Glass Half Full

Cass POV

Most people believe in either a glass half empty or half full, the best or the worst, but there are so many more ways to look at that than just the two simple outcomes. When has life ever been that simple? It hasn’t or at least mine hasn’t, maybe someone out there has the perfect life we all dream of but as far as I know that’s far from the truth. Those lives only exist in the fairytales or the books we fill our lives with as we age.

I think that’s been my downfall. Believing that the love I read about in stories can one day be mine. I’ll have the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, the kind of guy or girl that will drop everything for me. Do anything for me. I wish that kind of love existed in our dark gray world but it doesn’t. I thought I had that kind of love once. I thought she would do anything for me. I was wrong, how I wish I wasn’t wrong about her but what I thought was love was just control. Control I let her have over me, the way it made me feel was nothing like the fairy tales or the romance books. The way it made me feel didn’t feel me with butterflies but instead sharp knives that sliced me until I bled out. Not being able to move because of the pain. I never want to feel that way again. I will never let anyone treat me like that again and if that means swearing off relationships all together that’s what I’ll do. The books have been able to fill that void just fine, at least this way I don’t have to worry about what happens next because it’s just one chapter away. I can always flip to the next page or put it down when I need a break. That’s the glory of books because in the end it’s not you in the story, it’s not your life that is in the mix. Yeah, I think for now I’ll stick to the books at least they can’t hurt me the way she did.

Maybe that’s why college seems like some magic dream to me. Because I don’t have to stay in that small town anymore. I’m not trapped by the constant reminders of what my life once used to be a few short weeks ago. A few weeks ago I dreaded leaving my town, my family, my friends, her…. But now I couldn’t get out fast enough. It’s as if a magical switch happened that made me realize that college was my final escape. A place I could become a brand new person without anyone questioning it. I could come in with my hair in all the colors of the rainbow and scream from the top of the building and no one would suspect this isn’t something I do everyday because they don’t know me. This might be why I decided at the last minute to chop off my long golden hair into a short dark blunt bob. Definitely not because she used to play with my hair braiding it for hours and telling me she loved it. No, I did it for me to become the person I want to be.. The one that she doesn’t know. A part of me wishes I could transform into this amazing badass who doesn’t need anyone but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. Though I definitely can start standing up for myself and that begins now.

“Sweetie, we’re here are you ready,” my mom asks, snapping me out of my self proclaimed monologue I was having with myself for god knows how long.

“Yeah sorry I guess I just got lost in thought,” I say, closing the book laying on my lap. I stare at the page and realize I was still on the same page I was on when I opened the book over thirty minutes ago. I guess I really get lost, I think to myself as I climb out of the car.

My legs are stiff and antagonizing, screaming at me as I trek out of the car and onto the sidewalk. I somehow got talked into being crammed into the back of my small SUV with all my dorm supplies in it, for the better part of the 20 hour drive. I’m not sure why my mom wanted to only take my car and wanted to fly back the next day when we could have easily just drove two cars down. Something about spending our last moments with their baby girl before they sent her off into the world. I know for a fact she did not act like this when my brother left for college last year, then again he was only thirty minutes from home and I chose a school in a completely different state.

“I still don’t get why you had to go to Maple Ridge when Oklahoma was a fine option,” my dad grumbled as he grabbed boxes out of the car stacking them on the sidewalk.

“Because Dad, OU is great but my entire high school is basically going there plus Graham is already there and I just want a place where no one knows me,” I tell him.

For my whole life, my dad has wanted me to go to OU and cheer for the Sooners but that was never my dream. Sure I loved cheer, it was my life but OU was never going to be the place for me. Too many people that I knew and too many that I didn’t. That’s why Maple Ridge was the perfect choice. I could still cheer on their team and it was a small little college in California, which was hard to come by it felt like.

“Well as long as my princess is happy,” he says, stepping in for a side hug.

“Dad we talked about this, I can’t be called that anymore I’m 18,” I tell him, though deep down I will always love that nickname.

“Okay well Cass you’ll always be my princess,” he tells me, with one of the cheesiest smiles I’ve ever seen him hold.

