Love, I guess

“What are you even doing? Are you listening to me?” Erica’s voice crackled through the phone.

Erica and I had been friends for what felt like a lifetime. We grew up on the same street, just a few houses apart. We used to ride our bikes, go to the store to look at all the sweets, and sometimes buy ourselves ice cream when we had some spare change. She was the best friend anyone could ask for—we just matched, from the very beginning.

She sighed at me on the phone. “Hello, earth to Hannah, are you still there?”

She sighed, pulling me back to the present. Once again she said, “Hello, Earth to Hannah, are you still there?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry...” I replied, my voice trailing off. I was scrolling through pictures on what I assumed was Luke’s “real” Instagram page, the one he had hidden from me. Hundreds of pictures, with people I had never seen before. A whole other life.

“I’ve tried to tell you about seventy-five billion times that he was a little too good to be true. Like, there was something else going on,” Erica’s voice rose with frustration.

I knew she wasn’t Luke’s biggest fan and never really trusted him, but you know. Love, I guess... I was blind. I sniffled and sighed, trying to suppress the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. Luke had swept into my life like a whirlwind nine months ago. We had hit it off right away, kindred spirits—or so I thought. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

“I need to sleep, Erica. I’m sorry,” I said, my voice low and weary. I had been staring at my phone for too long.

“Hannah, call me as soon as you wake up, okay? Okay? Please?” Her worry was palpable.

“Okay, sure, love you.” I hung up before she could answer.

I laid on my bed like a starfish. The cold sheets pressed against my body, grounding me. Luke’s Instagram profile was still up on my phone. His deep brown eyes and long lashes, his curly hair that fell over his forehead, his broad shoulders that made me feel safe—all of it felt like a cruel and evil joke now. Erica had been right from the beginning. He was too good to be true. I had been too smitten to see it.

What’s wrong with me? I wondered, pulling my hair as I fake-screamed into my pillow. My heart was still in denial. I needed to confront Luke about his other life, and what seemed to be his soon-to-be wife from what I could gather on his Instagram. How did he have time for both of us? Never mind, I thought, I need to sleep before I do anything.

I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, even though I hadn’t drunk anything last night. Luke’s page was still open on my phone. How am I supposed to tell him I know all of it? I thought, trying to roll out of bed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room. My dark brown hair, which I had put up in a bun yesterday, had half slipped off my head and hung like a sad, broken flower. I hadn’t washed my face either, so mascara had smudged around my eyes. I looked like a ghost or a very sad and very tired raccoon. A raccoon with very, very bad hair.

My phone rang as soon as I stood up. Erica.

“Hello,” I said, my voice groggy.

“Did you sleep until now? I’ve been so worried about you because you promised to call me!” She sounded angry, but I could hear the concern underlying her words.

“What? I just woke up! What time is it?” I glanced at my phone. “1 PM?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?” I couldn’t believe I had been asleep for 14 hours. Luckily, I didn’t have any work today.

Erica let out a laugh.

“Do you want me to come over? I can bring some food, and you can tell me about Luke and all about his other life.”

“Please bring spicy food. I need something painful,” I said, letting out a small cry before we hung up.

I walked slowly to the bathroom to wash up. I looked like seven years of hell. Just like I did when I realized my ex, Aaron, was cheating on me with that curvy redhead with the most perky, gorgeous breasts I had ever seen. Of course, he slept with her, I thought then. I would too if I were with me. I never really got that puberty boom. I held my hands over my eyes trying to press them into my eyes making the memories fade away from my vision.

I was so, so envious. A bad trait, I know, but... I never really felt sexy, and maybe the guys never thought I was either. Luke always told me he liked my slim figure, and that he was more of an ass-guy than a boob-guy. Telling from his page, that was a mild lie. And why would he even tell me that? like that would make me feel better, it only confirmed my body image... I was a great friend they could also have sex with and call their girlfriend for a short while until they found a real woman. A real woman... I had prayed to the universe so many times to make me more woman-like. It just wasn’t in my plan, I guess. “Accept and move on, accept and move on,” I repeated to myself as I stepped into the shower.