telemarketer. At least, that's what he called himself. In truth, Sam was a thief. His source of income was of him calling unsuspecting people and swindling them out of their money. He mostly preyed upon two groups: the freshly turned adults who knew nothing of the evils in the world; And the elderly who, against their will, were losing their sanity.

Sam made sure to always speak kindly and in a sincere tone as though he was their savior in his made up bad scenario. He was very skilled.Today, he was sitting at his assigned, basic desk and looking at the list of phone numbers he was instructed by his boss to contact this work day. The first person on the list was an Amanda Luke. His paperwork stated she was a woman in her mid seventies living in a rural town in mid-America. While putting on his best professional voice he started to dial her number thinking to himself, This will be easy money.

The phone rang four times then he heard labored breathing on the other end. "Hello. Is this Miss Luke?" The breathing stopped and the call was disconnected. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and redialed. After three rings he heard the same, heavy breathing. "Hello, my name is Joe. Is this Miss Luke?"

A few seconds pass. Before Sam could repeat himself a woman with a confident, booming voice responded. "Yes it is. Who the hell are you?"

Sam jumped. "Hello, Miss Luke,” he managed to say. “My name is Lenny. I am from the U.S. government. How are you doing on this fine day?"

A thick, phlegmy cough pierced Sam's ears. Miss Luke cleared her throat then shouted, "From the U.S. government?"

"Yes, Miss Luke. I am from the U.S. government."

"What are you callin’ me about?"

"Well, Miss Luke. It looks like you didn't pay your taxes."

There was a long pause, "I didn't pay my taxes?" Her voice rose on the word taxes and she coughed again and Sam could hear her spit. He had hoped it was at least spat into a tissue.

"Correct, Miss Luke. You didn't pay your taxes. Our system shows that you owe us $15,000.23."

"Horseshit."

Sam gulped. Maybe Amanda Luke had all her witts about her. He muted the call as he took a deep breath. He knew he had to act pleasant and professional; That he couldn't rush her because that was when the call would go south and he would never make the 'sale'. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, took a sip from his nearby water bottle and unmuted.

"Ma'am, are you still there?"

"Of course I am. What kind of question is that?"

"My apologies. Well. Well, ma'am. The records state, ma'am, that you owe the government money. How will you be able to pay this debt?"

"Well, Lenny." He listened as she made gulping noises, then a gasp of air. She smacked her lips then said, “Lenny. The thing is, I don't have $15,000."

"Are you sure, ma'am?"

"Does a bear shit in the woods, Neil?"

"Well. Uhm. Well, Miss Luke. I am saddened to deliver this news to you. But, it is true. You see, ma'am, we take great pride in our work. We double, triple check everything, and we see that you do owe us $15,000.23. I apologize, however, you do need to pay this due or you will face jail charges."

"Where did you say you worked, Joe?"

"My name is Lenny, and I work for The U.S. government."

"What branch? What department? There's a lot of jobs with the U.S. government."

"I work for the I.R.S."

"Oh. The I.R.S." Her demeanor changed to a cheery, easy going disposition. "You know," she said. "I went to go see somebody that worked for the I.R.S. a while back."

"That's very interesting, ma'am."

"It is interesting. It is. It truly is interesting. I remember I was trying to go get a death certificate."

There was a very long pause.

"You there, Jackie?"

"Yes, yes ma'am." Sam said. "As I said, I'm calling to collect the money you owe."

"Well, no worries, Jackie. You said you're from the I.R.S., and I know where the nearest I.R.S. building is, so I can just go there and get this cleared up."

"It'd be easier to do this over the phone, ma'am."

"Oh. No offense, Barry, but I like to look the person who's trying to fuck me over in the face."

"What?"

"I know I don't owe you that money."

"Ma'am, I am not trying to 'f' you over. And ma'am, you do owe that money."

"Well, whatever you say. I'll just go to the I.R.S. building by me. I mean, I already know where it is. I went there for my death certificate."

"Excuse me, ma'am? Did you say your death certificate?"

"Oh yes. Absolutely. You see, everybody has a birth certificate, but you know not a lot of people have a death certificate."

