Intro
I have been married for 10 years and have been a father for the last 16 months. My name is Richard and my wife's name is Grace. Our daughter's name is Chloe. We have been having issues with our sex life as a couple as it took a nose dive 8 years ago when we found it could take a while for us to get pregnant. The main issue that was causing it was due to my low sperm count. My wife tried to keep a record of her period using different methods. We then tried to have sex at the right time by trying a method every two or three months.
In the end, we did IVF, but that didn't work, so we took a break for about two years. During this time it started to affect our Marriage as I was having more flares up. My wife did say about doing couple counselling, but it took a while for me to realise we needed it. So we did and it did help. We both decided that I needed to have someone to help as the counsellor had said it would be best for me to find someone else instead of her. She did try to help me find that person but he wasn't available.
We tried IVF again with a frozen embryo transfer, but that didn't work, and I wasn't there for her because of my own issues that I was dealing with. My issues were with fertility; I hated my job environment, and I wasn't able to treat my wife to evenings out or just having a takeaway. My wife's issues had mainly to do with not having a baby. This is worse as she works in a nursery. As such it reminded her how she didn't have her child.
Then, in 2019, at Christmas time, we went to Pairs to celebrate the new year. The first few days were good but on the third day, I had a massive blowout. We both decided I needed to have counselling for myself to sort out my issues with my Autism and Asperger's. Before it causes us to break up. We found someone for me to talk to. Unbeknown to me my wife had suicidal thoughts. Then COVID-19 arrived and everything changed. This helped by reducing the suicidal thoughts as I was working at home and my wife was furlong.
The counselling I had gone with was helping but it came to a point when it was time for us to do couples counselling. My wife said we couldn't afford it as we going to do full cycling of IVF again. This one seemed to be better, but yet again, it failed. This time, I was there more emotionally but not physically as I couldn’t help out with injections as I was scared of them. We got free counselling sessions and we started seeing a couple's counsellor for a while leading up to and after the failed IVF cycle. This was helpful, but our sexual life still hadn't improved that much. Things were getting better. I was going back into the office. We had decided to try fostering, but as with everything in our marriage, that didn’t work because of my autism and my flares up. This added fuel to the fire as it made me realise that I wasn't a true male, so I started to wear ladies' lingerie when my wife was out. I stopped as my wife was around more. I still had the desire to wear ladies' lingerie. I hate my hair and body. I want to shave it off, but my wife loved my hair chest in the past. I also purchased a chastity cage, but I sent it back. This was one of my desires to be locked in chastity and only let out when my wife allowed me to. But she wasn't into that. I moved on but still had the desire in me. I always felt not worthy to be male and be married.
I was the main cause for my wife having to go through IVF as my spem was weak. I was also a weak-minded person. I couldn’t provide what my wife wanted from me in bed. She wanted me to spank her, and I did spank, but not the amount she wanted. She rarely allowed me to suck her or lick her pussy unless it was washed by her. Plus all of ivf treatment she was going through it made her more uncomfortable with me fuck her. This didn’t help our sex life as it seemed that the universe was laughing at me, saying as your sperm is weak, you should never get to play with her pussy. Before the next ivf cycle, we ran some blood tests ran tests to see if the were any issues with her anti-body. They couldn’t find any reason for it. But they still they would add some lipids to help. We did a frozen embryo transfer and this one worked.
She had to be admitted to the hospital as she had few health issues. The doctors said she might lose the baby. How my brain worked it took me a while for me to accept that she was pregnant. I was struggling with how much sacrifice my wife had to go through to get pregnant. I knew that if my sperm was stronger and not weak then she would have got pregnant a lot earlier. I felt like I was not good enough for her and man enough for her. That is when I started feeling and having the desire to wear ladies' underwear again. She stayed had her sister's place after work as it was easier for her where she worked as it was closer. I had more time to play so I purchased more than just lingerie. I purchased clothes to pose in and then returned them. This went on for a while and then it stopped as she stopped staying over.
In May 2023, she went on maternity leave, and then in June, she gave birth. This was the end of my desires for about 8 months. Unfortunately, Chloe , our daughter,was born via a C-section,and she had to wear a harness for about three months. During that time we had couples counselling for a bit. Then on the day of her harness being removed, I had the worst blowout for a long time. She was scared so she went to her friend's place for the night. I got angry because of not listening to me fully about the car seat. This caused a massive blowout with me hitting myself and the surrounding area. I did it in front of her sister and our little one. That same day we were planning to my parents' place for me to attend counselling for myself. As such we didn’t go. After I realised it was a really stupid thing to get angry about as yet again it was miss understanding.
