Prologue
Prologue
:Hermione
I was looking at him with knitted brows. “Severus”
He turned to glance at me from the fire place. He didn’t ask me what by now I was use to his silence and the look in his black obsidian eyes implored me to continue what I had to say.
“I-” I struggled to find the words. I knew what I wanted to say and I wished he would look into my thoughts. But I knew he never would he’d promised at the beginning to never look into them. That they where private and he respected that. As well as trusted me greatly to not need to.
The man in front of me shifted and I drank in his appearance to his pale skin, his lean body , the mass of black waves that fell to his shoulders, in the fire light his skin held a healthy glow to it. To me I had grown to love him, the year with him was perfect. But the secrecy was a whole topic that troubled me.
No one knew, of us, the time we spent or how long. I hadn’t told a soul and neither had he. I was his secret lover, and him mine. But now?
A year later I wanted more, needed more.
“Hermione”
I found myself snap back out of my thoughts and cleared my throat as I sat up and pulled the sheets to cover myself. “I want more” I wanted to sound confident and sure but my voice was soft and cracked.
He didn’t say anything just stood there watching. Silent as ever.
“I want to go places, and see things with you Severus. I want to be able to go out and have you there with me by my side, I want to share tea with you at the cafe, I want to be able to shamelessly tell my friends how I had a great date-” I rambled.
“No” his voice cut me off and I shocked. I’d expected a little resistance.
“Why?” I whispered weakly still shocked. A straight cold no was not what I had thought I would get.
“Hermione” He sounded exasperated as I stood up and pulled on a shirt not paying attention to who’s it was as I crossed my arms.
“Why cant we? I’m 20, no longer a teenager. In a year I will be 21” I demanded to know.
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I cant”
“why cant you?” I demanded as I walked to him. “Why Severus?! Nothing is stopping us, no one is in our way. We can be together without the hiding or the sneaking we can-”
“I said no” I jumped at the force of his words and pushed at his chest.
“I love you” I bite out. “I’m tired of the secrets”
He gripped the tops of my arms. “I cant do that to you”
I frowned up at him. I tell him I love him and he says that? He cant do what to me? Make me happy? “I dont understand”
“Hermione, I am old”
“I dont care how old-” I began.
“Your starting at Hogwarts this year coming up, we wont be able to see each other without people wondering”
“That’s why we should -” He put a finger over my lips.
“I can’t”
I glared at him and shoved at his chest. “You stubborn man!” I screamed as I slapped his chest. “We can, no one would say anything. With all we’ve done for that place, the world? We wouldn’t have to ever worry about what they said.” I pleaded.
I turned sharply stumbling over a shoe and looking for my pants. “We already went over my stubbornness, you find it adorable as you put it” He remarked from behind me and I sent the nearest thing flying at him. He swatted it away.
“I love you”
“Then stop throwing things please?” I launched another book at him.
“Why wont you? I want to go places with you, be seen with you. Do you know the Weasley's are trying to get me to date Charlie?” Another book went spiraling to him and slapped into his chest. His brows where knitted as he looked at me with a deep frown.
He suddenly charged at me and slipped his hands into my hair forcing me to look up. I shivered from the force of his lips crushing mine and the book in my hand fell to the ground and I gripped onto him tightly my nails testing his skin gently. He groaned softly and lifted me up and held me to him before dropping me onto the bed his lips never leaving mine.
I’d never seen him this way. He was always gentle, soft, each move slow and teasing. But now-he was pushing his body into mine till he was another layer the shirt rolled up to my stomach I felt every line of him and couldn’t help but get into the moment as I kissed along his neck feverishly my nails tracing along his sides till I gripped his hips tighter causing him to buck into me.
--
Stretching with a little secret smile as my body protested in all movement muscles in my body ached that I didn’t even realize could, I groaned softly still smiling as I shifted onto my side and felt around the bed with a little pout when I felt the cool sheets. Pulling myself up out of the bed I wrapped the sheet around myself and wandered out of the room and into the study.
He had his back to me, slouched in the chair with a cup half filled in his hand the amber liquid swirling causing the ice to click when it hit the glass.
“Your bags are pack and by the door” He took a drink and I froze mid step realizing what he was saying. “That’s what you had planned right? Leaving after?” He turned slowly and seen my expression.
I dont know what it was, but what I felt I knew was pain, worse then having that word carved into my arm, worse then seeing Harry in Hagrids arms motionless, worse then loosing Fred. My stomach twisted and my heart ached.
His eyes widened ass the pain tightened my heart and caught my breath in my throat. “You wont ever change your mind will you?” I whispered after a long ten minutes of standing there shocked fighting back tears my lips trembling and I’m sure my hands , my knees felt weak almost to weak to hold me up.
His lips thinned. “I suppose not”
I looked away from him and held myself tightly, as if it would stop the rippling pain that was washing over me, the ache in my chest as if I’d ran 5 miles and chugged water to quick after. The painful lump in my throat. I couldn’t find any words.
What he said I had never suspected. I’d thought he would agree after talking, after a little while I had thought I could get him to agree with me and see what I meant.
When I looked up I jumped as I found him an inch away. His eyes where dark, darker then usual but I couldn’t make anything out.
Reaching up he brushed my cheek gently. “Dont -I wont ever be able to give you more” he whispered. “This is all I can give” he spread out his arms to the small room.
I looked around as a tear slipped down my cheek. I didn’t want to have him see me break. I wrapped my arms tighter. “Thats bullshit” I croaked. “You can give more I know you can Severus” I looked up at him. “You just wont try”
He flinched. “I cant-I’m not able to Hermione. Why cant we forget this? I wont ever bring it up we can put it behind us and stay like this” He pleaded cupping my face in his hands. “Please-dont cry” He whispered brushing away the free flowing tears.
“I want more” I wanted the whole thing, a white wedding, the ring, the title, I wanted everyone to know he was mine. “I want a family, the whole thing Severus and I want it with you. I dont want Ronald, I dont want the burrow or the red headed kids” I tried to explain it. “I want three little black haired children pale as snow” I touched his cheeks. “I want-”
“I cant give you that” He took my hands in his and stepped back.
A sob slipped from my lips and my hands shook as I stepped back shaking my head. “I love you”
“I love Lily” I froze instantly like a slap in the face I felt the walls fall down and everything in me shut down as I looked up at him knowing my face was showing my true pain as I suddenly wanted to run. His eyes widened as if he realized what he said and reached for me but I flinched back.
“Dont” I stumbled back with shaking knees. “Dont touch me” I fled to the room and slammed the door behind me as I searched for my keys.
“Hermione I-” I threw a book at him as I found my keys. “I didn’t mean to-” Another book went sailing to him.
I looked up at him through the tears and wild mass of curls. “I was just a bed warmer” I whispered after I locked eyes with him. All this time I’d been foolish enough to think he could have ever cared for me. “I-” I snapped my mouth shut and without thinking I apparated out of his room and into the hallway of my apartment.
