Prologue
And the year has almost come and gone. However, CJ is turning 15 and we find our future victor preparing for the most important day of her life. Her quinceañera or Debut. With this comes much planning and preparing and setting everything just perfectly. There should be no mistakes, no errors, no fuckups whatsoever. This day was planned on her actual birthday and even her godparents were getting along for this special day. Six months before her perfect day of going from a child in her Mexican culture before her special mass she was introduced into her family and community as a young woman after her special mass. She has completed those stupid Catechism classes, that taught absolutely nothing about God, Jesus, or the Bible.
And we find our future victor angry, irritated, and saddened.
Dee was the first one to leave the group. She said she’d be back Junior year, as her stepfather was being stationed in Germany for the rest of his tour in the Military. And she was CJ’s best friend out of the others. Dee understood more and accepted the things CJ was not allowed to speak of. But Dee showed an interest in everything that was CJ. Whether it was her short stories, or artistic images of dragons, fairies, elves, and other such magickal creatures.
The others were more into their boyfriends and dating since they were dating upperclassmen. Even Shel had a boyfriend. CJ just couldn’t click in that world. Her plate was full of other things that she had to learn, do, and become. She realized that she was plain and ordinary-looking. She felt like she had nothing that made her stand above the rest.
She was shyer and quieter now that she read a lot more wrote her spells and read her tarot. Her minor spells worked for her and others that she met through the elders. She practiced more on fine-tuning her magickal gifts and strengthening her faith and beliefs whether in the Catholic, Wiccan/Pagan, or Native American religions.
This was an important rite of passage that she was entering. Not only was she becoming a young woman within her community, but soon after her fifteenth birthday she would be introduced as a Curandero, a spiritual, magickal healer, and prophet, and she would also be hit with one major medical issue that was rarely talked about and just beginning to surface.
I’m so fucking proud of CJ! She has come a long way in just under a year. She and spirit are becoming one. Just in case you forgot all about me, It’s Jade.
Once I graduated, I was given the title and position of advising spiritual healer and prophet of my community. So, I’ve been very busy myself, helping those in need. But no matter what this is still CJ’s story. I’m just helping out with getting her thoughts down.
She’s been having some interesting, crazy challenges going on lately. But I’ve always been by her side and will be in our Magickal Realm classroom or meadow, mountainside valley, wherever, I think she’s going to learn the best and be as comfortable as possible. It seems like all these changes start hitting her all at once. But you’ll understand more as this book keeps writing itself to an extent. Sorry in advance, I tend to put my two cents in quite often.
But CJ has become my little sister and we have grown very close; however, we are miles apart. But when I have something new to teach her or just need to answer her questions or shit talk, we can just call each other and say, “Meet up now!” at the same time and we appear within our Magickal Realm space.
I will tell you now this chica right here standing high upon this cliff overlooking a beautiful calm ocean below fears nothing! She pushes her limits just to see how far she can go. Only if I could get her to that that more in the real world. I know she’ll come around eventually. However, with every lesson learned she grows stronger and stronger in her craft. CJ, I must say is fucking amazing! So, I’ve kinda caught you up thus far. I’m already counting down the days until her quince! I’m like the honorable Godmother to her and I will be presenting her with her last doll. I can't wait until she sees what kinda doll I got her. She's gonna love it!
And as if she wasn’t dealing with enough crap, this shit happens!
. Always,
. Jade
#352 Journal #215 December 15
I’ve been doing some thinking about my religious choices, I don’t understand why every Wednesday, I come to this classroom in this Catholic school, to be told and given this schedule for the year that asks for money every week. All I see are $$ signs asking for funds to better understand the teachings of Jesus Christ. Looks like I will be refusing to come back here. And I’ll tell Father exactly this coming Sunday. Besides, it’s bullshit that I have to wake up before 8 am to go to church every Sunday until Catechism classes are done, and by myself! WTF!!!
It’s crazy ludicrous!
What does miniature golf with a $15 fee have to do with the Bible or learning about God and Jesus Christ? Next week $20 or more to go to the movies? I can do this shit anytime with kids, I like. Where is the schedule where we break down the meaning of passages in the Bible to make it more reasonably understandable? This shit reads worse than stereo instructions and I didn’t even use those, with multiple translations! This is what I wanted to learn and give my opinion on and hear what my peers thought! I can see, I’m not going to learn anything but how to consciously be asking for money, we don’t have to do things I can do with peers I would rather enjoy going with and hanging out with!
