Chapter 1
“When I had stepped into Dili uncle’s house I could scarce have imagined that I would be privy to a world of darkness that I had only read about but like everything else it had remained distant till it happened at my door step; well almost at my door step!”
“This seems fascinating stuff; just hold on I’ll quickly get us some drinks.” Said my girl friend Chandi clearly worried at the thought of what could have so shaken me up!
“I must warn you though any conclusion that we draw will be premature in the absence of further details though there is confirmation…” I said to her retreating figure.
“Don’t worry, I understand,” said Chandi looking back and stepping away up to fetch us drinks.
“Go on,” said Chandi, handing me the drink and squatting comfortably on the bed not resting against the pillows but holding one of them in her lap.
I hesitated a bit and then began. “Chandi I debated long and hard whether to confide in you at all…”
“Why? I thought we were far more than friends, intense in a short period though.”
“I never want to lose you Chandi and…”
“You won’t; I love you no less and I’m not going to lose you come what may, ok? So go on,” she said confidently without waiting for my answer.
“What I have to tell you may hurt you…”
She just stared at me and then smiled, “Do please go on.”
“I slept with Anu,” I said and paused prepared to explain the circumstances that had inevitably led to this betrayal! Quite uncharacteristically Chandi said not a word! She did however carry a flush of anger on her face. That indeed was understandable.
“Let me explain, I owe you one…”
“Go on,” she said tersely.
“I had slept earlier the whole afternoon in fact,” I continued a bit sheepishly, ashamed really, but then I realized that it was better to acquaint her with this scenario right at the outset because the rest of it would be a build up to Anu’s current state. “We fell asleep, clearly exhausted by the hectic activities of the day…”
“…and the fornication,” added Chandi calmly but I was quite sure seething with anger!
And though fatigued I was alive, a bit drowsy though. I did kiss her softly and wondered if anyone could even remotely surmise her sexual prowess and near insatiable need!; It certainly wasn’t desire alone. I looked at her again, wrapped up around me and I stroked back her hair that had virtually invaded her face.”
Chandi was quiet but quite clearly angry.
“Chandi do forgive me please…”
“Go on,” she said rather tersely.
“Very well,” I said; I had taken a conscious decision to confide in her and it was futile to hold back now, so I continued, “Sleep was eluding me, and for a long time I just put a couple of pillows below my head and looked at the darkness far out at sea across the shut glass window, catching an occasional shimmer. I decided to spend some time in the cool environs of the balcony awash with breeze from the sea, and just as I was slipping out of the bed, I heard Anu pleading, ‘Please stop Daddy! Oh no! You’re hurting me. Please!’ She then curled up in a fetal position, the blanket askew and I heard her gentle snore. I quietly slipped out of bed, adjusted the blanket over her and as I bent to kiss her, I saw the tears that had flowed down on to her face. The cheeks were wet. I stepped into the loo and picked up a couple of face tissues and very gently dab dried her face. I then adjusted the ac temperature by a couple of notches. I unplugged the kettle and lifting the tea table I quietly left the room. The balcony wet after the shower, was cool and I set the table against the wall where the plug point was and set the kettle to boil. I made a cup of strong tea and sat on the chaise watching the fading darkness beyond, with a wave occasionally shimmering in the diminishing moonlight it had caught, similar to the experience I had had a while ago lying down, watching across the window of the bedroom.
“To say the very least I was quite confused and appalled! My immediate reaction was quite extreme; I wanted to wrap Anu around me and tell her I would always be there to protect her! I also felt outraged at the inhumanity of her dad, and I must admit I never felt as incensed as I then did! Chandi, I had read such items on Yahoo pages and newspapers which now more frequently reported cases of incest both here in India and elsewhere in the world. I guess when it happens in your cocooned world the rage acquires murderous intent! At the same time I felt sorry for Anu too and yet marveled at the ease with which she carried this…this shameful albatross around her neck! Chandi I was confused at the two levels at which Anu lived and quite frankly I was at a loss as to what…what I ought to do.
“It was too far-fetched to say so but at that very moment I felt ravaged too; impotent with rage and precious little that I could do to vent it!
“Even in such a moment of despair I couldn’t help but wonder how a person could transform from an adorable hostess, caring and smiling, ever helpful into a raging tigress!”
Chandi was red hot with rage, “So you slept with her?” It seems she had controlled herself this far and now suddenly burst forth!
“Listen to me Chandi, please Chandi I didn’t have to tell you but I thought you’d forgive me…”
“You had been intimate only with me…”
“Yes, yes, yes! Believe me Chandi the circumstances were such that resolve melted and somehow I was carried away in this…this whirlpool as everyone else was at that party!”
“How old is she?”
“I can’t say but she’s certainly not young.”
“Describe her to me,” she asked more as a command than as a request.
