Love, I guess

“What are you even doing? Are you listening to me?” Erica’s voice crackled through the phone.

Erica and I had been friends for what felt like a lifetime. We grew up on the same street, just a few houses apart. We used to ride our bikes, go to the store walking up and down the isles and sometimes buy ourselves ice cream when we had some spare change. She was the best friend anyone could ask for, we just matched, from the very beginning.

She sighed at me on the phone. “Hello, earth to Hannah, are you still there?”

She sighed, pulling me back to the present. Once again she said, “Hello, Earth to Hannah, are you still there?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry...” I replied, my voice trailing off. I was scrolling through pictures on what I assumed was Luke’s “real” Instagram page, the one he had apparently been hiding from me. Hundreds of pictures, with people I had never seen before. A whole other life I never knew.

“I’ve tried to tell you about seventy-five billion times that he was a little too good to be true. Like, there was something else going on,” Erica’s voice rose with frustration. "So good there had to be a very large red flag?"

I knew she wasn’t Luke’s biggest fan and never really trusted him, but you know. Love, I guess... Störst i thought it was love. I was blind. I sniffled and sighed, trying to suppress the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. Luke had swept into my life like a whirlwind nine months ago. We had hit it off right away, kindred spirits, or so I thought. Now, I wasn’t so sure. So stupid. All of it. I was naive and stupid.

“I need to sleep, Erica. I’m sorry,” I said, my voice low and weary. I had been staring at my phone for too long.

“Hannah, call me as soon as you wake up, okay? Okay? Please?” Her worry was palpable.

“Okay, sure, love you.” I hung up before she could answer.

I laid on my bed like a starfish. The cold sheets pressed against my body, grounding me. Luke’s Instagram profile was still up on my phone. His deep brown eyes and long lashes, his curly hair that fell over his forehead, his broad shoulders that made me feel safe , all of it felt like a cruel and evil joke now. Erica had been right from the beginning. He was too good to be true. I had been too smitten to see it.

What’s wrong with me? I wondered, pulling my hair as I fake screamed into my pillow. My heart was still in denial. I needed to confront Luke about his other life, and what seemed to be his soon to be wife from what I could gather on his Instagram. How did he have time for both of us? We met up so often, went on dates, he spent the night here at my place more than not.... Never mind, I thought, I need to sleep before I do anything.

I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, even though I hadn’t been drinking anything last night. Luke’s page was still open on my phone. How am I supposed to tell him I know all of it? And also, who posts stuff like that when the live a double life. It feels like it's bound to happen at some point, that the other partner will figure it out? Maybe he likes the thrill of me finding out? What kid of kink is that?

I thought, trying to roll out of bed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room. My dark brown hair, which I had put up in a bun yesterday, had half slipped off my head and hung like a sad, broken flower. I hadn’t washed my face either, so mascara had smudged around my eyes. I looked like a ghost or a very sad and very tired raccoon. A raccoon with very, very bad hair.

My phone rang as soon as I stood up. Erica.

“Hello,” I said, my voice groggy.

“Did you sleep until now? I’ve been so worried about you because you promised to call me!” She sounded angry, but I could hear the concern underlying her words.

“What? I just woke up! What time is it?” I glanced at my phone. “1 PM?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?” I couldn’t believe I had been asleep for 14 hours. Luckily, I didn’t have any work today.

Erica let out a laugh.

“Do you want me to come over? I can bring some food, and you can tell me about Luke and all about his other life and whatever you need.”

“Please bring spicy food. I need something extra painful,” I said, letting out a small cry before we hung up.

I walked slowly to the bathroom to wash up. I looked like seven years of hell. Just like I did when I realized my ex, Aaron, was cheating on me with that curvy redhead with the most perky, gorgeous breasts I had ever seen. Of course, he slept with her, I thought then. I would too if I were with me. I never really got that puberty boom. I held my hands over my eyes trying to press them into my eyes making the memories fade away from my vision. My hands fell to my flat chest and I sighed loudly. Of course he chose her, this body couldn't even compete with a flat board.

I was so, so envious. A bad trait, I know, but... I never really felt sexy, and maybe the guys never thought I was either. At least I always interpreted it like that.

But Luke always told me he liked my slim figure, and that he was more of an ass guy than a boob guy. Telling from his page, that was a mild lie. And why would he even tell me that? like that would make me feel better, it only confirmed my body image... I was always a great friend they said, that they could also have sex with and call their girlfriend for a short while until they found a real woman. A real woman... I had prayed to the universe so many times to make me more woman like. "Please, please, please universe, give me perky beautiful breasts" i recited as I squeezed my eyes shut. But... It just wasn’t in my plan, I guess. “Accept and move on, accept and move on,” I repeated to myself as I stepped into the shower.