I want to die in Bermuda

No one knows when to start to write. I only know that some day I will write a book. I also know i want to be a sailor. You know like going where the wind takes you. May be when my sailor days start, and,I am off to the sea I will write when not sailing. You know, Like a hobby. I like to sail all round Africa, down to Madagascar, through shore lines of  cape town and turn up to the South america. I like to sail to the tip of the Bermuda triangle. I wonder if what they say about the thing is true. I want to proof it for myself. I may throw something to the center and see if it is just a myth or a fact. I may use drone with camera and fly it over.  It will be an exiting experience. I will take pictures. I will write about it. I will add the pictures on the story. But that would make my writing scientific journal. Did I tell you? I want to write fiction. I don't mind if it is a true story. I will tell it like it was fiction. I prefer a story based on my experience. Then I will add my imagination to it. It will be filled with adventures, fantasies and exciting things. Adding pictures to the book won't necessaily make it scientific journal. When I was a little boy I had fiction books with pictures. I still remember some of the pictures and the titles too. I think pictures make books memorable.

I imagine me in the picture. Standing on my boat and looking out to the Bermuda triangle. The picture will be a fantastic top view of the whole Atlantic Bermuda sea with me at the far side of the frame. I will be completely fictional. I hope the drone stays up for just enough time for me to take the pictures. I don't imagine the Bermuda be that quick to swallow the drone the moment it hovers over it. I think it will take time, like the water sink in my bath room. But if it is such a gulper like the vaccume sink in our rail coach, i will settle for selfie.

Bermuda will be my last stop, at the end of my sailors days. I will finish my writing there. I will send you my book by internet. After i confirm you get it, i will sail straight to the triangle. I will let you follow the action through live phone camera. I will put it high and far enough to get good angle. You can add the story on the book later. I don't mind if you use pictures too. I will be gone to the other side of Bermuda.

I want to sail all around, write a novel and die in Bermuda. It is quite a hard thing to want for me but it is the only sure thing I know I want. I don't know if it is common with other fortiers but after just a year I hit the number I wondered if my life would end such boringly.

I work hard. I live in a railway maintenance camp. 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week I breath, eat and drink railway. I manage a mechanical maintenance workshop and all the days of the month I think about breakdown and repair of machines and railcars. I used to visit my wife and children once in three to four months. They live in a town 460 kms away from my camp. I traveled there by train. But now we are separated and this three months I haven't visited them.

All my friends are employees here. So I am always around railway men and women. I like working here. I like being a maintenance engineer and I like machines. But I hate that my life feels cyclic and narrow. And I hate that a rail line is just1435mm wide and it made my life feel what it feels now. Narrow very narrow.

Some day in the past few months, while feeling unhappy with my small world of railman and when I was talking with my railman friend, I just had the idea. Words just came to me and said ''I want to be a sailor, buy my boat, sail all round Africa and die in Bermuda''. My friend didn't like my idea. He said it was wild. He said he preffered dying old and surrounded with family. I told him, I didn't say going to Bermuda here and then. After all buying boat and learning sailing would take years.

However, despite his opinion, starting that day I felt good. All my worries about my tight feeling life were somewhat gone. I started getting clarities.  I wonder if wishing to die in someway should make anyone feel different about their life. I also wonder if wishing to die in someway is a normal thing. But it made me think clearly about many things that bothered me.

I had trouble with my emotions. Forexample I didn't know how I feel about my wife. Sometimes I loved her and sometimes I hated her. Most of the time living with her was just a job for me, something I must do. And jobs are some times enjoyable and sometimes tiresome. She was most of the time tiresome. So when she told me never to come home again, I left feeling nothing about it. It was like being fired from your other job. My new job being sailing and dying in Bermuda though I didn't tell her.

I have troubles with my emotions because I am full of pride and shame. I am made in such a way that all my emotions are affected by the two feelings. I was proud she used to love me. I felt ashamed when her love diminished and she started being rude to me. I was not proud of living with her with such behaviour anymore. So when she told me we needed separation, it didn't hurt.

I am sure of loving few people in my entire life. I love my mom. I loved my first girlfriend but I was a teenager then. I still love my mom and my three children. I love my children so much. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts in someway would kill them or hurt them. I am proud of them and I wish I would pass more time with them. But I work and live very far so I always feel so bad. To make things worth and make me feel my worst, I don't web-call them as often as I have to. They mind it but they usually forget.

Sailing and dying in Bermuda is one hell of a job. It needs a strong mind and physique, s desciplined personaility, meticulous thinking and conservative living. I know i have to be conservative and make a scheduled call to my children. The days when I was too emotional to call and beat myself for not calling are now gone. I need to take one step at a time and take what is offered. A scheduled call.

