Eva’s Dilemma

Eva noticed the eyes of the other patrons of the restaurant lingering on her and immediately regretted her choice in evening wear. Her fingers trembled slightly as they fidgeted with the thin straps of her low cut dress. The initial euphoria that had consumed her, when she had stared at her reflection was nowhere to be found. It was funny, really, how quickly she had gone from feeling beautiful to hideous.

If she was honest with herself she would have to admit that it served her right. She should feel like this, since she shouldn’t be here to begin with. Her life was in shambles. The last thing she should be doing was go on a date. But her twisted mind had convinced her that she needed this. That this would solve issues she had always been too scared to utter out loud and examine in the light of day. Like a heavy, terribly itchy blanket they kept her warm and in pain at night.

Sometimes Eva wondered if it was always going to be like that. Her suffering in silence. Isolated in her misery until eventually she wilted away like bruised rose petals, that had never been granted the chance to bloom fully. Earnestly. Their wounds casting an ugly shadow on their anticipated beauty.

Her heart felt incredibly heavy as the gloominess of her thoughts saturated her mind and threatened to swallow her whole, when a deep voice calling out to her pierced the darkness and filled it with blinding light, “Eva?”

Smiling hazel eyes found her brown ones, fluttering around her irises like colourful leaves whisked away by autumn wind. With that same brightly tinged intensity those eyes sank deeper and deeper into Eva’s. Curling around hers like a lovers embrace. Fiercely and passionately they sought and conquered everything in their golden wake. Serendipitously, soothing a sadness they weren’t familiar with.

Eva was too stunned to look away and too disarmed to mask her breathless cadence. “You’re Benjamin?”

“Ben.” He smiled a brilliant smile, as he held out his hand in greeting. “Nice to finally meet you.”

His smile and voice were disconcerting, but it was his eyes that made Eva feel completely and utterly off kilter. She was glad to have an excuse to break eye contact. Desperately needing a respite from his gaze to get her wits about her. Although she worried that touching him might have a similar effect on her.

With a mixture of fear and delight she closely studied the thick veins running down the back of his palm, which were interwoven with dark glittering ink, that curled up his wrist and disappeared beneath his dress shirt. She wondered how much of his arm was covered. Perhaps it even stretched across his entire body.

“Is something wrong with my hand?” Ben studied her carefully.

Heat licked at her cheeks as her eyes snapped back to his face. The light had dimmed from his gaze, an unreadable expression replacing it.

“I’m so sorry.” Reluctantly Eva shook his hand and to her never ending shame flinched at the force of electricity coursing through her body as his hand enveloped hers. “Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s really nice meeting you too.”

°°°

Ben’s fingers danced across the tablecloth. Just like Eva, he too, appeared to be riveted by the pace of their movement, which varied in intensity and made for an elegant display of his sinewy hand.

“Kenny mentioned that you recently moved back. How’s that been?” He suddenly asked. His fingers stilling for only a second.

“Good.” Eva murmured. Taking another bite of her shrimp risotto.

“Yeah?” His eyes practically burrowed into her, urging her to say something, anything, that would make all of this less painful.

But Eva didn’t budge, like she hadn’t all evening. “Yeah. Good.”

Ben downed his water, wiped his mouth and placed the napkin on top of his empty plate. “This isn’t going to work, is it?”

“No,” Eva answered matter of factly.

He acknowledged the singular word with a sharp nod, which resulted in his auburn hair spilling across his forehead. With what seemed to be practiced ease he smoothed it back and then proceeded to motion for their waitress.

“What are you doing? I don’t need you to pay for me!” Eva’s words cut between them like a rusty knife. Slowly and achingly painful as it required the sort of brutally a sharpened knife wouldn’t have. Her eyes colliding with Ben’s for the first time since their initial introduction.

Ben raised a brow at the unbridled hostility in her voice and eyes. And then he laughed. Harsh and abrasive without a speck of joy to be found. And just as suddenly as it began it stopped. His eyes regarded her sharply, while his full lips edged somewhere between a frown and a sneer.