"A death certificate." He found himself repeating.

"Yes. Yes. And, although I don't have a lot of things in life, such as 15,000-"

"And twenty three cents."

"And twenty three cents. But the things I do possess are well maintained. They're cared for. Everything is taken care of. Neat and tidy. And, I thought well, you know…"

"I don't know."

"Well, my goodness, Jakey. Neat and tidy! Neat! And! Tidy! I want to have a death certificate. That way everything is!" Miss Luke started coughing, the sound of thick mucus coming loose in her chest. She took a deep breath in and repeated herself. "That way everything is…"

"Neat and tidy?" Sam asked.

"Yes! Yes, Jonny! Neat and tidy. So, I planned out my death and I contacted my friend who works for the I.R.S. and she told me where I needed to go to get a death certificate so I went there and I waited for a really long time to see somebody and then I told them what I needed and they said that they do not give death certificates towards people that are alive."

"Miss Luke. We're getting a little off topic."

"Of course I got a bit peeved. Why would my friend tell me there was such a thing and there not be such a thing? So I contacted my friend and told them what I was told and demanded to know why on earth she would mislead me. And then she told me that she misunderstood what I had asked her. She said she didn't realize I wanted the death certificate for me. And she agreed with the person who told me I couldn't get one because I wasn't dead. Apparently death certificates are only made to clarify that the person is now dead. That the certificate doesn't go to the person at all. Why is it-"

"Ma'am. I apologize, however, we are getting off topic."

"Of course, of course you're right Jaime. You were saying that I owe the I.R.S. money."

"Yes, Miss Luke. Our records indicate you owe us a sum of $15,000.23."

"Yeah. Yeah… Yeah, I really don't believe that I owe that amount. I don't have that kind of money, nor have I ever. How could I spend so much money that I end up getting that much just in taxes on it."

"I understand your thought process, Miss Luke. However, this is the correct amount. You owe us $15,000.23."

"That seems... a little crazy. Do you have a supervisor that I may speak with?"

"I am a supervisor, Miss Luke."

"You are a supervisor?"

"Yes, Miss Luke."

"Tell me, Jaime, why is a supervisor playing the role of debt collector?"

"We are quite busy at the moment because of the recession. We are doing what we have to to get everything squared away."

"That was a fast response."

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"Well good sir, I cannot pay $15,000.23 all at one time."

"That is quite alright Miss Luke. There is a way that you can be placed on an installment payment plan."

"A what?"

"A payment plan."

"Oh. That's very nice of you."

"Absolutely, ma'am. We at the I.R.S. are here to help those in need."

"Sure. Sure. Say, is there a way that I can by chance go in person to talk to the I.R.S. and get these payment plans taken care of? I still want to handle my death certificate."

"No, ma'am."

"Okay."

"How will you be paying, Miss Luke?"

"I don't understand the question."

"Credit card or debit card?"

"Well… How will the payment plan be arranged? How much is in each installment?"

"We can arrange it where you can pay in three installments. $5,000 for the first two payments and one would be for $5,000.23.

"Oh no, Jesse. That is still too much money. I can not pay that much at once."

"Well, Miss Luke, how much can you pay?"

"Let's see. Let's see. Let's see."

"Yes ma'am. I'm waiting."

"Currently I have $0.24 in my bank account. And in my savings account I have… Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see... I have $0.12 so I can pay you know... maybe a dime."

"You only have $0.36 to your name, ma'am?"

"To my name? What do you mean? My name is Amanda."

"No ma'am. No ma'am. You only have $0.36 in your possession."

"Oh no, no, no. I have let's see... Currently, I have on me a penny. A sucker. Some paper clips. And not sure why, but I even have some string in my pocket."

"Ma'am. You are wasting my time."

"But I thought you wanted to help me. You said I owe the government money."

"Ma'am. Again, you are wasting my time. I know that you have the money readily available."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I do."

