The Monster Within

My grandmother had died... I almost couldn’t believe it. My mother demanded… I mean… requested that I fly to my hometown, Kittery, for the funeral and help go through the house my grandmother had raised me in. I refused at first. Who would want to see the body of someone that you loved? How am I supposed to just watch her lay there, knowing that I will never talk to her again? As a funeral director and mortician myself, I always felt for the families, but I never thought that I would be one of them. How foolish of me, I thought now. I, out of everyone, should know how life can end so quickly. I watch and comfort families daily.

I packed all of my black clothes. Any form of color, even gray, seems traitorous at the moment. I feel like all I am going to see now is black and white, like the shows I watched with her on the weekends. Color makes it seem like brighter days are coming but she is gone... The woman who raised me is gone. The woman who was always there for me is gone. My mother wasn’t always there for me and my dad was never there. Both were gone before I turned two, my mother came back though... for a while at least.

I took a deep breath as I grabbed my bags and head to my door. I had to take two more deep breaths as I left my quaint, blue house behind. I loved my house, it became my haven after college, but I am not sure when I will see it again. I wanted to just hole up in it and never come out. I felt like I might never actually see it again. Almost like I was never going to be safe again. I took one last look, saying goodbye silently before I stepped into my taxi.

The ride to the airport was quicker than I wanted. However, security at the airport wasn’t as quick. Leaving the airport and just going home, flashed through my mind pretty often as I sat waiting for my plane. I didn’t leave though, my grandmother deserved better than that. She deserved for me to be there. The flight attendant called for boarding. I packed up my book and slowly made my way there, hoping that if I took my time I wouldn’t have to get on the plane. Like I would get a call saying my grandmother was alive and it was just a misunderstanding. However, I knew if that was truly the case I would be eager to get on the plane to see her. Soon enough though, it was my turn to board, the flight attendant gave me a polite but empty smile as she scanned my ticket. My seat was way in the back, so I had to walk past mothers with kids, businessmen trying to get their last five minutes of phone time, and newlyweds who were cooing together with their heads close together. When I got close to my seat, I saw I was seated next to a handsome older man. I smile politely as I squeeze past him to get to my window seat. I might have even muttered an excuse but I didn’t quite remember as my mind ran in circles. The plane wasn’t the biggest I had ever been on but it wasn’t the smallest so it was just two seats on each side of the aisle.

“So we are seatmates, huh,” he says with a smile. “I’m Joseph.”

I keep my smile and say, “I’m Madeline.” I pull out my book from my red carry-on as a cue that I don’t want to talk.

Joseph couldn’t take a hint. “So are you flying for business or pleasure?”

He must be lonely, I thought before responding “Neither, I am going to a funeral for my grandmother.” I take my dark hair out of my bun, hoping that this will be the one thing that makes Joseph realize that I don’t want to talk.

Joseph still kept trying to get me to talk to him, I couldn’t blame him, as the man and woman across from us couldn’t seem to separate their lips from each other. I tried to just ignore him but I could hear my grandmother’s voice in my ear. My grandmother taught me better. I finally give up and put away my book. He seemed to perk up as I started giving him more than just short answers.

I was right, I thought. He was lonely. It made me wonder. Did he have kids? What about grandchildren? Who would be at his funeral when he died? It is so much easier to think about and even deal with death when it isn’t anyone you know or love. My mentor tells me that I will eventually become so desensitized that it won’t matter who I am working on. Would I become like the flight attendant? Empty smiles, just to stay polite? Platitudes that don’t mean anything but are just used to make it seem like I am trying to comfort families in pain.

Joseph put his hand on my arm and shook me from my morbid thoughts. A different flight attendant offered us drinks, with an empty smile, seeing us as just another set of people. I don’t want to be like them, I thought before grabbing my coke from the flight attendant and turning back to my conversation with Joseph. He reminded me of my grandfather who had died before I was born. Not in looks but in how my grandmother described the love of her life. Your grandfather could make friends with the guards at Buckingham Palace, she used to say. Joseph had the same kind of energy.

