Chapter 1
I held my breath and unintentionally pressed the phone closer against my ear until the burning throb of pain surrounded it. The phone was hot and the silence was deafening. I knew he was still there, I could hear him breathing, but the pregnant silence was enough to make me question everything. I wanted to turn back the hands of time. To go back at least fifteen minutes and stop me from confessing it all. It didn’t make me feel better to get it off my chest. It didn’t stop the pressure from closing in more… All it did was ruin everything. This was turning out to be one of those things that wouldn’t ever change. Things had already grown bad and unusually distant between us. Even in my inebriated state, I knew that I’d just made things worse.
The sun was out and the breeze was cooling just enough on a hot day. Graduation seemed like so long ago and all the promises that had been made were sufficiently broken. It was a shame really to think about, but it was a path that couldn’t be changed. One that leads to a road where things would never change. Back in reality, graduation had only been a few months ago and all the promises made could still be rectified if someone had the courage. I couldn’t speak for him, but for me… I just wasn’t that brave. It was kind of terrifying to really think about and a lot to ask for. Sighing I laid back on my blanket in the grass and just let my mind wander for a minute. Fixing it all was not what I wanted to think about anymore.
Instead, being home was weird now. I’d gotten so used to being on my own and doing my own thing that being so close to him again was odd. College wasn’t what I thought it would be so far and yet it was still so much more than I ever could have imagined. The books seemed to spill from the shelves and everyone both wanted to know you and didn’t care who you were. Life moved both fast and slow and if you blinked for too long it felt like you would miss everything. I loved every second of it though. It wasn’t predictable and although the routine had become stagnant everyday still brought something new. The one thing that never changed though was how much I wanted to call him at night and tell him everything. How much I wanted to hear him countdown the days until we were together again like we used to, but those days were gone.
We hadn’t spoken since a week after graduation. We hadn’t hung out. We hadn’t even told each other happy birthday or celebrated any of the holidays. Our normal routines… our traditions had become forgotten. The anger we held towards each other had not. It wasn’t like it was anyone’s fault really, in actuality it was something that just changed and still could be changed, but I still blamed her. Her name was Clara Rose and around others she was just as sweet and lovely as her name would depict, but I knew the truth. Behind closed doors she was just a viper waiting to strike. When she did everything changed and she knew it.
At first she made it seem like she wanted me around too, then she’d find ways to separate us. Once she let me start a conversation that I knew he wanted and then she took over as if she knew him best. After a while, I got tired of it and just stopped showing up. Or maybe I was just jealous. It’s not clear, but that too became an issue when she asked how come I didn’t like her. He didn’t like feeling like he had to choose between us. A feeling she caused, but I got blamed. For the first time we had a fight. Like a real legitimate fight that ended with us deciding that we needed some time apart. She took advantage of that time and although we came back together, it just wasn’t the same. We weren’t the same. One day he told me that they were making things official and showed me the promise ring he’d bought. I made a comment about it being too soon for that and we got into another fight. That night I made a dumb phone call and a week later everything was ruined. He told me I ruined his graduation and walked away. That was that. Every plan we had made, all the things I wanted to tell him, had been ripped away from me at that very moment. I stood and watched as he walked away from me with her hand in his.
It was then that I realized it had always been him and probably always will be. No one will ever measure up. No one would ever understand me the way that he does. No one would understand my need to want to be a mermaid even though I can’t swim and still be willing to save me before I drown like he does. He was my person and somehow I’d managed to ruin it. My only regret has been that I didn’t have the courage to tell him that it had always been him and now I’ve lost my chance.
Today he comes home and for the first time in a long time, our parents are friends again. I just know that they’re going to celebrate together. It’s an unseasonably warm day and the grill is back in its place on the patio after a deep cleaning. They say he has something important to tell us and now I know. I’ve lost him and it’s my own fault. The amount of memories we have in this very backyard is overwhelming and feels like I’m betraying his new relationship just thinking about them. Sighing to myself again, I turn and lie on my stomach trying to pick out the different shades of green that I can see in the grass. It’s the best distraction I can think of right now. There’s only two so far when I hear his car pull up to his driveway. It’s still the same one I used to love being in the passenger seat in. He always hated when I refused a ride until she happened. I can hear him cut the engine and then the door slams.
I hear his laugh and then another door slams. He’s bought her with him and I am completely utterly broken. Maybe this week home won’t be our rekindling after all. My heart starts to ache again and just as I’m thinking about going inside and pretending to be sick, I hear his voice call my name and I can feel every emotion weighing me down and wrapping around encasing me until I’m forced to feel it seeping through every pore.
“Hey Amani.” he breathes, stealing mine directly from my lungs. I’m starting to panic and it takes a moment for me to remind myself that this is just Adrian. My Adrian, the one that I’ve grown up with. The one that was my best-friend. That one that I know best. It doesn’t matter that he has her now, he’s still mine. Taking a deep breath I convince myself to sit up and face them. I’m convinced that I won’t care that he’s standing there with her, but when I open my eyes I’m surprised to see that although he’s not alone, it’s not her that is with him. Suddenly I care and that pisses me off. What if he doesn’t? Instead of what I thought I was going to say, a small smile forms on my face and all I can think about is that I have another chance. With that I open my mouth to find the words I desperately need to say, but none of them come out.