"Well that's weird. Where can I get this money? Because I would love to have more money than what I have right now. I spend all my money on my cats. I have 15 cats right now. There's: Reba, Dolly, Merle, Mary Lou, I usually, you know, give them away to people but I usually, well, it's just, it's just that there's a lot of stuff I have goin’ on right now and cat food is so expensive and I'd rather eat ramen noodles than for them not to have good healthy food. These poor cats have had such a hard life and it just isn't fair for them not to be given nice food. I don't understand how people can be so mean, especially to animals. I just don't-"

"Ma'am."

"Understand. I mean. To think that people don't feed their pets Grade-A stuff, horrible! And you know, I do have two dogs. So I feed them. You know, really nice food as well. And that costs a lot of money-"

"Ma'am."

"And then for some reason somebody gave me a snake. I'm not sure why they gave me a snake but it doesn't like to eat dead mice but I refuse to give it live mice so I'm actually going to take that to the pet store to relinquish ownership. They said that if it's too big of a snake they might not take it so I'm gonna maybe have to take it to the vet and beg them to please find a home for it. I just can't look at the poor little mouse's face when you know. You know. When the snake. You know. Ooh! Gives me chills!"

"Ma'am."

"And, I'd really like to get a bird. But I don't think my cats and the bird would get along really well. So I don't think that's gonna happen. Oh! I also have a hamster. But yeah I'm gonna have to get rid of that one. That poor thing. It kind of creeps me out. I read online that hamsters eat their young. So no thank you! I don't want anything that's a cannibal!"

"Ma'am!"

"Oh! What is it? You don't have to shout at me! I'm just tellin’ you, you know, I would like to have more money. So where can I get this money that you said I have?"

"You have the $15,000.23 I know you have this $15,000.23."

"But I don't. I don't have that much money. I told you I only have a little bit of change and a lot of pets that take any spare change I do have. But of course I wouldn't trade my pets in for money. They're very, very nice. Except you know for that creepy hamster and the snake that will only eat living things. That's just weird."

"Ma'am, I am going to hang up now."

"This means that I'm gonna go to prison for not payin’ my taxes?"

"Yes."

"Well then, you're not doin’ your job."

"Don't tell me how to do my job, ma'am."

"Oh, you! You're just a little fuckin’ asshole, now aren't you? What- what was your name again?"

His mind raced a bit. He couldn't remember what name he had told her and she had been repeatedly calling him by different names. He looked at his papers and did not see the name he had given her. Typically he tells his scamees his name is Alex but that has become a common name for others in his office and their other locations to use. Instead he focused on diverting the topic. "Ma'am! Do not talk to me that way."

"Well good sir, or whatever your made up name is, I really hope that you get an unlubricated cucumber right up the nose. Because. Well because that's absolutely rude!"

"Is-is that a euphemism?"

"I only speak English so I don't know."

"I was-Uhm. Well, ma'am! You can not talk to me like that."

"Well if I owe the government that much money, you think you would be able to work somethin’ out with me in order to get that much money! But all you're doin’ is wasting my time."

"Ma'am, I will not let you talk to me the way you're talking to me."

"Take that headset of yours and shove it in your fuckin’ earhole. I think I'm just gonna go to the I.R.S. building myself and I'll take care of this myself. Like I said, I know where it is. I guarantee I can find someone who knows more about what's going on that you do, pooprag."

"Ma'am, don't call me a pooprag. And. No, ma'am. If you are going to pay us what you owe, you have to pay over the phone. Right now, with me."

"Why? I don't like you."

"Would you like to speak to my supervisor?"

"I thought you said that you were the supervisor."

"Everyone has a supervisor above them."

"Oh. Okay. Yeah. Get them on the line."

Hold music echoed through her phone for about five minutes.

"Hello, Miss Luke."

"Hello. This is Amanda. Who are you?"

"My name is Amy."

"Amy. How are you?"

"I'm doing well. Miss Luke. There seems to be a little bit of confusion. We have your account pulled up on our computers and we see that you are at an outstanding balance of $15,000.23. Were you aware of this?"

"Well, no. Well, yes. I mean. I do now because he called me and he just told me this. So, before talkin to you, technically yeah. But before this call, no. And I'm confused. Well. Well. Uh. So. He told me that I owed this money but he never told me what I purchased that caused so much tax on it."