It was just small talk, not much concentration on my part which made it easy for my mind to wander. I did try to put in more effort. Not only to be polite but to keep those dark thoughts away. I would peek at the little airplane on the map on the back of the seat in front of me. We would be there soon. I almost couldn’t wait. I had two layovers still to deal with. I wouldn’t be getting into my hometown till late. On the bright side, I might be too tired from traveling so I might finally get a peaceful night’s sleep since I got the call about my grandmother.

“You seem to have a dark heart,” Joseph said, catching me off guard. My expression must have shown it too because he gave me a gentle smile, full of sympathy. “I don’t think it’s just about the funeral but that doesn’t help.” He placed his hand on mine, once again. “My wife would say your spirit was hurt, which is more than feeling the loss of someone close to you.”

“My spirit,” I laugh in disbelief. Now wondering if maybe I should have just ignored him and stuck with my book. He seemed a little crazy now.

“Yes, your spirit. She never really said what that was but boy, she never was wrong. I don’t think I am wrong this time.” A secret, melancholy smile played on his face.

“Where is your wife now,” I ask, almost wanting to hurt him in return. The seat belt sign and the announcement that we were going to be landing shortly seemed to interrupt him, even though he never opened his mouth but his startling blue eyes, never left my darker blue eyes.

He smiled, almost bitterly, “She died quite a while ago. We were just married and bought the hotel. She was murdered by some kind of animal and I don’t mean one that lives in the woods either. Never caught anyone either.”

I am not sure whether the way that my stomach jumped into my throat was because of the decline of the plane or the look of malevolent despair on his face. I knew it wasn’t aimed at me but I was still a little scared. The old sayings, that you never know what anyone is capable of and anyone can be a murderer if you push them far enough, popped into my head. That nice older man could become a killer if he came across the murderer of his late wife. I tried to swallow my dread and paste the smile that I used with grieving families but it felt funny on my face. Almost like I was trying to do it with a mouth full of marbles. Distorted and unsettling.

His smile shifted back to normal once again and patted my hand reassuringly. “Now, a pretty young thing, like you shouldn’t be bothered by an old man’s past. You have your whole life to look forward to.”

I smiled back a bit more cheerfully. “I don’t mind listening to your past. That’s my favorite part of my job. I love hearing about the people I take care of. I want the family to remember them for who they are instead of a cookie-cutter service.” Believe it or not, I do like my job, just not at this moment. I know more than most of the families that I help exactly what has been done to my grandmother. All my thoughts seem to circle back around to her.

I noticed people start to get their belongings and wait to get out of their seats as others got off the plane. “So where are you going from here,” he asked.

I turn towards him and smile more naturally. “My next flight is to Iowa but I will still be a long way from where I am going. What about you?” Maine would never be home again, especially without her.

“Home is here.” Joseph laughs, “Well, not here but in Utah. I live in a small town not far from here.” I knew earlier he was coming back from a business trip to his hotel. Neither of us was in a rush to join the masses and I had time to wait since I had a long layover. Joseph did start to get up and helped me grab my stuff.

As we both got off the plane, I said an absent-minded goodbye to the older man and made a beeline to the board where flights are listed so I knew which gate to go to. I let out a scream before I even realized it as I saw all of the flights canceled to Iowa. A hand landed on my shoulder and I turned around trying to see who was trying to mess with me. I must have looked crazy to Joseph, who looked at me concerned before looking to the board behind me. “Oh my. Do you have somewhere to go?” He was quiet for a minute and then said, “Silly me. Of course not, you just found out. Well, let’s get you on a flight list to see when you can fly out, and then you can just stay at my hotel as long as you need to.” Joseph pulled me by my elbow, not extremely forceful but not gently either. I felt relieved though, that someone could deal with it. My energy was just tapped for the day. He talked to the ticket woman and got me on a flight three days later. I would barely make it to the funeral but that was alright with me, the less time with my mother the better.

Joseph helped me with all of my luggage and started leading me to his car, a bright red truck that looked like it should have been on a farm. He said the drive wasn’t long but it still seemed extremely long till we got to the hotel.