“Is this your ridiculous understanding of feminism? You show up half naked, barely string together three words all evening, are dismissive and rude as hell. And instead of saying a simple ‘Thank You’, you throw a fit, because I’m still willing to foot the bill!?”

A year ago Eva wouldn’t have minded him paying. Frankly, she would have expected him to, but not now. Now the gesture made her feel small and vulnerable in a way she wasn’t comfortable with.

Of course none of that was Ben’s fault. But she held him responsible nonetheless. Held on to her anger as if it were a life line.

Anger felt familiar and safe, unlike whatever it was she had felt before when they had locked eyes. Before their evening had taken a nosedive and she had annoyed someone, who had genuinely seemed sweet. Erased the warmth from his face and replaced it with a harshness his features shouldn’t have been capable of.

“Excuse me?”

“I can’t possibly be the first person to point out your deficient manners.”

“Perhaps if you had been more interesting I wouldn’t have felt the need to dismiss your sorry attempts at a conversation.”

“At least I was making an effort.”

“If you count staring at my breasts as effort, then sure, you made a hell of an effort.”

“I was looking at your face! Trying to catch your eyes, which you would have noticed if you hadn’t been too busy avoiding mine.”

She didn’t have a comeback ready because it was hard to refute the truth, so instead she allowed her eyes to speak for her. She glared at him as he glared right back.

Stared at him as he stared at her, until Eva couldn’t help but notice how much ire transformed Ben’s eyes. They had resembled liquid honey. Now they looked much deeper. Almost smokey. Equal parts green and golden, they shone with a darkened luminosity that reminded her of an evergreen forest ravaged by fire.

She had never played with fire. Had never understood the appeal. Now, however, she had the sudden urge to reach for it. Bask in its warmth and destruction. And just like that she was sucked right back. To the moment from before. She drowned in his gaze as he drowned in hers.

Time stilled as they regarded each other. Looks of disdain slowly transitioned into something else. Their anger and frustration were still very much present, but made more potent by an undercurrent of heat and an intimacy born from it. Cocooning them in a manner they both seemed reluctant to break away from.

Ever so slightly Ben leaned forward. It was so subtle Eva was certain he hadn’t done it deliberately. He couldn’t help but draw closer. Just like her. The intensity of his gaze focused on her lips. Eva’s fingers grasped the tablecloth as she too leaned a little closer. Cautiously, her eyes studied his lips as well, as she absentmindedly licked her suddenly dry ones. The slick movement eliciting a responding, barely suppressed, groan from Ben.

Surprised by the deep sound her eyes found his again. Now, neither green nor gold could be found, both had been swallowed by his enlarged pupils.

His hand reached for hers. Slowly as if asking for permission. Eva’s fingers inched towards his just as slowly. If not more so. Alarm bells ringing persistently within her. Her mind was running amok as it helplessly watched her body respond to his.

Eva could feel his whispered heat, smell the muskiness of his scent each time he leaned forward. Thick and heavy it settled on her, perfuming the air around her and suffocating her soul.

The strength of his long fingers replayed in her mind and made her freeze. Her fingers no longer inched towards his. They lay flat and immobile on the tablecloth. She didn’t want this. Couldn’t want this, but it was already too late.

Ben intertwined their fingers. Carefully. It didn’t matter, his touch still felt unbearable. She flinched and pulled back. Cradling her hand protectively, as if it had been burned by his skin.

Ben studied his hand, the inked one, like he’d never seen it before. Then hers until his gaze reached hers. He searched her eyes for something Eva couldn’t even begin to understand.

There was that expression again. Completely unreadable to her. Then his eyes hardened his jaw even more so. A deep frown etched into his face, as he regarded her with so much contempt she thought she’d choke on it.

Whatever moment they had shared before had well and truly passed. Their waitress appeared. Time jerked back to life and with it Ben came out of his angry stupor.

