To be titled

I struggle to light the cigarette, holding the lighter with both of my hands as an attempt to stop them from trembling so much. I wonder if it's the nerves or if it's the cold that is making me shiver.

He is not answering my calls.

I catch myself accidentally biting the tip of the cigarette.

- It's ruined now...

I mumble. Throwing the bud in the icy sidewalk at the back alley of the bar I work at. I've been trying to stop with this bad habit I've picked up in the last couple of years, so it was the last one I had.

- Shit!

I grab the phone I hid in the pocket of my jeans from under the apron and send him a message again. Please pick up. I stare blankly at all the missed calls and ignored messages in our chat, knowing that in times like these it's best if I just let it go, that it's not the first time he does this. At least that was what Andrea would say.

I rush back inside hoping that focusing on work will keep my mind off of things, but to be honest I haven't been able to take my minds off things for almost 3 years now. Soon it will be the anniversary of her death and I could feel the restlessness coming from the back of my throat. I shake my head in an attempt to shake the thoughts away while I pour beer to the brim of a glass.

- I'm always amazed by how you pour your beer, Liz.

The bar is empty, only three customers are sitting on the counter and one middle aged man sitting alone at the table watching the game on the tv.

- Don't tell the others, Bill, but I only pour for you the best of the beers - I say loudly, while cheekily eyeing the others sitting right next to him.

- Yeah right, I'm pretty sure you told ME the exact same thing just the other day, missy. - growls Henry, staring daggers across to Bill who was sitting by the other side.

Dan, who was sitting in the middle of the three watching the two old man exchange mumbles and grumbles, lets out a loud laugh.

- Well, she can't help it, it's her silver tongue that gets us to come every week.

The place I work at is an old and small bar, hidden in a poorly lit back alley. The old men sitting by the counter come 3 to 5 times a week and enjoy the back and forth that we have, no matter how many times we repeat it.

- I knew you were the only one that understood me, Dan. That's why you're my favorite.

- You say that to everyone. - he answers, shaking his head in disapproval while chuckling

- What can I say? I have a big heart.

I smile. Sometimes I'm amazed at myself as to how I can play this character so well when just a few seconds ago I was swallowing my tears. Sometimes I feel that Andrea was actually the one that was holding me back together and, now that she's gone, I'm broken.

Or losing my mind.

I see the yellow hue of the lights in the ceiling blur slowly as my shift comes to an end. Still no answer from him.

I close down the shop and walk back home, stopping by at a 7 eleven to get another pack of cigarettes. Honestly, it's only a coincidence I started smoking after we started going out. I've had worse boyfriends, and I've only picked up this habit out of spite of Andrea because I knew she would hate it. It's just that after picking it up I just can't seem to stop.

I finally manage to light a cigarette, standing in front of my apartment building.

It's like I can finally take a deep breath.

I kick off the frozen stiff snow at the steps of the door, laughing at the irony of only being able to breathe when I'm smoking something that's supposedly bad for my lungs.

I guess you're already asleep. I'm just letting you know I just got home. Call me tomorrow? Please. I send him.

I lay in the cold pillow and burrow myself into the thick covers laid over the bed. I stare deeply into the darkness of my room.

For some reason it's more reassuring to stare into the nothingness of the pitch black than to close my eyes and let my head fill up with thoughts again.

I just wish I could cry, I'm sure it would make me feel better. But these days I can only manage to cry at silly videos on the internet or old movies.

I wonder why.

I wake up to his call.

- Hey baby, what are you doing tomorrow?

- Hi... Ethan... why didn't you answer my calls yesterday? I was really worried...

- Ah sorry babes, I just didn't look at my phone until I got home and I just passed out, you know how it is... So? Do you want to go to that nice hotel again tomorrow? I was thinking we could order some pizza and chill a little... What do you think?

It's like he didn't even say all the things he said yesterday before ignoring all my messages and calls.

It's not like I was worried out of the blue, you know? He had just told me he was done with me, that I was emotionally unstable and that he thinking blocking me. Then he ignored me up until now. I sigh.

- Okay... I was hoping to meet anyway.

I try to answer without showing any emotion to my voice. I feel a rush now that he's finally back to talking to me, the blood flowing up to my head. But also a bitter taste in my mouth and a sense of defeat that we're acting like nothing ever happened.

- ...Hey, baby? - he says with a sweet voice and I catch myself smiling at its sound.

- Yeah?

- I miss you...

I remember when those words were like fireworks in my stomach, even greater than butterflies.

Now I get this weird feeling like one day he'll just disappear. As if these words can make my fly while there's a weight pulling me down. I shouldn't get too excited.

- Me too. Maybe we can meet earlier so we can spend more time together.

It's not the first time this happens.

When we first started dating, I felt as if I was being really loved for the first time in my life.

When we slept together for the first time I remember suddenly crying quietly thinking I was the happiest I've ever been. It was unreal to think that, knowing that at that time Andrea was already gone.

Slowly it was like I was getting addicted. I was desperate to make him just as happy as he was making me. He had no idea how much he had changed my life.

I would play the song I chose as our soundtrack everyday on my way to work, it felt like seeing spring for the first time. "Now I get it. So THAT'S what I've been missing out my whole life." Everything had started to make sense again.

But maybe I became obsessed? To be honest, I still don't know what triggered it. One week, we were buying matching bracelets. Living the rush of exchanging glances at each other in a room full of our friends, hiding our relationship while wearing couple's accessories.

The next week his attitude changed completely. Like glass shattering in the wall.

He would suddenly say he hated the type of person that I was. That I was living my life carelessly, while HE was working hard, and that he had nobody. That I should never call him again. That he was done with me and done with life. That my feelings were too much. He would criticize me harsher than my other coworkers. He's one of the managers of the place I work at. He would say I was a nuisance, that I was worthless, that I was too clumsy, that everyone I ever loved was disappointed in me.

Then he would say he loves me, that he wants to see me. That I'm the only one who REALLY knows him. And whenever he would say that I could feel the flowers blooming again inside my chest.

To be honest I know there must be something wrong, and that that's not how a normal relationship should be. Every time we're together I feel the guilt pilling up in my stomach. And I realize that it has been already two years of this which terrifies me.

But I just keep going back to those first two months where I was so happy I could cry...

Still, I know in my heart that this is not right. Andrea would never allow something like this.

After a few weeks of us flirting and hanging outside of work, we spent the night together at a fancy hotel and it felt like his name was engraved onto my skin. It shames me to admit it, but was too late to back out now. Nothing could stop me.

Not even finding out - just a week before  - that he was actually married.