Connotations

It seems like She has made up her mind. I really wouldn’t want to force her into anything, especially now that She has a good thing going on. Maybe I should move on.

I watched a movie just now and a certain line stuck with me and I am writing this when I should be sleeping considering tomorrow’s exam because I may indeed be “in love with a feeling and not with a person”. And it’s a strong feeling, I’ll tell you that. I am quite confused to be honest and I can’t say that my intuition is helping me and neither do my massive mood swings like the one that led to this writing session. The point is, I keep bumping into clues proving my emotionally unstable nature. Perhaps, after a good night’s rest, I’ll be writing that all this the product of the wine I drunk earlier tonight and that I must win Her back. It does not matter.

The crippling fear of never loving someone as much as I did Her may be holding me back but I must try. And if I meet someone and fall in love again that’s great. And if I or she decides to bail that’s fine. That’s what people do, you know. My manic efforts to fit into stereotypes of behavior with witch I have been bombarded my whole life, have kept me back for far too long.

It won’t be easy, such a drastic change in the way I tackle life. Surely though, after a while I will have become a wiser and stronger individual. The truth is, I love change. I love this endless journey of rediscovering yourself through new ideas or completely different systems of thought. Through the true acquisition of knowledge and by reaching a more profound understanding of the world around you, to be reborn, again and again. It is at times of such mental struggle that I feel best connected my human nature and only then can I truly feel myself grow. I realize now that pain should not be dealt with apathy or by isolating one’s self. Instead it can be considered a means of spiritual evolution as we are pushed to overcome it, to cope with it and find its source. I, for one, embrace pain , knowing that is one of the essential parts of being human. This is my “madness” and I will share it with the rest of the world. Change has become my “intoxicating draught” and I shall never “dash the cup” from my lips!

So, here’s to love and desire. Here’s to friendship and isolation. Here’s to boredom and creativity. Here’s to cherishing happiness and being crushed by pain. Here’s to all things human!