He retrieved his hand. His eyes immediately slid away from hers to the waitress’. His frown stretching into a faint smile as he gave the pretty blonde his card. And after paying for his half of their meal he headed out of the restaurant without so much as a goodbye or a backwards glance.

Eva’s eyes continued to follow Ben’s silhouette, through the pristine floor to ceiling windows that enclosed the restaurant, as his long strides, presumably, took him to his car. Emotions she shouldn’t examine bubbled up inside of her.

Sighing deeply she reached into her bag, retrieved her card and gave it to the waitress, who looked at her curiously. Not that Eva noticed. She was lost in her thoughts.

Although, she was relieved that Ben had left, there was a minuscule part of her that wished things could have gone differently. But this was for the best. She knew it was.

“Lovers quarrel?” The waitress handed Eva back her card. With an almost motherly look of concern, that belied her youth, she patted Eva’s arm and added conspiratorially, “Been there myself many times.”

“That’s actually not what happened.”

The blonde frowned. Her patting ceased. Now her hand rested on top of Eva’s arm, as if it had forgotten that it had intended to give comfort. “But you are together, right?”

Something in her voice made Eva’s ears perk up. She instantly felt the overwhelming need to lie, but decided against it. “No we’re not.”

Removing her hand completely the blonde quickly fluffed out her golden locks. “Oh good, then you won’t mind me asking him for his number.”

Clearly sympathy was a fleeting emotion. Why were people so disappointing? The other woman technically didn’t do anything wrong, yet, Eva somehow still felt wronged. As irrational as it sounded.

Forcing a smile onto her lips she encouraged, “please, be my guest.”

The blonde didn’t have to be told twice. She rushed outside and managed to catch up to Ben, who to Eva’s surprise still hadn’t entered his SUV but was leaning against it. His gaze firmly fixed on her.

Their eyes connected and held them prisoner for several heartbeats, until the blonde interrupted them by standing in Ben’s direct line of sight. Ensnaring his attention with animated gestures and several flicks of her lustrous hair.

Confused as to why she was watching the amorous display, Eva grabbed her things and rose to her feet. Exiting the restaurant to the rhythm of her racing pulse.

°°°

“Maman I’m back home,” Eva called out cautiously, hoping to be greeted by silence.

She dropped her keys on the multicoloured commode, that had always looked completely out of place in her childhood home. Its imposing breadth was a direct insult to the entry way’s petite frame, while its vibrant vintage design presented a jarring contrast to the soulless entry way halls, that had never been adorned by pictures or paint, that didn’t resemble chalk.

“You left?”

Eva rolled her eyes. Of course her mother hadn’t noticed her absence. She kicked off her kitten heels and put on her house slippers before padding to the living room.

Brown eyes so similar to Eva’s took in the fitted soft blue dress she had donned for the evening. Lingering on the tops of her rounded bosom, before taking in her even rounder hips.

Eva recoiled from her mother’s gaze. Her hands growing damp with every silent second that passed. She fidgeted with her dress and was certain she was ruining the delicate fabric with sweat marks.

When her mother finally spoke the corners of her lips had curled downwards. Resembling daggers impaling brown glowing soil. “Did you go see your father?”

“What?” Eva’s forehead wrinkled in momentary confusion. “No.”

“Don’t lie to me Eva.”

“I’m not. I went on a date.”

“Dressed like that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You look cheap, sweetheart.” Her mother replied calmly, before she turned her back on Eva and focused on the film she had been watching all evening.

°°°

Eva still felt the sting of her mother’s words. Usually she tried to ignore the hurt she inflicted on her so easily. Usually pushed it aside as if it were a pesky gnat. But for some reason tonight she didn’t have the strength to do it. Instead she allowed the words to wash over her like acid.

Again and again until everything that Eva had tried to believe about herself, had been desperate to believe about herself turned into toxic waste and she saw what her mother had seen when she had looked at her. What she always saw when she looked at Eva with cold disdain and even colder disinterest.