“Hey Adrian.” I breathe defeated. Maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow. Maybe I’ll admit what I only had courage to admit too when I was too drunk to know better.
It’s been a few hours now and as predicted, he came here first because he was told too. I
laughed as he pretended that we haven’t been friends for the last couple of months. I too pretend like everything about this isn’t freaking me out. It was strange, but it was easier in that first initial moment to do so. After we acknowledged each other he asked about the parents who were all in my kitchen. He went to greet them and then he came back out to join me, his friend temporarily forgotten. With a smile on his face he comes over and sits next to me on my blanket. For a moment it too looks like he’s trying to figure out how many shades of green are in the grass. I understand the need for a distraction. It’s quiet and I can feel his friend watching us curiously. He’s probably wondering the same things that everyone has always wondered about us. I try to ignore them both, but then he bumps his knee against mine and suddenly my attention is completely his. It’s something so familiar that I can’t help but to turn to him.
“I missed you.” he says and my heart breaks all over again. It’s part of what I want to hear, but I just can’t bring myself to believe it. It also makes me feel like nothing has changed, yet I know that’s not true. I’m angry again before I even notice.
“Not enough to pick up the phone though.” I spat before getting up and going inside. I hope he didn’t see the tears that were in my eyes.
I remember back when we were like twelve years old and we’d gone through this phase where being away from each other was the most suckiest thing that we could think of. We just wanted to be together. At school, at home, after school… it didn’t matter. Nothing felt right unless I was doing it with him. I can’t even explain how many times we begged to continue having the sleepovers our parents felt we were too old for now… or more rather our moms. It had really pissed me off every time they said no. I would scream and run crying into his arms about how it all wasn’t fair and he was always there to comfort me. The third time it happened he just smiled and said he had an idea.
“What are you going to do Bunny? They already said no a bazillion times.” I sniffled trying to wipe away the last of my tears. I had stopped sobbing, but the tears were still freely flowing from my eyes. I was just glad that he was still hugging me.
“Don’t you trust me Peach?” he asked and I blushed. For some reason I loved when he called me Peach. It made me feel warm on the inside every time I heard it. It was a simple thing, but it was what made me feel like I was really special to him.
“Always.” I responded unsuccessfully, batting my eyelashes at him. He just smiled before pulling me into a hug again and whispering in my ear.
“Good because I found a loophole in their rules.” I could hear the smile in his tone before I could see it for myself as he pulled back to look me in the eyes. There was complete joy on his face and his eyes were filled with mischief. Whatever this plan was, we were definitely getting in trouble, but it would be too late to do anything about it. A grin broke out on my face.
“Okay, you convinced me, I’m in.” I teased as he laughed again.
“Good. Come on, we don’t have that much time before it rains.” he was pulling me along before I even had time to protest. We worked quickly and quietly. He hadn’t told me exactly what it was that we were doing, but I didn’t mind. At the moment I was having fun. We started by setting down two wooden pallets next to each other right under the rain proof tent my father set up when he thought he was going to barbecue. Then we covered it with the softest picnic blankets we could find. He disappeared for a minute before he was suddenly calling my name at the top of his lungs and begging me to come help. I was confused, but as always I ran to help him. I died laughing when I saw that he was trying to carry a fully blown up air mattress for two and a basket of all our favorite drinks and snacks. I helped him to set it all up before running inside my own house and grabbing pillows, covers and a few things to keep us busy for the night. Games and books. I knew most of it would be forgotten because we would spend the entire time talking. Somehow in the time that I was gone, he’d gone back and got his portable DVD player and grinned about how we could watch the DVD of our favorite show together. At least for a little while.
By the time our parents had realized what we’d done it was too late and raining too hard to stop us. Our dads, who were best-friends, just laughed as our mothers yelled at them. The last thing we heard was his dad saying that we found a genius loophole.
I had no idea why I was crying, but I was. I had no idea why I had snapped and stomped away like that, but I had. I had no clue what I was expecting to come from it, but it had all happened so fast. Everything I was feeling had come rushing at me too fast to grasp. I was hurt. I was sad. I was happy. I was excited. I was anything and everything, but I was more pissed than anything. He left me and has the nerve to say he missed me like nothing ever happened. Who in the hell did he think he was? We weren’t kids anymore and I wouldn’t continue to just forgive him over protecting myself from being hurt. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to him. We couldn’t keep acting the way we were and we couldn’t pretend that we hadn’t made mistakes. As pissed as I was with him, I was more pissed at myself. As always I was the one who walked away and let her win. As always I was the one that was hurt and crying when he didn’t come after me. I don’t know why I thought that things would be different. I don’t know why I thought that he would still choose to console me when I was upset with him.
