Chapter 1
“Shut up. Open your mouth and I’ll make you sorry. I don’t want to hear a word out of your mouth!” Gerald screamed in Ana’s face.
The tears came quickly. He scared her.
She didn’t understand why Mommy had made her come live with him. He was mean and scary. And he hit her. Ana didn’t think he liked her very much.
Mommy didn’t like her very much either.
She was mean too. More when Gerald was home, but even when he wasn’t, she forgot to feed Ana. And if Ana reminded her or said she was hungry, Mommy threw her into the basement room. Ana couldn’t tell time. Even if she could, she didn’t have a clock. So she never knew how long Mommy had left her down there.
She didn’t know what she had done this time to make Gerald angry. She had been cleaning the toilet because Mommy had told her to. If she did what Mommy wanted, maybe she would be happier. Nicer.
It hadn’t worked so far.
But maybe one day.
Ana shook her head. She hadn’t said a word. Gerald had told her not to. He said he never wanted to hear a sound from her unless he asked.
He never did.
“What the fuck did I just say?” he demanded, shoving her hard.
Ana fell backward and struck her head against the edge of the bathtub.
Everything went dark.
And she still hadn’t made a sound.
When Ana opened her eyes again, she was still lying on the bathroom floor.
The light looked different.
Nighttime.
Slowly, she sat up and reached behind her head. Something sticky coated her fingers. Looking around, she saw something red smeared across the bathtub and floor.
She sighed.
Better clean that up before Mommy sees it and gets mad.
But she was too late.
Mommy burst through the bathroom door.
“You still haven’t finished cleaning the bathroom?” she screeched. “You’ve been in here all day! And look at the mess you made! Clean this shit up!”
She slammed the door again, leaving Ana alone.
Ana picked up the cloth she had been using for the counters and mirror, wet it in the bucket, and started wiping up the red stains.
Her head hurt.
She felt dizzy.
More than once, she had to stop and throw up in the toilet.
Not that there was much to throw up.
She hadn’t eaten anything all day.
And it didn’t seem like she would be getting dinner either.
Eventually, the tub and floor looked clean. She rinsed the cloth and watched the water turn pink. Then she poured the dirty water into the tub and refilled the bucket with hot water.
Mommy said she had to use the hottest water possible to make sure the bathroom was perfectly clean.
She also had to use bleach on the toilet, sink, and counter.
Then she wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom at all.
She had to use the bucket in her room.
And she was only allowed to empty it once a day.
Usually at bedtime.
Whenever she was allowed to go to bed.
If all her chores were done.
By the time she finished cleaning, the smell of bleach made her even dizzier.
She emptied the bucket again, rinsed everything, and put it away before carrying the rag downstairs to the laundry room. After dropping it into the dirty rag bucket, she dragged herself to her room.
It was getting harder to see.
Everything was blurry.
Her head hurt.
She just needed to sleep.
Curling up on the thin mattress in the corner of the basement, Ana wrapped herself in her blanket.
She wished she knew who her daddy was.
Or where he was.
Maybe he could come get her.
Except Mommy said he was a terrible and dangerous man who had never loved her and never would.
Mommy said he was evil.
That all he cared about were “his boys.”
The four sons Mommy had before Ana.
Mommy had told her that Daddy had been furious when she was born because she wasn’t a boy, and that was why Mommy had taken her away.
Because he didn’t want her.
But Mommy acted like she didn’t want her either.
Happy birthday, Ana, she thought.
Now she was six.
Maybe this would be the year Daddy came to rescue her.
--
“Wake up, you useless sack of shit.”
Gerald kicked at Ana. She opened her eyes slowly, hoping she was dreaming.
She wasn’t.
She still lay on the thin mattress in the basement with her blanket wrapped around her.
“Come on!” Gerald grunted, yanking her up by the hair.
Ana didn’t make a sound. It hurt, but she didn’t make a sound. Gerald always got angrier when she cried or made noise.
“I have to take your ass to school. So get your shit. I don’t have time for this bullshit.”
Ana looked around her room. Gerald hadn’t touched anything. She quickly grabbed her little cloth bag with her paper and pencils inside.
Gerald dragged her up the stairs.
“Why the fuck do you have to be so slow?” he grumbled as she struggled to put on her shoes.
Her right ankle still hurt. Gerald had tripped her the night before, and the bruise was already turning dark.
Once she had her shoes on, Gerald shoved her out the front door and toward his car.
“Get in.”
Ana climbed into the back seat and curled up on the floor, just like she had always been told to do. Gerald started the car and drove in silence.
“You’re walking home today. Your mother is too busy to come get you, and I can’t be bothered. So suck it up and be home on time.”
He pulled up to the school.