Tears streamed down Eva’s face as she looked at her reflection. Her heavy breasts practically spilled out of the low neckline. Her waist slopped into even heavier hips that were barely contained by the dress’ stretchy fabric. She didn’t bother to turn around and asses her rounded buttocks. There was no need to upset herself further, since she had already established that she really did look cheap.

Every obscene curve she posed was on full display for the world to see. Absolutely nothing was left to the imagination. She might as well have been naked. No wonder Ben had insulted her.

Angrily she pulled the skimpy dress over her head and flung it against her mirror with all her might. Her strapless bra and thong shared the same fate.

She put on her robe and then marched to her closet. Her long box braids moving about her back and hips like a lustrous black veil.

Frantically she pulled her clothes off of hangers. Emptied cupboards she had spent hours neatly arranging. By the time she was done she had created a mess. Her clothes were strewn everywhere.

Eva’s brown skin was drenched in sweat as she admired her handiwork. Her room looked like a crime scene. The seedy atmosphere only enhanced by the moonlight that cast its ever watchful gaze through the opening in her curtains.

Her chest rose and fell staccato like. Her breathing loud and harsh in the stillness of night. Eva couldn’t help but wish for her mind to be just as still. Just as beautifully peaceful, but it never was. Running at high speed to chip away at her confidence, as it whispered cruelties into her ear in her mother’s familiar cadence.

A yawn escaped her parted mouth and then her eyes suddenly began to droop. She didn't fight her body's need for rest and simply acquiesced. Physically and mentally exhausted she crawled under her cool sheets.

The sweat, tears and grime of the day lingered on a body, that she cared not to cleanse. She allowed the dirt to fester and drive her insane. Preventing her from falling asleep peacefully. She didn’t mind. Welcomed it even, for she knew there was no rest for the wicked.

°°°

Kenny’s face was slightly tilted. Her slanted eyes narrowed. “This doesn’t look right.”

That was putting it mildly. The cake looked like something you would feed a rabid animal. Eva had known that this would happen if she left Kenny to her own devices. But her friend had insisted on doing it herself, because she was a wife now. Eva didn’t know what that had to do with anything but kept her opinion to herself.

“I told you to stick to the recipe.”

“I tried. I really did, but twenty-six steps for a bloody chocolate cake seemed entirely too excessive.” Kenny’s voice was airy. Amusement coating every syllable, until apparently the severity of her situation dawned on her. Her voice almost seamlessly morphed into a desperate little shrill. “What am I supposed to do now? Rob will be home in less than three hours.”

“Calm down. I’ll be able to bake a replacement cake before he gets here. It won’t be anything elaborate because of the time crunch, but it’ll suffice.” Eva quickly looked through Kenny’s pantry and fridge. “While I work on the batter you’ll have to go to the grocery store. I’m going to need way more butter, icing sugar, eggs and dark chocolate.”

Kenny’s eyes lit up. “You are the best. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Eva barely noticed the double doors to the kitchen close. She was already contemplating whether to first tackle the many dirty dishes Kenny had left all around her spacious kitchen and then concentrate on the cake or do it the other way round.

Since the cake was more urgent she decided to work on that right away. Eva tied her hair into a loose ponytail and rolled up the sleeves of her fitted cardigan then went to the sink and washed her hands thoroughly.

She quickly gathered all of the ingredients and appliances she would need and went to work. Carefully measuring white sugar and butter, before using a whisk to create a fluffy mass. Once she was happy with the consistency she added one egg yolk at a time. Making sure it was adequately incorporated. Then added a dash of vanilla extract and set the bowl aside.

While she allowed Kenny’s KitchenAid to help her whip the egg whites into edible clouds she combined flour, cocoa and espresso powder and slowly poured the dry ingredients into the wet.

She carefully folded in the whipped egg whites, poured the silky batter into rounded baking forms, put them in the oven and set a timer for thirty minutes.

