All For You

Amala

Tuesday September 30th 2020 was the day that Rowan and I had met each other after sitting next to each other in biology. Who would’ve known that a seating chart would turn into something like this. We had started dating a few weeks after that. There were only ever very few moments in my life that impacted my life. And this will forever be one of those moments. But let’s just start from the beginning. It’s now 2024 and we’re finally seniors. My boyfriend Rowan was just over my house after dropping me off at home after school and he just told me about how he’s planning a special date for us since my birthday is coming up. I’m so utterly excited I can barely contain my emotions; Rowan was always the best and most thoughtful when it came to dates. Our date is planned for tomorrow and I couldn’t be more excited. As I go to lay in my bed tonight, I can’t even think about sleeping right now. All I want to do is be on that date already I cannot contain my excitement right now. I woke up not even realizing I fell asleep but now that I’m awake I remembered about my date with Rowan today! Even though he hasn’t texted me today yet, which is odd for Rowan, especially on a day when we have a date, more importantly a date that he planned. As I’m getting ready for our date, I decided to watch tv and the news was the first thing to come on the tv when I turned it on. I can’t believe my eyes when I see that name and picture on my tv screen… it’s Rowan’s. But this can’t be true. It just can’t be. I just saw him yesterday. It was Rowan’s name and face on the tv, it’s saying he committed suicide last night. That is the last thing Rowan would ever do. I can’t believe what I’m seeing, this cannot be true, it just isn’t possible. All I can do is deny what the tv is saying it must be a lie, it just can’t possibly be true. The only thing I can do is fall to the ground. It wasn’t just a fall, my body completely collapsed on itself because for years Rowan was what my life revolved around and now that’s just been ripped away from me. I can’t breathe as my mother comes running into my room after she heard my body collapse to the floor. She must have seen the news because she seemed to understand what was happening to me. All I can do for the next few days is lay in bed, I can’t even think about going to school and Rowan not being in my home room class with me in the seat next to me. Or AP chemistry without being lab partners anymore and having to find someone else to do my projects with. I could never do that I just can’t I don’t know how much longer I can barely this pain of losing Rowan. How could I ever continue to live my life without him by my side through it all. It has always been Rowan and Amala; it can’t just be Amala now I can’t do it. I just can’t. I need to be with Rowan again I just need to be back with him in his arms and be happy again. I haven’t been able to find any source of happiness since I found out Rowan was dead. I mean how could he just leave me like that, with no warning or anything at all, especially after planning a date for me and everything this was not how I wanted to spend my birthday. I wanted to spend my birthday in his arms and on my date with him but now I must be with him again. I can’t bare this pain of the knowledge that he’s no longer in this world with me anymore. I cannot bare this pain of living my life in this world on this earth without him by my side. I must end my life just like he did and then I can finally be back with him, forever. I know what I must do tonight, I must write my letters for my family and friends that mean most to me and then I must end it all. All of it. Back to a world where Rowan will be right by my side through everything with me forever.

_____________________________

As I’m laying here, I can’t think of anything but how Rowan could possibly do this to himself. Leave all of this behind. Leave us behind. Me behind. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t wrap my head around it at all to the point I can’t even bring myself to answer anyone’s phone calls or text messages. Not even Baren he’s really been trying to get ahold of me since this whole thing happened. I mean everyone has. Rowan’s face is all over the news and everyone’s known life as Rowan and I always being together. But I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. When all I want to do is talk to Rowan. Which can never happen again.