“Now get the fuck out of my car before you stink it up more.”
Ana got out and headed toward the front doors.
Most of the other children left her alone.
Sometimes they stared.
Mostly, they ignored her.
“Good morning, Anastasia,” Ms. Jones said as Ana tried to slip into the classroom unnoticed.
Ana said nothing.
She never did.
Most people didn’t know that she hadn’t spoken since her third birthday. If she made a sound, Gerald beat her.
So she stayed silent.
It didn’t help much.
Gerald always found a reason to hit her.
Or throw her down the basement stairs.
The class began filing in shortly after Ana slipped into her seat.
“Ewww. Stinky Stasia is back!” Evan held his nose dramatically as he passed her desk. His backpack struck the back of her head as he walked by.
“Evan Thompson, enough!” Ms. Jones snapped.
Evan shot Ana a hateful glare. Ana lowered her eyes to her desk. She had never understood why he hated her so much. She had never done anything to him.
The rest of the class wasn’t much better.
Recess was the worst part of the day. Ana dreaded both the morning and afternoon breaks because if her classmates found her on the playground, they would make sure she regretted it. Usually, she tried to hide in the bathrooms, but Ms. Jones had discovered this and insisted that children needed fresh air and time to burn off energy.
Ana didn’t need to burn off energy.
She rarely had any.
“Okay, class,” Ms. Jones said after the second bell rang. “Good morning to you all! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Did anyone do anything fun they want to share?”
Hands shot up all around the room. Ms. Jones called on them one by one. Some students had gone to the movies. Others had visited grandparents or spent time with a parent they only saw on weekends. Some had gone to amusement parks. Others talked excitedly about sleepovers and sports games.
“Anastasia,” Ms. Jones said. “Did you do anything fun this weekend?”
Ana thought that Gerald hadn’t beaten her quite as much.
She simply shook her head.
Ms. Jones gave her a sad little smile before moving on.
Soon the lesson began, and worksheets were passed out. While the rest of the class worked, Ms. Jones quietly made her way to Ana’s desk in the back row and knelt beside her.
“Anastasia,” she whispered, “is it true that today is your birthday?”
Ana gave the slightest nod.
“I thought so. I have something for you. Come see me at lunchtime, okay?”
Ana nodded again, dread settling in her stomach.
Ms. Jones was usually kind, but kindness always came with questions. Questions led to talking. Talking led to phone calls. And phone calls led Gerald to find out.
Gerald always punished her afterward.
Pushing those thoughts aside, Ana returned to her worksheet. The questions were easy. Once she finished, she turned the paper over and began drawing with her pencil stub.
She drew a tiny island with a single tree standing in the middle. Vast ocean surrounded it. Sometimes the water was calm, and sometimes it raged, but the island remained.
The tree remained too.
Hurricanes might tear away its leaves, but they always grew back. Animals that wandered onto the island might claw at its bark, leaving scars, but the tree still grew. The sun might dry it out and bake the earth around its roots, but eventually rain would come again, and the tree would drink deeply and survive.
It always survived.
“Anastasia, that’s a beautiful drawing.”
Ana jumped.
She looked up and realized the classroom was empty.
“The lunch bell rang a couple of minutes ago,” Ms. Jones said softly.
Ana stared down at her lap.
She had missed the bell.
Ms. Jones was going to be angry. She would tell Gerald she hadn’t been paying attention, and then—
“Did you do the worksheet?” Ms. Jones asked.
Ana quickly nodded and handed over the paper.
Ms. Jones scanned the answers and smiled.
“Very good, Anastasia. You got them all right. You should be very proud of yourself.”
Proud?
Ana wasn’t sure anyone had ever said that to her before.
“Now,” Ms. Jones continued with a warm smile, “come to my desk. I have something for you.”
Ana rose quietly from her chair, careful not to let the legs scrape against the floor, and followed Ms. Jones to her desk.
The teacher sat down and opened the bottom drawer. She pulled out a small, brightly coloured gift bag and set it in front of Ana.
Ana didn’t move.
“Go ahead. It’s alright. It’s for you,” Ms. Jones encouraged.
Very slowly, expecting the teacher to snatch it away and laugh at her for believing it had really been meant for her, Ana reached toward the bag. Her fingers brushed the ribbon handles. Ms. Jones only smiled and nodded.
Cautiously, Ana pulled the bag closer and peeked inside.
Coloured pencils.
Drawing pencils.
A new eraser.
And a sketchbook.
She looked up at Ms. Jones in confusion.
“You finish your work so quickly and draw such beautiful pictures,” Ms. Jones said. “I thought maybe your own drawing book and some new pencils would be a nice treat. Happy birthday.”
