Once Bitten, Twice Shy

They say that love and marriage are the most important things in life, as well as the afterlife. I disagree.

Once upon a time, when I was just a naïve vampire, I believed that. Now, after being betrayed more times than I can count, I know better.

The only person you can rely on is yourself. Your survival skills, your smarts, that’s what gets you through the day or a decade. Love is overrated.

Love that lasts and flourishes is such a rare thing that in my long life I have only seen it once. I see it in the way Tobias looks at Cecilia, in the way she talks about him. That is true love.

But they are different, they are not mere vampires, they are the descendants of healer blood. That is the stuff of legends, legends which I have refused to believe in for centuries. But now that I know that the stories are true, I want better understand that ancient power, for their sake. Yet, for years I have found nothing but vague tales of awe and admiration.

Why did I, Helen, the biggest skeptic, become a believer? Well, that is the only way that I can explain how they, blood-thirsty vampires, feel so much of the human emotions most of us leave behind. Not only for each other but even for the most undeserving humans.

Since I became a vampire, I think the closest I have been to feel a true connection with someone was when I met Tobias, everything else was a lie. Mind you, I never had any interest in making him my lover, he is too tame for my taste, but there was a sense of kinship between us.

At first, I saw him as just a youngling, someone I could easily control, guide in the direction I wanted him to go. I was wrong.

Instead of becoming a puppet for me to manipulate, he became my friend, something I hadn’t had for a long time.

Before I met him, I had lovers, subordinates and even slaves, but I’ve never had friends. Because of that, I am not sure how to be a good friend to him and Cecilia, the friend they deserve. They are so...different.

It’s often difficult to figure out how to approach them, how to help them. When Cecilia first became a vampire, and I let her kill a human, I thought she would be grateful to me since she slipped up earlier and didn’t have to live in constant fear of hurting someone. She wasn’t grateful. Instead, she was furious with me. I barely managed to get back on their good side.

Then there is Seymour who keeps hanging around us, and yet I don’t trust him. I don’t think I can ever trust him again. He was the closest I came to truly love someone, to have a relatively healthy relationship with someone. Now I can’t help but wonder if it was all a lie.

I wish for nothing more than to run away from him, but I can’t. The Vampire Council might still be after us, and it’s not smart to separate.

I am still the Great Huntress, and I know better than anyone that it is more difficult to hunt when your prey is moving in a group. You need to separate them from the herd.

If they could be separated, then they could be killed one by one. It would be like a walk in the park to pick them off and bleed them dry. That’s what I would do.

That is why I stay. Not for fear that I would die, but that they would since they had no skills to avoid being slaughtered by skillful hunters.

Even though we go on our little feeding sprees together, I don’t trust Seymour. I am always on the watch for the council spies and Seymour’s betrayal. It’s exhausting.

What terrifies me is that Cecilia and Tobias seem to trust him unconditionally.

I know that he saved our lives, well, at least Cecilia’s life, but they don’t realize how easily his mood can shift.

When I first met him, he was kind and gentle to me, although I can’t say that he wasn’t a cold-blooded murderer even then, but still, he was good to me.

Then, suddenly, he threw me away like an empty bag of blood.

Not only did it hurt, but it was also humiliating. I was left because I wasn’t sadistic enough, which speaks volumes about Seymour.

Still, I wish I could believe that he would never betray us, that he was honest when he said he wanted to change. But can a cruel sadist turn a new leaf?

Don’t get me wrong, I love the thrill of the hunt, sinking my teeth into something fresh and vibrant, but I am never too cruel about it. After all, humans never apologize to animals for eating them, they need them for survival, the same is true for us.

Although I thoroughly enjoy the thick delicacy that is blood and the joy of stalking my prey, it doesn’t change the fact that I only drink enough to survive. Still, I am painfully aware that if Tobias ever found out it would end our friendship.

Instead of being honest with my friend, instead of telling him the truth, I keep sneaking out with Seymour. That is why both Tobias and Cecilia believe that Seymour and I are lovers, but although that’s far from the truth that is the lie that I prefer.

At the same time, I am doing my best to learn more about the healers for selfish reasons. I want to have proof that the bloodlust that I and Seymour feel is normal and that Tobias and Cecilia are different, special.

That way, they might stop judging others by the high standards they have set up for self-control that a vampire was allegedly capable of. The hope of being able to do that is keeping me from panicking.

I have spent such a long time by Tobias’ side that I am not sure what I would do if he ever shunned me if he saw me as a monster. Maybe I am a monster, but that’s not all I am. I am not my nature, but neither am I separated from my nature, from my instincts and desires.

Honestly, I’ve been trying so hard to be a good vampire, to drink only bagged blood, or the one Seymour offers us from fancy glasses. It’s not easy.

The problem is that the taste of blood is not all I need. Nourishment is not all I need. I need the excitement of being the Huntress once again. It’s a need deep in my core that I sometimes can’t control. That’s why sometimes, although I try not to kill anyone slip-ups happen.

Then, I cover them up and go on living the life that Tobias and Cecilia want me to live, the one of cold blood, and lack of chase, but soon enough I snap and go back to my old, bloody ways. Still, I am doing my best, that has to count for something, doesn’t it?