Eva was in the middle of licking the gooey goodness from the bowl, repurposing the spatula as a spoon, when the kitchen door reopened and a deep voice announced, “I got everything.”

She had expected to see Kenny. Sweet, soft spoken, petite Kenny, not the mammoth of a man, whose shoulders seemed to take up the entire door frame.

And so it was not surprising that she screamed like a banshee and dropped the spatula and heavy mixing bowl to the floor. Of course the bowl broke into a million pieces upon impact. And of course Eva’s legs were exposed in a short skirt, and her feet bare.

“Why are you screaming?” Ben looked positively annoyed. His golden eyes gloom and brooding.

“Because you startled me.”

“Your reaction still seems overly dramatic.”

Eva’s eyes narrowed. He had practically ambushed her. Creeped in like a thief at night. He even looked the part, dressed in all black. And then he had the gall to call her dramatic, when his whole attire screamed I’m too cool to wear colour, at the height of summer no less.

“Why are you here?” Eva regarded him, like the intruder he was. “How did you get into the house?”

“I obviously have a key.” Ben looked at her as if she was slow. “And you know why I’m here.” He raised the grocery bag, Eva hadn’t noticed before.

Now she not only noticed the bag but his exposed forearm and the tattoo that adorned it, as well. Just like before Eva was left wondering how much of his body had been inked and what exactly the bold lines and shapes were trying to depict. She felt like Ben was teasing her with tentative glimpses that kept the full picture hidden. First she had been able to see the back of his hand, now his forearm and only his forearm, because his rolled up sleeves didn't allow for more.

“My eyes are up here.”

Eva blushed. Her dark skin fortunately hid her embarrassment. Her gaze shifted to Ben’s face. His auburn brows furrowed over eyes that were murky as if overcast by a golden thunderstorm. He lowered his arm and rolled down the sleeves of the arm she had been staring at, then headed for the kitchen isle.

Eva didn’t know what to make of his behaviour, nor what to make of her pulse quickening as she watched his fast approach. The manner in which he moved, long strides peppered with ill contained strength, was quite the spectacle. An intimidating spectacle, but a spectacle nonetheless.

Eva hadn’t even noticed that she had taken a step back until Ben gruffly called out, “Don’t move! There are shards everywhere. I’ll get a broom.”

He dropped the groceries on the isle and then slipped into the utility closet.

Eva stayed put. If she had been in her right mind, she would have scolded him for walking around with his loafers on. But then again, considering that pieces of porcelain littered the floor she ought to have kept her mouth shut either way.

“Where is Kenny?” She asked once he returned. It was only after she had asked the question that she realised that they hadn’t addressed the elephant in the room. But if he wasn’t going to neither would she. Not that she had ever intended to. Quite the contrary. There was no need for them to revisit the ugly moments from their date.

“She had to pick up Rob’s gift.” Ben frowned. “She said she texted you.”

Eva mulled over his words. Then nodded slowly, “She probably did and I didn’t notice because my phone is on silent.”

“Ah.” Was all he said. His voice mirroring his disinterest in her lengthy response. Ben didn’t seem to want to engage with her more than he had to. Already he was sweeping the floor with the precision of a surgeon. All of his attention completely usurped by the task at hand.

And Eva’s in turn was usurped by him. Everything in her focused on him. Her eyes followed the movement of his silky auburn hair that kept falling into his face. Framing it softly. Almost delicately. It was such a stunning contrast to his angular features and dark mood. Her nose picked up his seductive scent that swirled around her like honeybees.

Eva continued to observe him, not because she wanted to, but because there wasn’t much else to pique her interest at this very moment. She knew Kenny’s kitchen like it was her own, Ben on the other hand was essentially the only foreign presence in the room. So how could she not familiarise herself with him. A more sensible, more noble endeavour she couldn’t think of.

Perhaps noble was the wrong word to describe her wandering eye, but she wasn’t bothered by semantics. She was too busy staring at the man in front of her.