“Well she’s much shorter than you may be five two or so, roundish face and when she smiles her recessed tooth shows, the smile carries to her eyes and she does look lovely; short hair, fair and quite well stacked. A fitness freak really…”
“Have you fallen for her?”
“I told you I haven’t; there will never be anyone in my life but you; you’ll have to believe that.”
“What did you then do?” Chandi’s was a wee bit relieved though the chill in her voice was more than just discernible!
“I finished my tea, went to the loo and after freshening up I picked up my bag silently and left her room. Then a thought struck me that I should not leave without a message of joy, to make her feel that nothing untoward had happened especially when she saw her tear stained cheeks in the morning; I had only dab-dried her wet cheeks not wiped away the tears lest she wake up; the stains would tell a story even if she did not recall the disclosure; most dreams and nightmares dissolve before the rays of the rising day.
“I thought for a while and then with her lipstick wrote, ‘TSUNAMI!’ on the bathroom mirror and left.
“There were beginnings of tears in my eyes as I re-lived the initial outrage I had felt at Anu having been ravaged at that tender age.”
Chandi’s voice suddenly softened, “Is she beautiful?”
I looked up and couldn’t but be honest, “Yes,” I said and added, “Her tenderness emerges from her smile; it is only in retrospect that I believe that it carries hidden within her layers of helplessness and despair…”
“I can well imagine.” I couldn’t really tell whether she was being sarcastic; in the condition I was in, I could hardly deny her the privilege. “Couldn’t be young, is she?” Chandi asked again.
“No.”
“Hell of a tricky situation,” she said with a hint of sympathy for the very first time; I think she was relieved at the thought that Anu wasn’t young and therefore not much of a threat!
“I can understand your dilemma and her pain but tell me why did you sleep with her?” I knew it was coming, would keep coming again and again and quite frankly I didn’t quite know how serious and adverse an impact it would have on our relationship if I made a silly excuse.
“I think it’s important to get this out of the way especially since I’m committed to helping her out with your inputs of course.”
“But of course; you haven’t answered my question though,” she held firm.
I looked into her eyes and said with as much sincerity as I could muster, “We were all high and even me; I was light headed despite restricting myself to two drinks unlike the others and right from day one, a short time before I met you we had locked eyes. She was high; it led finally to the discovery.”
“You know Avi if you had lied I would have left you this minute; but I’m glad you have the honesty to admit and I appreciate that.” She got up and said, “Let me fetch your second drink and we can then go on.” I gave her my glass; I felt more tired than I physically was.
“Where do you go from here?” she asked me solicitously, tenderly; she gauged my discomfort, perhaps the strain was reflected on my face.
“So far that’s all she’s revealed; the important thing is that she has admitted.”
“I can understand her trauma; we girls are condemned not just in our country but everywhere in the world. We are abused; traded, prostituted, burnt, snuffed out and tamed and shamed along with other such unspeakable horrendous brutalities that diminishes us and tears apart our respect for ourselves; the trauma never quite leaves us; in fact we go through hell most of our lives and ironically we pride ourselves in calling our social milieu a progressive society, all inclusive societies really! Look around you Avi, this phenomenon of suffering embraces the whole world and word of brutal treatment of women surfaces ever so often. Men in heat and no less often greed, forget the sanctity of relationships…”
“And women?”
“Women too, but quite inexplicably Avi reportage is scant in our cases; let me tell you we feel no less horny than you guys but we don’t go around kidnapping, raping and disemboweling men!”
“Tell me about your childhood, before the age of reason dawned on you…”
“Infancy and before puberty…” She began to ask.
“And subsequent to that…” My phone rang; I cupped the mouth piece and whispered Anu’s name. I put the phone on loudspeaker.
Chandi heard the whole conversation.
“Hi, ok to talk?”
“Sure, go ahead Anu.”
“I’m finding it difficult to sleep.”
“It’s late and you must be exhausted, try and sleep; tomorrow is another day,” I told her.
“I know,” she said ever so resignedly, “but I need to think some things through and sleep is not an option.”
“I understand.”
“Avi I called to understand a few things.”
“Sure.”
“Avi, have you discussed this with anybody?”
“Yes I have; a very dear and close friend of mine.”
“Trustworthy?”
“Very.”
“Thanks, but Avi that’s it , no more; must tell you I feel very comfortable with you; you probably don’t know but I would never have opened up but for you; I’ve been firefighting all my life, you can’t hide this forever; there have been slip ups and real costly ones too.” She paused; she knew I was on the line when she continued without the near mandatory, ‘are you there?’
“You know I could have just laughed it off and said that it must have been a terrifying nightmare and I must have wept and dismissed it; but I chose not to, the lying had to end sometime; even the psychiatrist told me I was hiding something because he told me, as he had done several times before, as well as just an hour or so before we met up this evening, that I was wasting my money because in the absence of full disclosure he could prescribe nothing but anti-depressants and relaxants.”