My dad had asked his counsellor if she could help me connect with my sister. He said he would pay for it. Once I attended the first session I found out it was more about dealing with my autism and Asperger's rather than connecting with my sister. This added one more issue to an already weak marriage. This didn’t work out as the counsellor wasn't the right fit for me.
The first session was to help sort out my flares nothing to do with my sister. The first session I had with the counselling and my sister didn't end well. It made confirming that I was right all my issues were my fault 100%. She basically told me that as I had autism and Asperger I shouldn't explore my past and I should move on. This, to me, was wrong and made me angry. It caused a few flare-ups at home. I did go back for one more session and put down two questions I would like answer to. This session ended after I realised that the counsellor was not right for me as she literally told me off, saying that I shouldn't be angry at my sister, which isn't her fault. I had to end the session as I felt she didn’t understand how felt. I told my dad and that was put on hold for now.
Christmas came just like clockwork I had a blowout again because my parents wanted to leave and presents weren't open. I told my wife that I wanted to have photos of Chloe opening her presents in front of everyone but my parents weren't going to wait. At this point, I was getting annoyed with myself for not thinking to ask my parents when they going. They could have waited for a bit but they were getting tired. I tried to get my feelings across to my wife but they came out wrong. It seemed to her that I was angry at her, but I was more angry at my parents. So that destroyed Chloe's first Christmas. It caused my wife to have a mental break. As such, she didn’t know where she was. The following mornings we were travelling to see her sister in the USA. I had only had one flare when we were away. We came back and decided that we needed to go back to couples counselling.
We did a few sessions with our old counsellor. In the end, we found a sort of free one via church. But my sister's issues were still raw as well, so I went back to the old counsellor that I had attended in 2020. We were doing couples counselling as well me doing my own. In our first session, I said that I didn’t think this marriage would last till the end of the year. I only said it once and I regret not repeating it. We did start getting better at the same time I got a sex therapist and we did two sessions. We didn’t do a third session because my wife believed we covered everything. But we hadn't as I had gone back to crossing dressing. I was ashamed about going back to cross-dressing. She started to work again, so she would normally stay the night at her sister's place, and that is when I would crossdress and play with myself. Now, if I had just stayed with playing with myself on my own, that would have been ok, but I decided to cheat. This was what caused our marriage to break as I was found out.
It happened one Sunday morning when she came out and told me she found out that I had cheated. Unfortunately, like most men, we denied it multiple times. I did tell the truth but it was too late for her as I had broken her trust. I was on flare-up the whole because I knew I had a massive, stupid thing that caused our marriage to come crashing down. She was weeping the whole day. I was crying as well but I was still in flareup. I was hitting myself repeatedly. She then told me she was heading home but I was to stay at my parent's house as she didn't want me around her. She left me. For the next few days, I felt angry at myself for cheating, sad, ashamed and rundown. I had taken the time off from work. I started to think about what I had and the consequences of what I had done. It made me feel that I was right about everything being my fault from my issue with my sister, our marriage and fertility issues.
The first week of us being separate from each other things were said via text. My wife was crying all the time and she still went to work. I took the week off but I am now regretting it. I should just go back to work. I want to fix this to happen she started to look to her own friends for help with our marriage. She didn't want to go to our old couple counsellor she wanted our church friends to help fix her marriage. I was ok with that at first but then started to realise that as they were her friends and not mine they would have their own bias to me. I didn't have any close friends to go to in my time of need. So I only had my parents to talk about it. The first time I spoke to her over the phone she started saying that I would need to fix myself from being as she couldn't be married to a Bisexual guy. She said that people had fixed themself back to be straight but I knew that was not possible as it was not something you could fix.
She was still wanting her church friends to fix our marriage. Plus she said that I would need a mentor who would get me back on the straight path. As well as finding other groups and hobbies that were not my existing hobbies. As well as writing down things that I am grateful for. She asked me to put myself in her shoes to understand what she was going through. I did understand about 80 per cent of how she was feeling. She was feeling sad, angry, upset, broken and I knew she had lost her trust in me. She asked what I would do if she had cheated. I would more likely forgive her as I knew she went outside of the marriage as I couldn't provide what she needed. But I knew that would never happen as she doesn't think like that. I knew that her trust was a big thing. I had broken her trust I knew it may never be healed. When her trust is broken it can either be fixed over a long time or stay broken.
Plus during all this, there was a bump on her breast and she was having tests done on it to see if it was cancer or not. I had a feeling that I had no say in how we should fix our marriage in any shape or form. I was worried that I would make it worse by not doing as says and not saying how I felt. I believe that we should go back to Helen our old counsellor and not use the church friends to help us as I knew we needed to have a trained marriage counsellor to help us out. I knew that wife would say no we can't pay for this and it is best that we go to church for help as that is the only way that would fix her marriage.
So Time would tell if our marriage would fix.