Eva had not realised how the mere act of sweeping was capable of highlighting the male physique to its advantage. The veins in his thick forearms were quite pronounced and with every step he took his linen pants moulded his strong legs to perfection.

He really was a beautiful man Eva thought and then frowned at the thought. She didn’t get the chance to psychoanalyse herself, because the timer went off. Without thinking Eva took a step in the direction of the oven.

“Ouch.” She had pricked her big toe.

“I told you to stop moving!”

His tone rubbed her the wrong way. “I really don’t like how you talk to me. I’m not a child.”

“Then stop acting like one and stand still for more than five seconds.“

He was not only rude and condescending, but apparently deaf too. “Don’t you hear the timer? I have to take the cakes out before they burn.”

“I’ll take them out.” But he didn’t. He continued to sweep away shards, as if he had all the time in the world.

“Get to it already!”

Ben raised his head. His golden eyes twined with hers. They looked pale and sharp. Like honey that had been poured into the freezer. And then he smiled. A terrifying smile that didn’t reach his hardened eyes.

He wouldn’t would he?

Ben must have known that she wouldn’t risk taking another step and jamming more shards into her foot. This one she could have definitely done without. How could something so small hurt so much? But she digressed. She would worry about her foot as soon as she made Ben see reason.

Eva couldn’t gauge his personality. And so just to be on the safe side she reminded him. “The cake isn’t for me it’s for Rob, remember? But if you’d like to explain to Kenny what happened to his birthday cake go ahead and let it burn.”

Ben muttered something under his breath. He quickly set the broom aside and pulled out the cakes.

Or at least that’s what Eva assumed he did based on the clanging that permeated the kitchen. She had already shifted her attention to her foot.

It was bleeding quite a bit. She could even see the small shard sticking out of her big toe. The shard was also heavily drenched in blood. She needed to pull it out, but knew that she’d chicken out. Oh God what was she going to do?

“Let me take a look at your foot.”

Eva looked up. She should have been focused on the First Aid Kit, Ben was holding in his hands, with relief, but instead his gait held her attention. She didn’t think she would ever get used to the strength he exuded and the effect it had on her.

Ben crouched in front of her. “Give me your foot.”

Eva hesitated.

“What now?”

“I’m going to get blood all over your clothes.” Eva murmured even though she knew that had not been the reason she had hesitated.

“They’re black so I reckon I’ll be fine.” He stretched out his hand. “Your foot.”

Eva placed her foot in his hand and immediately felt the need to snatch it back. The need only increased when his other hand slid up her calves to hold her more securely.

“It’s not as deep as I thought it would be.” He put the ball of her foot on his bent knee then opened the First Aid Kit and pulled out tweezers.

Before she knew it he had pulled out the shard. It surprisingly hadn’t hurt. She didn’t know if it was due to his expertise or her being on edge because he was touching her.

It did however hurt a little when he used disinfectant wipes to clean her wound and applied too much pressure when placing the plaster on her abused toe.

“Apparently you do know how to hold still.” A small smile curved his full lips. He looked up from her foot and then suddenly froze. The smile on his lips disappearing in an instant.

It was in that very moment that Eva realised how lascivious her position was. Her foot was still propped up on his knee, giving Ben the perfect vantage point to look up her short skirt, that had ridden up her thick thighs.

She tried to pull her foot out of his grasp only for his hands to tighten. His gaze hadn’t left her core. His golden eyes no longer pale and cold, but gradually increasing in depth and warmth.

Eva felt a corresponding warmth rise inside of her. It however was overpowered by the panic rising in her mind at an even more alarming rate.

She needed Ben to let go of her. Immediately. And so she frantically pushed at his shoulders until he came out of his trance. His fingers slowly released her foot and then his eyes met hers. Fierce and golden they sparkled like the eyes of a hungry wolf. And Eva knew without a shadow of a doubt, that he had seen what she had been desperate to hide.