“I understand,” I said.
“I thought hard and long and after decades of traumatic and troubling thoughts I have found you, providentially if I may say so, who could listen compassionately, empathize with me and perhaps towards the end of my miserable life offer a recipe for joyous living without the past ganging up on me!” She paused, I knew she was crying; I was quiet and patient.
“As long as I am here I’ll be with you and travel many a mile without demur,” I assured her.
“Thanks,” she said and her voice carried the tone of the teary eyed.
She then asked me, after what seemed like an interminable pause, and throughout the silence I said not a word to interrupt her thoughts, “Will you promise me Avi you’ll tell not another soul except your lady friend?” she asked anxiously.
“You have my word but tell me how do you know it’s a lady?”
“You are irresistible even if you don’t know that! Just please tell her to keep it under wraps; I wish I’d spoken to you earlier but I’ve been drinking and crying all this time.”
“You have my word; it’ll travel nowhere from us. Her name is Chandi and I know this is not the best of times to introduce the two of you but soon we’ll all get together.”
“Thanks Avi; do give Chandi my love and tell her she couldn’t have made a finer choice.”
“Many thanks, sincerely Anu; I’ll let her know…”
“Unless of course…yes Avi, she’s already heard it all on the loudspeaker!”
“Suddenly your disclosure has turned you into a suspicious person…”
“Avi disclosing has wrapped me once again in fear of the unknown; it is not directed against you or anybody; it’s the deepening uncertainty; you understand don’t you?”
“Yes I do; the best thing Anu for you is to sleep; the new day always throws up avenues; we’ll take the one most promising.”
“I’m reassured; I think I’ll get some sleep now. Thanks Avi, love you.”
“Sleep tight and you’ll watch the demons disappear with time.”
“You know Avi, we always like to believe we’re a step ahead from being discovered, little realizing we’ve left behind us one print or the other of our perfidy, of our guilt; I do believe this happens because in our anxiety to erase the guilt we miss something that over time damns us.”
“There can be many reasons both for what we do and no less for what we choose not to do, consciously or otherwise; but the fact remains that guilt carries with it the urgency to quickly retrieve the high ground and in that haste we leave behind our signature.”
It seemed I was a rephrasing what she had said but she little realized that her phraseology carried hidden scars that lay within her which had tormented her and perhaps there were inadvertent revelations in the past that she probably had managed to laugh away; in fact she had said as much that she could have easily explained away this incident as well, as a frightening nightmare but she finally chose to unburden herself to a person that she had begun to trust. She knew I was no way near a psychoanalyst but I think she needed someone to understand her, perhaps to guide her for every journey in our lives carries many a scar, many a pit fall and perhaps overcoming them gives a measure of meaning to it; she thought I could help her do that.
“Though you have chosen your words with care and obvious concern for me, I honestly do wish to know whether you feel I was a victim or I invited the abuse.”
“Clearly a victim from the nightmare you unconsciously articulated,” I said promptly and without a moment’s hesitation.
“Love you Avi.”
“Sleep well my love and don’t worry; you are now on a road that has no pot holes.”
“I think you have no idea about the depths of the abysses hidden by darkness to which an evil mind can sink. I have been taken there; visions of those often torment me Avi.”
“Good night Anu; I shall pray that you find sleep and when we meet next I shall listen to your story and hope that at the end of it you feel light enough to journey forward, journey confidently once again.”
“Good night Avi; I’m already feeling better.”
That night was memorable for the tenderness and the joy I felt; it was so blissful that it reminded me of my intimacies in Delhi; of Mini who taught me all that I knew and as with her, this night carried memories of the beautiful and the pleasurable in my life. I remembered Suhana too and when I sent Chandi into ecstasies that she could scarce hold back her euphoria demanding more, I knew Suhana’s teachings and guidance had indeed worked wonders! I felt blessed and clutching Chandi I thanked God for giving me a partner I loved so deeply that I could no longer conceal my joy!
I remembered too the urgent demands of Anu and in moments of this nature the best phase is the languorous one that lets you drift into the sleep of the satiated; letting you rise strong and fulfilled to meet joyfully the mysteries of the new day.
I now had Chandi’s endorsement when she said while we were having tea the next morning, “I really have no objection to your helping this girl come to terms with living but I do wonder why helping someone requires carnal relations to be effective!”
“You’ve got a point,” I said, getting up and kissing her on her forehead, “The two aren’t related at all and as I said it was because of that one incident that has brought out the truth and now the story will unfold if she…if she decides to come totally clean.”
“I can imagine; but suppose she decides against confiding...”
“There’s no way I can force it, can I?”
“Except...”
“Chandi, I’ve promised you haven’t I Chandi!”