Each day I have to listen them for few minutes, hear to clues that help me know them more. I may have to record and take note. I have to respond to them in ways that show them I love and I care. With that done, I have to impart to them my fatherly obligations; that's letting them focuse on important things; like if they eat good, workout good, read good, study good, behave good, careforthemselves good, help/work around home good, and sleep good.

I used to tell them to go to church and study Bible. But now I rather leave that to their mom.

My sailing and dying in Bermuda mind has no clarity in that sector. All the things I like to say to them are essential for sailing and dying in Bermuda. I need to be strong to sail so I have to diligently workout, be full of knowledge about sailing so i have to read more, desciplined to save money for the boat that asks for me to behave in a certain way, or care for myself. The rest will fall in the space between. But I don't know if I have to pray about it. Do people pray about such things? At least for now I don't feel sure about praying so I let it pass. I put it for later times like when sailing i may encounter a storm and i need a supernatural help.

I love my children and i need to see and talk to them in web cam everyday. When i sail to Bermuda, I want to show them how adventurous their dad is. I bet they would love it. But i won't tell them I am sailing to Bermuda, they will surely want be happy about it and may ask me not to. It will hurt them. So I won't tell them.

Clarity of mind is not the only thing I got from my Sailing to Bermuda plan. I am getting focused. I had problem of loosing objective in many situations. Getting focuse requires knowing what you want and strive to get it. It also requires you to ignore unnecessary things that may divert you from your path.

After separating with my wife I immediately started relation with another railway woman. She is a tall, fair colored and sexy woman. Her husband died few years ago and she was a single parent. Beside her attractive appearance she is a behaved and good mannered person. I was about to fall in love and got into another committment. But my plan ringed the bell and I asked myself if that love would not drain my resources and hinder me from my plan. So I am now working to get a distance from her. I can't afford getting into a relation with unknown outcomes.

I needed to focuse my feelings and my needs. I asked myself what made me get into such trap in first place? Surely needing a companion is a natural thing for my kind who was in marriage for 12 and plus years. But the campanionship need must be optimized if I want me hit my target within sometime and with comfort. I can't be a husband and a father to another family while working to sail to Bermuda to die. That will take my time and my money which I need focused on getting prepared for the Sailing job. Instead I determined to optimize my need for woman as companionship. I only have to want her or any other woman for sex. Beyond that I have no luxury to give or take.

I am not saying getting focused may ask you to sacrifice love. Quite the contrary. I am saying getting focused at early times will protect you from the pain you have to suffer from sacrificing your feelings and love. In my case, i lost focus from the start and let such beautiful thing to grow. And now I have to injure the pain I have from killing it. I think it must have been the loneliness I felt due to the separation from my wife. I didn't thought about it deeply at the time so I gave in to the warmth of love and friendship with such beautiful woman. We had such lengthy romantic talks on phone at night. We enjoyed each other at lunch. She liked me,  I liked her. You should have seen her! How beautiful and graceful she looked walking just beside me. I still remember the jealous stare of our colleagues at restaurants. People gossipped about us. some gave us good wishes. They whispered how lovely we looked. I fell for it. I usually fall for beautiful things. The idea of us was so nice and fulfilling. I almost forgot my Sailing and dying in Bermuda plan. I started talking and thinking about her all dat. She was like a drug.

All of a sudden I was vibrant and happy. The days looked brighter. I was so unhappy for long; i didn't feel that way even with my Bermuda plan, so the feeling was like heroin. It addicted me. I woke up smiling and went to bed smiling. I started taking care of myself. I mind what I dress, how I looked and it was obvious for everyone. Wasn't she a changer?? It was after a full swiftly gone 30 days that I realized the weight of the situation. How deep and far was the hole I was about to jump in. I didn't start writing then so I couldn't tell you. So I couldn't reflect on it. I was just an emotional rollercoaster driving fast and high. She took control of my conscious so wide, I couldn't get space to think of myself and my plan. But my plan strived and the moment I realized how fool I was to think I could get to Bermuda with a life shared with her, I woke up. I was just a human who loved beautiful dreams. But dreams are not real and you need to wake up. So I paused our relation. I stopped meeting her, calling her and I took days before calling her back when she called. And when I call I just told her I was busy. She sensed my cold-feet. I have to let her slip or get her along with my terms but I don't think she will buy it. She needs a full fledged husband. She is a Bermuda of her own sea. But the wrong Bermuda.So I let her go.