Chapter 1
Chapter 1
I walked at a steady pace through the gardens admiring all of the beautiful scenery. The flowers all looked so astonishing, breathtaking. I was at my local garden, so I often walked through. But yet each time it looked so different I would notice details that I haven’t realised ever before. The roses looked so much brighter, the clouds looked so much fluffier, the sun looked so much warmer. And in all I felt happier as a person, I felt like all my dread and misery from what had happened last summer had vanished. But how could what felt like hundreds of years of being tortured just vanished by walking through one garden. There is nothing in life that can explain what had just happened, nothing in my twenty years of experience in life could explain what just happened to me. I don’t think in world history anyone has ever overcome so much stress, trauma, and overall sadness in one evening that consists of twelve hours. There has to be something wrong, something wrong with this garden or just inside me overall.
My first thought was that I was sober, but that would be close to impossible considering the fact that i havent drank any alcohol or drugs in the last month. My second thought was that I was hallucinating all of this, and that none of it was even true. Like a dream, a dream I so wished would come true. My third and last thought would be that I was dead, or maybe in a coma. But nope I’m still alive. I started walking faster, the thought of there being something wrong in this small garden frightened me. I don’t know why I should really be at ease now that all of my pain and sorrow was taken away from me. But the minute I stepped out of my garden, all my pain, sorrow, rage and basically all my emotions came back. It felt like an extremely sudden wave that hit me. That I was drowning in my emotions that I now feel so much worse than when I first came into the garden. I was always scared of this happening. All of my emotions hit me like a tsunami. Now i’m at rock bottom, my emotions are now like a teenage girl, going through the phase of her hormones being complicated. It’s been a while since i felt that way. If I were to give it a number of years I would say six years. That’s when I was fourteen, and was the most dramatic teenager that ever existed. Well I guess that used to be the role of my little sister who is seven years younger than me. But she died in the battle of Fiji. She was stabbed in the heart by my own father. After that my family has never been the same. My mother took me to the otherside of the world, changed my passport, and so on. Now I am 20, the only family I have left is my loving mother and my father who left me. It was hard at the beginning but I got used to it. I don’t feel the same pain in my chest when I weak up it the morning. I guess it is different for my mother, but I would expect that. Her daughter died by a man she trusted, a man she loved. My own father. My mother is now stable, and mentally stable but our lives will never be the same.
I walked a bit further out of the garden, looking up at the sky. Wondering what I ever did to deserve the life I have now. I had to tell myself that there was nothing I could do to change my life. But I still felt guilty that I wasn’t able to hold my sister in my arms. To tell her that I will be the same. Right now my favourite quote couldn’t feel more real, more true. The quote said “If missing you come in waves, then right now I am drowning”. Right now I am drowning and there is nothing anyone can do except tell me it will all be alright. Tell me I will get better. What if I don’t? What If I become a failure. I guess no one will ever know for sure. Only time will tell. The air around me felt much heavier than it did in the garden. It felt as if someone had just put ten kilogram weights on my shoulder and told me to carry them. It was hard but I pushed through. I took another step, because that is the only thing in my situation. No one can take away my stress, no one can help me. Only I can help myself. So I took another- step. Before I could really guess what was happening, I realised I must look like such an idiot. Taking a step then stopping and continuing that cycle. So I started to walk at a steady pace. Before I could even think about one more thought I was in front of my university, the place I dreaded the most. The place where I had to sit in a chair and hear my peers talk crap about me. I might be a bit negative about my past experience in university, but I have a solid reason why. I found it boring, Since my sister died last year, no one wanted to talk to me. They probably thought I was weird. I think the reason why I have so many problems is because I am a massive over-thinker. I overthink everything, from what people think about my shoes to, whether I made someone sad by talking too much. I am not as bad as my mother, no that’s impossible she is practically the queen of otherthinking. If someone were to compliment her, she would start thinking whether they just said that because they were forced to or if they truly meant it. Like her I am a severely awkward person, to the point where even the smallest interactions make people sigh and walk away. I think they probably gave up on me or something. Or they just gave up on being friendly, because of this, I have no friends. I am extremely lonely. I sti by myself everyday working on projects - projects that do not involve any socialisation of course. Or else like everything else in life I would suck at it. Oh yeah and I am also an extremely negative person.
I tied my hair up into a ponytail and walked into class. Like usual I was the first one there. I quite liked being the first one there. It gave me time to think. Time to pack out all of my things and think whether I have enough time to run out of the class and ditch school. However I never caught myself doing that. I know that would only put me in more trouble, as if I need any of that.
The teacher walks into the class along with all of the kids who probably tried to skip but were caught. He started to do the attendants . My teacher was a semi attractive male, he had wavy, short, black hair that in the sunlight had a tint of hazel in it. He wore glasses, which was normally a turn of for a lot of my female peers. Which I never really understood. Glasses are hot. He announced our topic for today which is the History of Alizuka. He begins by saying, “For those of you have not done your homework. Alkutaku is a small village inside Mount Fuji. I know this might not sit well will all of you, considering that it seems quite impossible.``. He talks for what seems like another hour but probably was only fifteen minutes. All of the students around me have either started paying no attention, or are not paying attention but are acting like they are. He continues babbling for another hour. Finally the bell rings. I gather my things and let out a small sigh, knowing what’s coming next gym class. The time of day I wished I could just fade away, if that was humanly possible. I assume that it is not humanly possible considering that all of the cells in my body can just become transparent in a click of a finger. I walk to the female changing room, I usually go to the corner. That is because it is the place where the least amount of people can see me. If there is one thing I hate myself for, it is deciding to take gym class as one of my majors. Now I will be stuck with it for four more years. I really don’t know why I chose it, yet I don’t know why I do a lot of things. Does anyone really know why they choose what they choose or is it only me.
