Chapter 1

Look at you. Flowers growing all over. Now look at me. Standing here watching these flowers grow. Day and night I think of you. Day and night I wish it was me instead of you. I wish you told me your pain, your sorrows. I wish you told me that it wasn't okay. I want you to know I still remember you even if I'm forgetting your laughter and smile. I remember the effect you had on others. You were a contagious ray of sunshine. You made everyone brighter. I guess you gave your light to others and no one realized how dim you were becoming.

I still remember the day I met you like it was yesterday. It was my first day at the new school. Everyone knew everyone and I knew no one. I tried hard to fit in but I stood out and you saw that. You extended your hand and decided to take a leap and become my friend. I remember you had this stupid sweet smile on your face. We were just kids, little kids. We didn't know what the future would hold. You quickly became my best friend then grew into my brother.

Something that always touched me was how you were always there. You were there for my first friend breakup and my first actual breakup. You were there when my mom packed everything and left for the sex and drugs. You were there when my dad picked up the bottle more often and yelled daily. You were there. You would hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay even if it didn't seem like it would be. You made me complete. You were my home.

The day I heard I lost you was the worst day in my entire life. Your mother called my father and told him what happened. I remember being sat down and told, "He killed himself." I remember being frozen and processing it. I wanted to believe it wasn't true. I cried as I ran to your house begging God that you weren't actually gone. I remember the look on your mothers face. I was horrified. It was true. You were gone. You're forever 13.

I know you'd be proud of me if you saw me now though. I'm never completely over you but I have tried my best. I made it to 17! I did it! You said I would and I always laughed and said I wouldn't. You were the one with faith. I have amazing friends and loving boyfriend but there's still that spot that isn't filled. The spot where you're supposed to be. I like to believe that you are watching me and helping guide me. I like to believe that you are my guardian angel.

If I had the chance to speak to you now I'd tell you how grateful I am for you. That I miss you so much it hurts and I love you more than anything.