The Dreaming WIllow Tree

The Dreaming Willow Tree

Petra.Y.Cooper

© Copyright<>Petra Y Cooper

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This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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Justification

Realization

Acceptance

Anguish

Phases in and out

The pain echoes in my head

When it finally comes to an end

How do I readjust and slip back into

Society like we didn’t spend eternity

Intertwined

Once upon a time, our bodies were untamed

Wild

And that was the mistake

That was where I was weak

I let you take and take

Feeding even in my wake

I was unable to shake

Forsaking the shapes

The making of who I wanted to be

Now I can’t recognize me

Yet

Yet

I still love you

In the aftershocks

Of the quake of what we shared

Years and years of despair

And my heart still constricts in my chest

I knew it was a risk the moment

We met

And I did it anyway

Lessons learned

Left burned

And I yearn

For the happily ever that will never happen

No forgiveness

No forgetting

No grieving

No closure

Staying put in

Empty Forever

The brutality of my reality

Is exquisitely sweet

The infinite loops

Of unresolved issues

Hiding behind my

Eyelids for decades

I am still ready to face my truth

Rooted in this spot

I will never stop

Escaping to other worlds

When the brutality of my reality

Just wants to drop me headfirst

Drown me in my false sanity

Pools and pools of my emotions

I deep dive in the endless ocean

No no, let me stay asleep

And live out my time

In my fantasies

Even though I might love again

They’ll never get all of me

They’ll get the pieces left by you

Because you shattered me

My first love

My first broken heart

No other love will compare

As we remain worlds apart

No other will ever be able to cause me such despair

No true repair

For my broken pieces

Never seamless

Cracks leaking

A reminder of what we once shared

But I could never forgive you

So, I’ll never heal

I need to always feel this mistake

So, I can never make it again

I will never

Truly

Love again

Not like my first time

I was sent here to escape my fate

My return not accepted

No accepting

Deaths final embrace to release myself

Of this ache

Of my final heartbreak

My heart broken permanently

Pieces fluttering for eternity

At your memories

A reminder to never again

Let it beat for someone else

As you did mine

An eye for an eye

Until the whole world is blind

Vengeance

My only sustenance

If I don’t catch you

In this lifetime

It will be in the next

I’m beyond Vexed

And curse you for

Eternity

To suffer

By my hand

See you in the next

Useless

Useless

Useless

Words in one ear

and out the other

You wrecked

What was mine

Protecting and

Treasuring yours

Things so different

This distance

Made me see

Love for what it truly

Should be

Love is nothing but a useless

Emotion

Leaving us beholden

Tethered

To our deathbeds

Trapped in this realm

Confessions useless

Affection useless

I am useless

Wasted existence

The persistence of the dead

They will finally win

Fighting is useless

I’ve given in

To the void

We are now one

We are no

One

Useless

How do I fix this?