I get changed into my raggy gym clothes, which consist of an old oversized t-shirt that probably hasn’t been washed this year and a pair of old gym shorts. All my female peers normally go for something as revealing as possible. I don’t know why, it is as if they always have to have a competition on who can show the most skin. I find it annoying. I walk down the hall into the auditorium where we sometimes do gym, only on occasions where they- remove all of the chairs. Our gym teacher walks through the door, she is quite a small lady, and has medium length hair. That has a golding blonde colouring, she like me is also trying to show as little skin as possible, knowing how my male peers can get around her. She starts to do the introduction for the class.Today we are going to kick boxing, thank goodness I don’t think I could stand another day of having to run. A few of the students help her to bring the boxing bags and equipment onto the stage, where we will be practising. It was fun for a while until I realised how unfit I am. I haven’t really paid much attention to my physical physique until this year. New year, new you they say but I think I should make a healthy change. So far my daily habits haven’t been the best thing in the world. Most of my days have been spent in bed, whereas this year my mother dragged me out of bed, literally.I want to learn how to be more independent, productive and overall a much better person overall. I am in university and as much as I would like to say I have my life completely pulled together that would be a lie. I don’t have a clue what I am going to do for my future, nor what the future will behold. I only have 4 years of university left and I will be twenty-four years old. Since I was a child I never really liked the concept of ageing, but it started to bother me a while ago. My mother always told me ageing is a beautiful thing, and that I will see my partner and I grow old. There is just one minor detail that could be a problem, I don’t have a partner. I have no intentions on searching for one, hell I can barely look after myself.
Gym class was almost over. The only thing that was left to do were the final stretches, this is probably my favourite part. I am not sure because it means we are done with gym or if it is just the easiest part out of the entire workout session. Once the stretching was done, I gathered my bag and headed for the door. No one dared to talk to me, I caught a few girls trying to catch glimpses, but I just glared at them. Overall people just ignored me. I liked it that way, so much less drama. I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone else’s feelings, only my own. It was like the only person on my team was me, me against the world. I liked it that way. People such as my mother started to tell me I should branch out, make friends but her and I both know that it is close to impossible. That is like telling a dog to do a backflip, not impossible just not likely. Friends are too much drama, shure they help you solve your problems but they also cause you a lot of problems but a win is a win I guess.
My day at school is done, after three whole hours of sitting in classes and such I am done, now I am left to contemplate my life decisions. My current debate is whether I should go to the library and pretend to study where I am actually going to do anything but that. Or I could just go home and become a couch potato, Both very tempting,but I probably have to get something to go eat, considering I haven’t eaten all day. I decided to go to my local coffee shop and ordered my regular coffee and toasted sandwich. My coffee came within seconds, which is one of the things that I like about this place. The service is great, although the company is not something I would recommend. The people in general in this town are mean. They don’t like to have any fun and don’t agree to host any events or festivals. It is like the only colour in their lives is when a mother gives birth to someone with a unique hair colour. The town goes wild. I lived here for most of my life so who am I to complain, you get used to all of the snarky comments and the bad breath. Not all of the people have bad breath but it is quite common here, mainly based on our diet coffee, coffee, coffee. If a day does not conclude coffee the entire town would go nuts. For them it is like cannabis, So how cliche of me to order coffee in a town that is known for the people being runned on coffee.
My sandwich finally arrives and I swallow it within seconds, the sandwich had lettuce, tomato, basil, hard boiled eggs, tuna, chicken, sesame seeds, honey, honey-mustard and potato The waiter stared at me as if I was an animal showcased in a zoo, as if I have no human decency. I just glared at her and she finally gave in and started to walk away, Awkwardly. That is when I realised something. I am twenty years old and studying in a world class university that my mother paid a lot of money to bribe the people to let me join. I have no friends at all. I have no form of love life. I am decent academically. I have zero talents. What am I doing with my life? Is what I ask myself as I walk to my college dorm, because I have no car, and other qualities to add to the list of accomplishments. I am useless.
My mom always told me to be good or nothing at all, well I guess I am nothing at all. She will be so disappointed, her only daughter, well only alive daughter is a disappointment. How cruel, she must think that I am such a misfit that doesn’t belong anywhere. Is that what I am, some random misfit?
Where do I belong in this world? I wonder to myself, I imagine the garden. Trouble free not a problem that can’t be fixed. When I step out of the garden, all my troubles appear like waves. I start to drown. I have no saviour, I set this life up for myself so I might as well deal with it. I have to deal with it, what choice do I have? It’s not like I should start to journal and stuff, for me It never works. Trust me if it did, I would do it, Hell I would have one thousand words dedicated to each one of my problems just to make it a little bit better. That’s not the way the world works is it? The world is complicated. Everything is for some people, like me, the random misfits.
I decide not to go to the garden as I will soon have to step out either way. I wonder to myself what my purpose is. I picture myself as a child in my mothers arm, she is smiling which now rarely happens. She looked at me as if I was her angel, as if I would not fail in this world, well she is very wrong.
