Chapter 1
I’ve always heard that our earliest moments shape who we are, but what if you discovered that the one memory that brings your heart joy, never even happened?
I can close my eyes now and see this memory like an old TV show playing on a screen. The picture is grainy, the room dimly lit. My mother sits on her twin-sized bed, applying makeup. Her long, dark curls are loosely tied over her left shoulder. I don’t see her as I would have from the floor, playing with my doll, but as an outsider, peeking into the room.
Tap-tap-tap, I hear on the window. My mom rushes to put everything away and checks herself one last time in the mirror before hopping up to open the bedside window. There he is, my father. I’ve always heard he was a playboy back in the day, but I could never understand why. He wasn’t very tall, didn’t have a muscular build, or even a chiseled jawline. He was dark-skinned with dark brown eyes and a real love for rock music. Whatever it was, my mother loved him.
He clambers into the window, practically falling over my younger self, with a plastic bag in one hand and a Big Gulp in the other. He quickly kisses my mother on the cheek, hands her everything and swiftly lifts me into the air, snuggling me as he attacks me with kisses. I scream with laughter, and my mother smacks him, trying to quiet us so as not to wake my grandparents.
This is the only memory I have that brings me a sense of pure joy. It makes me realize that there was a day when they were happy. Together. And I was pure. The best part? Dad says it never happened. He tells me that I made it all up. Maybe I did? Maybe I created this alternate reality in my head. So as I lay here in my bed, I turn up the stereo in my room and drift off into a world that apparently never existed.
Today is the last day of 8th grade. I should want to get up. I should want to throw on the cutest outfit I have and watch the way Josh, my neighbor’s 16 year old son, smiles at me as I hip sway my way into Dez’s car. But I have no desire today. Im exhausted from another sleepless night. I know its because of what this weekend is. Its always a tough month for us. The beggining of my summer of freedom is always shadowed by the endless phone calls across the city looking for him when I see he hasnt come home. The phone rings and startles me awake. Its Dez. I silence the phone. I’m not ready for her chipperness just yet. It rings again. She knows I silenced her. “Yeees?” I say grogily.
“Are you ready? Im getting ready to walk out the door. Please dont make me late again!”
Dez has been my best friend for as long as I remember. We became friends after she was the new girl in school in the 5th grade and I hated new girls. I mean I hated all other girls, lets be honest. They were always my competition. But she grew on me and now I can hear her tiny little pink Miata pulling up outside my house. Shes gonna kill me!
Dez opens my door, yelling as she storms up the stairs, “Beth, lets go!” I knew I shouldnt have given her a key I think to myself.
“I swear you have 20 alarms every morning and not once are you ever up on time. I never get to eat breakfast AND spend time with Gabe!” Her dark cherry red and black hair is up in her signature Princess Leah buns and she rocks a pair of baggy black cargo jeans and a pink and black stripped crop top. She is like a skinny punk version of punky brewster. Her and Gabe have been together since 7th grade. No one thought they would last this long. Anything passed 6 months is practically marriage at our age.
Dad stammers out of his room, barely dressed in boxers and a dirty undershirt. “Hey Dez, you need gas money?”
“Stop it” I said, snatching the twenty dollar bill he tried to hand her. “You know rent is due in 2 days dad, go back to your room.” I look at Dez and apologize silently, she knows I want to help with gas, I really do, but we just cant afford to. Not this month. Im not even embarrased about it anymore. She has been by my side through so much, I dont think she even thinks twice. “Never want your money Albie!” He just grunts and returns to his room, slamming the door and blasting Angel by Aerosmith on his stereo. He always said it reminded him of her.
This Saturday will be 10 years since she passed and every year his “habits” get worse around this time. Although, this year, I think I may have actually have saved enough to help with the rent until he finds another job. I’ve been withdrawing money everytime he send me to the store for something and hiding it in a small hole I made undr my desk chair. Im really not sure if he notices or if he even cares. Money has never been something we knew how to keep. Im only 13 years old and have lived in about 14 different houses and attended 8 different schools. I couldnt even tell you how many jobs hes had. Im surprised they still keep hiring him.
Dez grabs a poptart off the counter and heads outside, “Ill wait for you in the car. Dont take forever!”
Dez is only 14 and of course doesnt have her drivers license yet but with 4 older brothers and mom who is around just as much as my dad is, has no choice but to learn how to drive herself to school everyday. Being the baby sister really paid off for her when her brothers realized she needed a way to get to school every morning. One morning piggy just showed up in her drive way. The little miata was small and pink the keys she found on the note that just said “dont fuck it up” had a small jelly like pig on it. So we named her Piggy. I like to call her Ms. Piggy but Dez hates that name and always finds something to throw at me everytime I mentioned it.
Luckily, my hair is still curled from yesterday and my clothes are already laid out. I’m never this organized but today Dez is meeting Gabe on the baseball field for their end of year photo. Every year they take a corny picture on field where they first met. Its so cute I can gag. And every year his teammates are there practicing and every year I use this as an opportunity to find a new date for the end of year party. So I pull on my favorite bootcut jeans and a beige crop tank that has a v neck that stops right to the top of my cleavage. With the right bra, these babies are gonna look delicious. I perk them up in the mirror and quickly grab some gold hoops and a gold chain and rush out the door. Piggy is already honking at me to hurry up.
