Addiction

Gloria twirled a strand of hair around her finger thoughtfully. "Have you talked to him lately?"

"No, why would I? You're the only one that wants to be my friend," Daegan said bitterly, tossing back his drink and feeling his self-disgust double.

Gloria squinted at him, sighing. "Oh, Daegan, if only you could stop drowning in self-pity and see how much your friends and family love you," she said softly.

"I'm not drowning in self-pity," he snapped, filling his glass back up.

"Benjamin's always been there for you, despite everything going on in his life, he's always been there for your achievements, has he not?" she made him remember.

Graduating from the academy, Benjamin was there. His first ceremony, Benjamin was there. His first medal, Benjamin was there. His mental breakdown? Benjamin was magically there. When he first made the decision to join the narcotics department? Benjamin was there. Benjamin was always there whenever he needed him most it seemed.

"He was always there, running on no sleep and just caffine some days. Looking like he'd been through a fight with the devil others and yet you never asked him how he was doing."

"But... That's not fair," Daegan said weakly. "It was about me all those times."

She narrowed her eyes. "Once upon a time you wouldn't have said that."

He grimaced, tossing back his shot: another layer of self-hatred. "Once upon a time I wouldn't have been sitting in a cheap club tossing back shots after work, but here I am."

Gloria combed her fingers through her hair and sighed heavily, looking away, seemingly done with the conversation.

Daegan took her in, realizing how long it had been since he truly looked at her. Her undereye circles were darker than they were five years ago, her luscious, thick hair wasn't as thick anymore, her skin a shade paler, the corners of her eyes seemed to droop instead of having that happy, upward curve, her lips were thinner and she looked like she had lost weight.

"You don't get lip filler anymore?" he questioned dumbly.

She looked at him. "Hm? No, I'm too old for that."

"Oh... What was going on in his life?" he asked, her words ringing through his mind.

He was always there, despite everything he was going through.

Gloria blinked. "Ask him."

"That feels weird," Daegan muttered. "We're guys, we don't really talk like that."

Gloria rolled her eyes. "Get over yourself, Daegan. Call me when you got yourself figured out." She stood and started to walk away.

"Just gonna walk out of my life like everyone else?" he called.

She turned around and he was taken back by the tears shining in her eyes. "Why should I try and stay when you haven't even tried to show me you want me to? You don't even try and stop people from leaving you, you'd rather whine about them leaving then do anything about it."

He turned away, tossing back his shot as she left and he sighed, going to refill his glass again.

The bartender grabbed it. "Sorry man, you gotta end tonight."

Daegan frowned. "Excuse me? I'm paying."

"You told me your limit when you first started visiting regularly a year ago. Get a move on, buddy."

Daegan got up and left, his mind reeling. How absorbed had he been in his own life and troubles that he didn't even notice those around him anymore? He had been seeing that bartender regularly for a year and he didn't even know his name, much less recognize his face. He didn't even remember setting a limit for himself.

***

He stared at his phone screen, the number seeming to haunt him as he could see it even when he closed his eyes.

His apartment was still dark and freezing cold. Probably because he forgot to pay his electricity bill.

He sighed, slouching further down, his legs splayed out and he pressed call.

There was no answer and he was silent for a moment when it went to voicemail. "Hey, man," he said hoarsely, flinching at the sound of his own voice. "We should catch up sometime." He didn't know what to say, any words he had wanted to speak were stuck in his throat, creating an uncomfortable lump and he swallowed hard, glancing up at the ceiling for a leak when he felt something wet on his cheek. But it wasn't even raining, was it?

Oh. He was crying. He couldn't even remember the last time he cried.

He curled up on the floor, his phone cradled to his chest as he allowed himself to cry for the first time in years. He was feeling so much he almost couldn't feel at all. His emotions were so overwhelming he couldn't even sort through them, he just had to lay there and cry pitifully.