But then again, mom, momma (gr, and a), and daddy (grandpa) want me to have my quinceanera, Hispanic debut with a church celebration mass of 15 years of my life. It’s a tradition! How about we just do the Church thing? I’ll be talking to dMomy about it. I’ll get him to see my point of view and I’ll get out of it. This is too much. Having to pay for a hall, cater, band, or DJ (both if daddy has his way), a huge elegant four-tier wedding cake, a nice ballroom Cinderella-style dress, and then some type of formal dress, flowers, decorations of purple, black and silver, and limo or chartered bus to drive us 30 kids and four adult chaperones (my uncle, my cousin, and a friend each of theirs), and what happens!?
What is supposed to be a huge special celebration for me, after booking with the Church a year and a half in advance, January 17, gets canceled nine or eleven months after because a bride decided she wanted her wedding on my birthday at the same time, we booked following the damn Church’s rules! I even did the fucked-up Catechism classes that pertained to just doing different social activities that on top of everything else came out to aboits50 for almost a year of s, not including all the deposits that were lost! All because of that brand tch-ass bride! Instead, we had a huge BBQ at Olmos Park with the entire family on both sides! Iand t was a blast staying in the park until way after closing time. Funny, this time everyone I invited showed up!
,
If I would have been able to escape, I would have gone to the Church to give the priest and that bitch bride a huge congratulations on your wedding, you’ll be divorced in about 6 months because he cheats on you tonight with your best friend, the one standing by your side, and a few others. And for me, it would have been a dream that came true. “Good luck! Happy divorce and oh, by the way, your pregnancy test was defective. Your pregnant and it’s not even his!” True story!
Spirit showed me in a dream! Anweren’tom knew the girl’s aunt. So, she confirmed what I dreamt at about the same time I told Mom it would happen. It might have been a bit harsh, but Karma will do as she sees fit, right, and just. We know how Karma works and she’s a force to be reckoned with. I think I thanked her for like two years. My heart was broken! I had stood in all my friends’ quinces, and it was my turn to have the spotlight on me all day long. Being pampered, professional hair and makeup just everything. It was going to be the most important and perfect day for me! And yes, it left a bad taste in my mouth about how quickly they could just write me off by saying, “Well, sweetie, you were just born in the wrong month. Everyone knows that June is brides’ month, and they get what they want!” the Nun in charge of that said. Maybe she didn’t understand what this meant to me. The quinceanera, my turning into a young woman, no longer being a child, because she was white!
How could the Catholic Church turn its back on me and change its beliefs and much of my American Heritage (however, I was born in the United States, and I am as my little brother said and said it best, “I AM AMERICAN MEXICAN! This is my race I am not, have not, and will never be a part of the white race. Then THEY can call me Latina/Chicana/Mexicana!” Either way, they call us other names other words, and derogatory adjectives but eat the same things we do.) traditions I, including the Church in every aspect of our lives, our being, and our pockets it is best to give 25% or more of your hard-earned money. Honestly, what the hell is God needing cash for? He created all of this that surrounds us as a gift, that we eventually destroy and damage beyond repair. Especially liked the way they used the word sacred; Fr. Dean sure made it feel like my first fifteen years of life weren’t to be considered sacred enough for me to have my celeb of action on the day I was truly born and turn into a young woman within the community meant nothing in the eyes of the Church or/and even within God’s eyes!
This is where it gets crazy for a while and even confusing not just for me but for whom, I thought were my true friends. This is when I learned maybe It’s always best to just keep shit inside your head and just pretend everything is all good and okay. Smile now through the pain that consumes you; you can always cry later when no one can hear or ask stupid questions. Because you can’t tell what feeling or emotion is there, your mind is dazed and confused. You may act differently in front of different people. And you’re only 14 wishing you could feel something other than the pain that runs through your veins constantly. But without that pain, you feel like you’re not alive. You become so dependent on it because it’s the only true thing you know what it feels like for sure. While every emotion and feeling is just a blur or a cloud of smoke that surrounds you and blinds you the pain is more welcomed than the other stuff you can’t truly define because pain is just not physical anymore it’s become emotional now and there is NO ESCAPE! So now it becomes your new addiction; because, without the pain, you are lifeless, dead to your being. You need the pain to know that you are breathing and that you are living even though you dream you never existed at all.
That is my entire definition of that little fuckin’ demon called Depression!!
Sorry, this feels like an outta control roller coaster ride! But No hears my cries for help! They must also have deaf eyes and blinded mouths not to see the scars I have created upon myself, just to feel a different kinda pain. Because what consumes me internally burns as hot as flames deep within my being.
They couldn’t handle being me!
This is my vent no it’s time for it to disappear and never resurface here.
As this candle is lit, I ask that this pain be taken from me but if it truly is meant for me to bear, I will fight to live within the light and blessings of what shall come forward through my years.
So Monte It Be!