She smiled warmly.
“Eight years old is a big year. Did you have a party? Did your parents get you anything nice?”
Ana shook her head.
She had gotten a bruised ankle for her birthday.
Ms. Jones frowned.
“Nothing? Well, you had a cake, right? Or maybe you’ll have one tonight?”
Ana shrugged.
There would be no cake.
If she was lucky, she’d be allowed to eat dinner.
Ms. Jones raised an eyebrow.
“Anastasia, did you forget your lunch again today?”
Ana nodded.
The teacher sighed softly. Reaching into her lunch bag, she pulled out an apple and then a small pink box.
“Well, here. You can have my apple. And I got you this.” She pushed them toward Ana.
Ana stayed perfectly still.
“Go on, Ana. They won’t bite,” Ms. Jones said with a smile.
Slowly, Ana picked up the apple and rubbed it against her shirt. It was shiny and firm, not soft and spotted like the nearly rotten apples Gerald occasionally threw her way.
She took a bite.
The sweet juice filled her mouth.
Ana froze.
Surely Ms. Jones would grab it back and hit her for eating it without permission.
Instead, the teacher simply smiled as Ana finished the entire apple.
“It’s good, isn’t it?”
Ana stopped chewing.
Had she put something in it?
Medicine?
Something to make her sick?
“It’s okay, Ana,” Ms. Jones said gently. “Really. Eat up. See what I brought you.”
She pushed the pink box even closer.
Her smile looked kind.
But adults were good actors.
Ana knew that.
After she finished the apple, Ms. Jones held up the trash bin so she could throw away the core.
Ana stared at the box.
Whatever was inside, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
Using her long red-painted nails, Ms. Jones carefully sliced through the strip of tape and opened the lid.
Inside were two cupcakes.
“I didn’t know whether you’d like vanilla or chocolate better, so I got both,” Ms. Jones said. “I thought we could share. You take the one you want and I’ll have the other.”
Ana didn’t move.
Was one poisoned?
She wanted the chocolate cupcake.
But Ms. Jones had once told the class that chocolate was her favourite.
So Ana reached for the vanilla one.
“Oh, you’re taking my favorite one!” Ms. Jones said.
Ana immediately stopped.
She thought chocolate was Ms. Jones’ favourite.
Looking up, she saw laughter sparkling in the teacher’s eyes.
Slowly, Ana changed direction and picked up the chocolate cupcake instead.
Ms. Jones nodded happily and took the vanilla one.
Ana stared at both cupcakes.
What was she supposed to do now?
Ms. Jones peeled off the wrapper and took a bite. A smear of icing ended up on the tip of her nose, but she didn’t seem to notice.
Ana just held her cupcake.
“Go ahead, Ana,” Ms. Jones said. “You can eat it. It’s okay.”
Ana looked at her teacher and pointed to her own nose.
“Oh!” Ms. Jones laughed, wiping away the icing. “Thanks, Ana. I guess I wanted that for leftovers. Imagine if I spent the whole afternoon teaching with vanilla icing on my nose. The class would laugh me right out of the room.”
Her voice sounded bright and happy, like little bells.
Without meaning to, Ana smiled.
Only a little.
Carefully, she licked a tiny bit of icing from her cupcake.
It was sweet.
Sweeter than anything she could remember eating.
And delicious.
Slowly, she ate the rest, making sure not to get any icing on her face.
Ms. Jones smiled at her.
“That was delicious,” she said cheerfully. “Did you enjoy your cupcake?”
Ana nodded.
“I’m glad.”
The teacher took another sip of her coffee and smiled.
“Do you think your parents would be willing to come in for a conference? I’d love to show them how wonderfully you’re doing. And your beautiful drawings.”
Ana quickly shook her head.
They couldn’t see the drawings.
They would want to know where the pencils had come from.
Besides, they didn’t care how she did in school.
“Well, could I send a note home with you asking them to come?”
Ana shook her head even harder.
If she brought home a note, they would assume she had spoken to someone or gotten into trouble.
They wouldn’t read it.
They would punish her first.
And that might be the end of her.
“Well, okay,” Ms. Jones said softly. “Maybe I’ll give them a call.”
Ana’s heart seemed to stop.
That wasn’t better.
But they didn’t always answer the phone.
Maybe they wouldn’t answer.
Maybe.
She shrugged.
“Do you want to go outside for recess?” Ms. Jones asked.
Ana nodded.
Ms. Jones smiled and gestured toward the door.
But Ana didn’t go outside.
Instead, she slipped into the library. Her favourite book was right where she’d left it on the shelf. Taking it carefully, she curled up in her usual corner, hidden from the doors and windows, and lost herself in its pages until the bell rang.