"We don't know that ma'am."

"Oh. Well. Uh. Who do I talk to to get a record of what I was taxed on?"

"You just have to trust us, Miss Luke."

"Trust you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You guys couldn't even get me my death certificate."

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"My death certificate. I'm still waitin’ on my death certificate. You know I even talked to the carnival themselves and they said they would not have any problem with that elephant sittin’ on top of me and killin’ me and I could go out in a blaze of glory."

"An elephant, ma'am?"

"Yes. An elephant. I found a circus that still has elephants and they are treated very well and the elephant did not seem like it would mind sittin’ on me and killin’ me. Which does raise some questions now that I think about it. Why would such a peaceful creature be alright with that? Huh. Anyway, I don't understand why it was such a problem. But, nooooo! The I.R.S. said I couldn't do it for legality reasons and I said it was a bunch of horseshit that I wanted to die by elephant crushin’."

"I'm not sure the I.R.S. would be the correct department to get that type of certificate from, ma'am."

"Oh? Well what department?"

"I'm not sure. However, I do think we're getting off topic here, ma'am."

"I think you guys are just wastin’ my time."

"Ma'am. Are you going to be able to pay us $15,000.23?"

"How am I going to get $15,000.23? I already told the gentleman ahead of you that I didn't have that much money. And so he suggested installments, but that was too expensive."

"We can definitely do an affordable payment plan for you. I will even help you set it up yourself."

"Really? Well. Alright."

"You're welcome."

"I didn't say thank you."

"Now. Miss Luke. How much would you be able to pay per installment?"

"How often are the installments?"

"Once per month."

"Oh. Well. I don't know. I don't know how much I could afford to pay every month."

"A rough estimate."

"Well, Amy. With regards to my average income, and bills, and with all the pets that I have... I believe I can average about a nickel."

"A- a-a  nickel?"

"Yes. A nickel. Five cents."

"You have to provide more than five cents a month."

"Well. Amy. I can't."

"Well. Miss Luke. I can't set up a payment plan for so little. I am going to have to get the police involved."

"Okay."

"They very well might take you straight to jail. Tax evasion is a massive crime."

"Okay."

"Excuse me, Miss Luke? What did you say?"

"I said, okay. Because it is okay. Call the police. That's fine."

"Are you okay with the authorities getting involved in the situation?"

"Yes. What are they going to do?"

"Ma'am. I can have them go straight to your residence."

"Okay. I'll make them cookies."

"I am going to call them and they are going to get dispersed to your residence. They are going to drag you out of your house and take you to jail."

"Wait. Seriously?"

"Seriously."

There was silence.

"Ma'am do you have the $15,000.23 or not?"

"Wait. Wait. Wait."

"What is it Ms. Luke?"

"YOU work for the government."

"Yes."

"And the authorities work for the government."

"Yes, they do."

"Then why are they pulling you out of your home?"

"What?"

"You're on the same side."

"Not my home. Your home."

"Yes. Your home. Why are they pulling you out if your home?"

She heard Amy's muffled voice. "I think we need to move to the next one."

"Next one? Huh? Hello? Amy?"

"Yes, ma'am. We apologize for taking so much of your time. We are going to hang up now."

"But, but. What about the authorities and the taxes and all the stuff?"

"Have a good day."

"Wait! Wait!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I have an asshole hamster I could sell."

"Ma'am, I'm going to hang up now. Have a good day."

*Click

Amanda Luke looked down at her phone and sniffed in. She grabbed her box of tissues and gently wiped away the snot dripping out of her nostril. ‘Damn this emphysema,’ she thought. ‘If only I could quit smoking.’ She lit a new cigarette with the one that was almost dead as her husband walked into the kitchen.

“Hey sweetheart,” he kissed her on her cheek. “Who were you on the phone with?” He poured himself a cup of coffee, hiding his wincing as his arthritic hands hurt.

“Oh. Some dumbass scam.” She waved her hand dismissively as she looked down at her crossword puzzle.

“Oh? How'd you mess with them today?”

She smiled devilishly at him. “Told him I was trying to get a death certificate.”

They both laughed until their sides hurt.