“Love you dad,” I tell him, “Now let’s get these boxes up to my dorm! I’m on the fifth floor so let’s hope there’s an elevator.” I laugh as I turn around and start walking to the dorms.

Though I don’t turn around fast enough as I bump right into a hard surface that smelled of driftwood and vanilla, a scent you barely smell together but they just work so well at least this time. I look up and am met with two orbs of green pools that look as they go on forever, encompassed with long flowing lashes. “I’m so sorry, I guess I should be more careful,” the words spill out of my mouth before I can think too much and clam up.

“It’s all good, freshman I’m guessing because no one gets this giddy about move-in day,” the most angelic voice I’ve ever heard says. It’s as if every word that escapes her mouth is followed by angelic singing, making it more perfect.

“Is it that obvious,” I say accompanied by my terribly nervous laugh.

“A little but don’t worry it’s cute,” She says a smirk dancing over her lips

Breath I tell myself trying to not overthink the situation, she’s just being nice. I’m not doing this. I can’t.

“I’m Cassandra, Cassie, Cass,” I say, not being able to shut my mouth before uttering all the nicknames that one could give me. Why the fuck am I acting like this.

“Well, nice to meet you Cassandra, Cassie, Cass. I’m Mackenzie but everyone around here just calls me Mack,” she tells me repeating all the names I just gave her. Maybe she is flirting with me, no not today not ever.

“You too Mack,” I say. Before I could stop whatever thought was definitely not happening in my brain, I’m sticking out my hand for a handshake. What a fucking idiot. I just blew whatever this nonexistent thing was happening.

To my surprise though she takes my hand with a smile and shakes it, never breaking eye contact with me once. “Maybe I’ll see you around,” she tells me with the cutest grin I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Yeah, see you around,” I say as I finally break eye contact only to see my parents stare at me with the strangest look on their faces. Mom giddy as hell and dad confused as hell. My two favorite things.

“So who was she,” my mom asks as I catch back up with them.

“Just some girl,” I say hoping they won’t make this a bigger deal than it ever has to be. It was the truth, she was just some girl. Nothing more, nothing less. Like I told myself in the car, romance was meant for fairytales and books not for my life. I can’t take anymore pain trying to search for that love when I was already shown that it doesn’t exist.

“You know it wouldn’t be a bad thing to spread your wings. I mean it’s been three months, you can get back out there,” my mom says, nudging the sleeping bear that I’ve been trying to bury away. The last thing I needed was to be reminded that I was dumped three months ago and it was okay to date other people.

“Sarah, she said it was just a girl,” my dad says, swooping to my rescue before I have a chance to answer.

We spend the rest of the walk and elevator ride in silence as we make my way to my dorm room where my new life awaits me. The rest of the day consisted of tears from my mom, lugging a bunch of boxes to and from the dorm and car, my dad giving me the rundown on boys completely avoiding the girls part (don’t blame him though it can be kind of confusing for a man nearing his 50s), and my mom asking me a hundred time if I’m sure I’m making the right decision.

“Yes mom, I love you and I did enough at dinner. I’m all good here now, enjoy your guys night and have a good flight tomorrow. I’ll be fine,” I tell her as I walk out the dorm building. This goodbye was peering onto a thirty minute long cry fest and I’m not sure how much more I can take before I cry, which I did not want to do.

“Okay I love you and remember we are only one call and flight away,” she tells me as she enters her Uber.

I wave goodbye and head back up to my dorm but not before I catch the scent of a familiar smell. Driftwood and vanilla. Before I realize what I’m doing, I search the hallway for the origin of the smell hoping to see Mack one more time. I know it won’t go anywhere, I won’t let it but it may be nice to just have a friend of someone to fantasize about again. Someone outside my books. Though I can’t locate the smell and continue down the hall to my dorm. My roommate won’t be here till tomorrow so I have the room to myself for one night to just unwind and let my mind wander before they get here. Normally that would be a bad thing, I left with my thoughts a scary place but for once it felt nice to sit in the silence. As if the world around me was just opening up to a peaceful new beginning and I was at the center of it. Maybe I can think about the world as a glass half full with rose colored glasses on. My brain can but my heart can’t. Never again. I can’t take that pain. Even if driftwood and vanilla became my new favorite scent.