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Mental illness is so much more complicated than any pill that any mortal could invent - Elizabeth Wintzel
I woke in the early hours of a cold December day. It was still dark outside, and the frost had coated the windows. My body shivered from the chill as I snuggled further into my thick covers. I was not at all prepared for what the day was going to bring, and I wanted to enjoy the relaxation and comfort of my own bed for a few more minutes.
Today was the day that I, Sigmond Martin, dealt with my problems. Well, one specific problem, my boss. Up to last night, I took whatever my boss handed me and shoved it down my throat like a bitter gulp of straight lemon juice. Not today. Last night, my boss called around 10, drunk and spouting insults. He had told me that he needed me to complete the Nexus project before 9 the next morning.
Any other day, I would have stayed up all night to complete the project. Last night, something snapped within me. It wasn't the insults, though, my boss had taken a liking to implying I was a "gay boy" lately, due to, I'm sure, my single status and lack of a woman on my arm at business parties. It wasn't the unrealistic expectations either. Something in me just shifted.
I could feel the shift, as if that form of me, the one holding on to a place in the company, was a piece of a glacier that I had watched break off and float away - an iceberg in a vast ocean now.
My second alarm sounded, and I pulled myself from my warm cocoon. Like I did every morning, I reached to my bedside table stacked and scattered with paper, books, and pencils and grabbed the medication, popping it in my mouth like candy and took a swig of the week-old water bottle sitting on the same table.
The medication that numbed me. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. On one hand, I didn't feel the sinking depression quite as bad as before. She certainly didn't cross my mind as often anymore, but I felt numb. The world could come to an end, and my reaction would just be a blank stare before my body was blown to bits.
Emilia, my older sister, had encouraged me to seek help 6 months ago. There were times I thought I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, possibly thanks to the medication, but it always seemed to be a freight train headed to knock me back down on my ass. I was tired and numb and wasn't sure if I would ever crawl out of this rivet I was in.
I stood and went directly to the bathroom. After releasing my bladder, I peered at the man looking back at me in the mirror. I was 31, but I could pass as 40, seeming to have aged overnight half a year ago. My eyes were bloodshot, and the stubble on my chin had a tinge of grey in it. My dark hair appeared lighter today with speckles of red within it.
I let out a sigh and started my morning routine. I was halfway through brushing my teeth when I heard the phone ring from my bed in the room across the hall. I glanced in the direction and then returned to the man in the mirror.
I hated the technology that allowed the world to think you were available 24/7. I anticipated the ping of a text once the call forwarded to voicemail. I was right.
I spit out my toothpaste. The white suds mixed with a tinge of pink, making me inspect my gums for a moment. I would need to make a dentist's appointment. It had been a while.
Getting out a new razor, I shaved my peppered stubble. I got into the shower, washing away some of the nerves that had formed since first waking up about my near future encounter.
Finishing with the quick shower, I wiped the condensation from the mirror and saw that it had helped. My eyes weren't as red, and I had gained back a couple of years.
I went to the closet and picked out one of my normal outfits. I didn't feel like getting overly fancy for this event.
After I made myself up and felt a bit more confident, I finished my morning routine with a bowl of cereal in the kitchen and a cup of black coffee.
I had finally got around to checking my phone before heading out the door. I had a moment of guilt flash through as I saw that it had been my mom. She had texted, wanting us to go to church together.
I shot her back a text saying that it sounded good and headed out the door, resignation letter in hand.
In my car, I headed onto the interstate, the radio talk show host was discussing the rising levels of depression and anxiety.
"Because that helps," I said to the radio as if it could hear me and chuckled at the thought. That's just what someone with depression and anxiety wanted, to listen to the radio and be told about their depression and anxiety - the rise of it - and how bad it was. I already felt like a freak. I wasn't the man I was a year ago, I didn't need this stupid radio talk show host to tell me that.
Just as I came to my exit, the car behind sped past me, shaving off the passenger side mirror. I made it to the side of the road where I sat and looked at the piece of mirror in the middle of the exit. Was it worth it to get it? After a few more minutes of catching my breath and pondering, I decided against it and continued to my place of employment.
I was greeted by the receptionist as I walked through the door. "It's a lovely morning, Mr. Marten, isn't it?"
She was one of the prettiest women at the company. She had made several attempts at a date with me over the years, which I reluctantly turned down. I chalked up my boss' belief that I was gay to my refusal to date my receptionist. The fact was, I didn't fraternize with coworkers.
I might ask her out before I leave today, I thought.
"It's a beautiful day." I responded while returning the smile.
As I walked into my boss' office, I felt my confidence grow, my self-assurance increasing with each step towards the door.
I didn't allow myself to stop at the door. I didn't knock, and I didn't acknowledge the secretary trying to get my attention, I just opened it and stepped right through.
There sat my boss with a young woman on his lap.
I smirked as she hopped up to a standing position upon seeing me and placed the folder onto the desk.
"You've got to be kidding me. There is no way that can be the whole Nexus project," my boss said.
"You would be correct."
I could see my boss' face turn red with anger. I wasn't sure if it was due to the rebellion or my sudden assertion.
"That is my letter of resignation. Effective immediately."
Before I turned, I was able to catch the red of my boss' face switch from anger to embarrassment. I then proceeded to walk out of the office, down to the front desk (where I did end up asking the pretty secretary out on a date), and out the doors of the establishment.
As I walked back to my vehicle, I thought of all of the things I had planned to do. High on that to-do list was applying for another job, and I had a few ideas in mind. Higher on the list was to call my big sister.
I grabbed out my phone and clicked her name at the top of my favorites list. I brushed away the memory of the name that used to sit at the top of that same list.
After several rings, the phone went to voicemail. I hung up and pulled up her name from my texts and sent her a message to let her know that I had quit my job and would be visiting her soon.
She texted back right away that she was in a meeting, but she was proud of me, and she would call me after work to plan something.
I was forever grateful for my sister. She was always there for me. She didn't care about what society or our parents thought. She just wanted to see me happy in whatever way that was for me.
I arrived at my vehicle and assessed the side that the mirror had been swiped. Luckily, that was the only damage. With a sigh of relief, I got into the car and headed to fill out job applications.
I realized I could do these online from my home, but the thought seemed to dampen my mood. I didn't want to be a shut-in right now. I wanted to be out talking to people and seeing people's faces.
After getting a stack of applications from various businesses around town, I headed to the mall. I knew I didn't need as many applications as I had gotten. I received job offers at my now, previous job without even applying, but I wanted to have options. I didn't want to be stuck in the same situation as I had been stuck in before.
Arriving at the mall, I went straight for the food court and ordered food from 3 different stalls and sat down to eat and fill out applications. This was my favorite place to eat because I could do this without it seeming weird - eat Chinese, Mexican, and American food while sitting and doing work.
Once my food was gone, my stomach was full, and the majority of the applications were filled out, I threw away my trash and headed back out to my car.
There was a feeling of content; almost completely happy. I tried not to think about heading home and decided to take a walk around the park next to the mall.
Halfway there my phone rang. It was my sister, and I picked it up immediately.
We chatted for over an hour. There were times of laughter, something that I hadn't experienced much of recently. She was proud of me for sticking to my plan and leaving the dump of a job. I was going to go visit her next week and we were going to go to the amusement park with her kids.
As I headed back to the car, crossing the street, phone still at my ear, the impact of the car hitting me killed me instantaneously.
