Her Ghost

There she was again.this time standing in line at the store.I know inside my head its not her but she was the first thought i thought when i smelled a whif of the ladies perfume that cut in ftont of me to stand in line with her friend.Her hair accidentally brushed across my face in her fast paced movement and it took me back to how many times my ex girlfriends hair did the same thing and somehow always found its way to tickle my face in some way or another.

What once was annoying,then familiar,to missed.I could find strands of her hair in the most uncommon of places and once or twice in my food.I wouldnt even be disgusted.i would just smile and point it out to her and we both share a laugh over it.Oh man,what i would do to just find a strand of her hair floating around me anywhere anymore.Ive not in a while now.

I guess such small things such as a girl laughing,cutting line i didnt even know should remind me of my ex girlfriend but it does.Thats not all either.I see her everywhere i go or maybe just wish i did,either way.Its almost as if she is actually a ghost and she haunts me.At night I lie down and get myself comfortable and sometimes almost feel her next to me so vividly that I’ll roll over to hold my arm around her just to grab the empty cold sheets beside me.

Memories of us flash through my head almost constantly when im out driving through town.Even the smallest ones like,remembering we stopped for gas there once and she gave me the cutest pouty face asking for something to drink.

It’s hard for me to sleep anymore because massaging her became my lulliby.To feel the contours and smoothe edges of her body would drift her and I both into sweet dreams.Something in my life happens thats so exciting I cant wait to talk about,she is the first one I go to tell followed by a stabbing pain in my chest instantly remembering I cant.

It doesnt matter how often i try to reach out to her she doesnt speak to me.Its such an unfamiliar feeling that i wish wasnt real.Almost its like she was just a figment of my imagination this whole time and the doctor prescribed me something to get rid of her.Let me be crazy dammit!! I want my forever back.

Yes,thats what we called ourselves instead of boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife,we were eachothers forever.So what is this strange limbo inside our forever where i cant see her,I cant touch her,i cant feel her skin to mine and shes nowhere but everywhere inside my mind?

I dont like this place.i dont like any place that i cant be with her.I cant even eat at certain places or certain foods because I just think of how much she would love it too but shes not there to enjoy it with me.I dread also I might actually run into her,the real her and see her with someone else.My broken heart just cant take that.

My kids ask me if they can call her and I have to tell them shes busy or doesnt have a phone and even though its a lie its better than saying the truth and reminding them like i try to remind myself that shes gone and shes not coming back.

They loved her as much as i did if not more.She would play games with them and run around tickle fighting and laughing and playing toys with them like she was a kid like them.Thats another way she haunts me.I can hear her laugh ftom a memory like those with the kids and picture her smiling face so vividly i can almost manifest her right there in front of me.

Oh God,Id do anything to be holding her in my arms again,loving her and kissing her and staring into the endless ocean of her eyes but i cant.Im not allowed to ever have that again with her.I would be lucky to get a wave my way if she saw me in public.I feel so stupid for how i treated her that made us this way.I worried a lot in the end she would find someone better than me and was actively seeking one just because we were in a hard time and it wasnt passing fast enough.

It hurt her i would even think such things but i would believe it so much so that i would argue and cuss at her like she already did the unthinkable and betrayed our love.Now i know that i was foolish and everytime i treated her like a cheater when she wasnt one it would be a new cut on her heart and she would break more and more,little by little,until she couldnt take it anymore.

Id do anything to travel through time and fix all those times i hurt her and especially the ones where i made her cry.im getting what i deserve right now if you want to really know what its like being haunted by my ex girlfriend.i truly feel like i deserve the undying pain of living this life never knowing or holding her again.

I deserve worse for all the pain i caused through my assumptions.i wish i could just fix it or fix us or at least make sure she’s ok.i wonder that more than anything.i was supposed to be her protector but how can i do that now? How can i look out for her if she doesnt want me to? Truth is i cant.

I try to not think ofher to ease my pain and thats when i think of her the most! If i could convince her i can be a better man for her now because realizing the pain of not having her is so much worse than any “what if” scenario that comes to mind.we can get through this like weve gotten through so much already but the damage is done and it cant be fixed because she doesnt believe it can be i guess.

Its obvious,shes been hurt so much to think we cant undo whats been done but is it really? Ive gotten through and forgave her for things unspeakable but she cant forgive me this time? It makes ny mind wonder out of control sometimes thinking maybe thats not it at all.maybe she did want something better or maybe i really wasnt enough afterall.

If that’s the case then i guess im slightly less sad and can force myself to be happy for her because overall she is an amazing beautiful soul and deserves the best even if its not me.Plus her heaet might not ache as badly as mine does over the loss.

Im glad for her.i say it with a tear in both my eyes.nothing about this makes me feel glad in ny situation.no other female comes close to her in my head and I’ll never find one like her so i font even see the point in trying.so here i am,stuck with her ghost and our memories and nothing but wants and wishes and days so long and undesirable without ger followed by restless nights not being able to hold her.

Her ghost haunts me and it always will because i didnt just lose a girl i lost a piece of my soul and im never gonna get it back.