Such a deadly mistress

The chaos of my life

The endless strife

One stuck in my left eye

One in the right

My third eye blind

My pride carried me west

My heart carried me south

My mind carried me north

My pain carried me east

Quartered

Now I’m a mess

From the unrest

Endless

Reckless

Confess my errors

It lands on deaf ears

My

Trepidations

No escape from the

Havoc

I couldn’t protect

My soul

Forever in limbo

Purgatory

Drowning in the River Styx

Not another test

The wickedness

The sweet caress

It’s forever broken

All the words unspoken

There’s no fixing

The undone

There’s no flipping the hourglass

There’s no way into the looking-glass

Just the icy touch

Of what once was

And

What will never be

I’m falling

Falling

Deeper

Near the

Crypt keeper

Time went on without me

I’m standing all alone

When did everyone

Become no one

When did

I fall so far

I can no longer

See the sun

When did I get so for gone

That my heart beats in

A broken rhythm

A pitter patter

I don’t recognize

Who’s eyes

Are those in

The mirror

A reflection

So hollow

Distant

When did I

Go from

Pissed

Resistant

To submissive

Passive

Dismissive

Beaten

Endless paths

Once

Now withered

Down

To six

This is it

I can’t catch my breath

It’s over

Eventually

I’ll stop

Falling

Fingers crossed

If only

It’s surrounding me

Hounding me

The clock

Ticking

The air

Getting thicker

Time moving

Quicker and quicker

I don’t even have the

Strength

To be bitter

I saw my future

When I was ten

Dreams I never

Wanted in my head

I knew

My end

And yet

I gave myself

False hope

I once believed in

Myself

I thought

I would change

It in

My favor

Here I am

Decades later

With no

Savior

My behavior

Got me nowhere

My body bloody

My heart shattered

My mind broken

Left wide open

My soul suffocating

It’s cold

I’ve grown old

And now the hold

On my vision

Has wavered

It’s too late to change

It’s too late

There’s no escape

From father time

I thought

I could make

The tick-tocking mine

I was blind

He’s laughing

In my face

With old age

A breath away

I’m out of time

What did I gain

So, what I am

Wise

What do I do with this

Knowledge

When I can’t turn back the clock

My life no longer mine

Why

Oh

Why

Had no one told me

The one life

I couldn’t save would be mine

You have all the time in the world

What a lie

What an oxymoron

When you realize

The only moron is you

When the world was endless

When you had hope

When your eyes were fresh

When the skies were still blue

And it was all new

What a fool when reality hits

And the clock runs out

00:00

Endless nights

Sleepless nights

Night

After

Night

After

Night

They say if you can’t

Sleep

You’re tapped in another’s

Dreams

Is that

What’s happening to me

They’re so heavy

Weighing me down

When I least expect it

Making me feel

Falsely rested

Night after night

Feeling resentment

Loaded with exasperation

Vexation

Why can’t I sleep?

Mr. Sandman

I’m sorry let

Me dream again

Please

For so long

I wanted nothing

For so long

I slumbered

Deep inside myself

And then

I met you

I was

Finally awake

And I knew

What it is

To feel

To smile

To exist

All I wanted

Was you

And for some time

That’s all I thought about

All that I craved

You made me feel alive

I thought I was finally saved

From that dreaded ache

The loneliness

In my wake

But it was all fake

A mistake

A falsehood

Created by a feeder

All you did was take

Draining me

Until there was nothing left to feed on

And you changed the shape

Of my soul

With everything you stole

Now all I want is

My freedom

I want to sleep again

Thoughts of you no longer

Consuming me

No longer comfort me

I want the nothing again

I want to be unscarred

You didn’t want to be a father

From the start

You lied to my heart

Lying was your art

What a perfect con artist

What a wolf in sheepskin

You don’t even know what a father is

Missing your very own

Taking to my body

Filling my stomach to ignore your empty

Filling me with delusions

Illusions

Of what we were

But you never wanted to be a father

From the start

You just played the strings of my lonely heart

Another skillful art

And I foolishly played my part

No one has ever gotten that far

How could you look into the eyes

Of your

Creations

And walk away without a thought

No hesitation

Let them be your damnation

You never wanted to be a father

And I wish you

Had just been honest

From the start

Now my heart carved out

Into equal parts

Of four

Eight pairs of eyes

Looking into mine

Asking me why

I have no answers

How

How could you be so selfish

Never looking back

I’m sorry my babies

My loves

My heart

I didn’t see it coming

I didn’t see his truth

Now your left bruised

While he remains woundless

He was heartless

Giving us nothing

I’m sorry

I couldn’t provide you with

A full life

Because

He never wanted

To be a father from

The start

And now you’re left

With a broken mother

And a broken heart

Half a mother

And

No father

I’m sorry I failed you

Because he never wanted to be a father

And all I want is to be your mother

But there’s just one thing I can’t give you

And it kills me

And I’m sorry



I’m struggling

I just want to

Rip

Myself out of my skin

I don’t know what’s happening

I am just so

Overwhelmed

With the nothing

I can’t think

I can’t swim

I’m drowning

In the wind

I’m just not meant to win

Everything is spinning

Out of control

I’m falling into another

Blackhole

So much pain

To breathe

I’m too

Weak

I’m too

Meak

I’m being swallowed whole

My arms go limp

I’m tired of this grip

On

emptiness