Chapter 1
**TW: Descriptions of abuse and coercive control in later chapters (*not* between the main LI’s)
There was nothing, no words, no moment of the day where I thought everything would go downhill. But, would it have hurt less if I saw it coming?
My limbs ache as I put my car in park and turn off the engine, pulling my keys out of the ignition while the exhaustion from the day weighs heavily not only on my body but also on my mind. the music I hadn’t even been listening to cuts off and the sudden silence feels slightly relaxing, bringing out a much needed yawn from my lips.
After the sudden thought people might see me just sitting idly in my car breaks whatever spell I were under and I open the car door to the changing sound of birds chirping and leaves fluttering in the nearby trees as the early morning greets me.
I sometimes try and remind myself why I wanted to be a doctor at the end of these long days, the twinge in my neck making me grimace when I bend to lock the door. ‘I love my job, I love my job.’ A small mantra rolls through my mind and honestly, I did but losing people always shook me more than I ever cared to admit and it never lessened over the years.
The image of a warm shower enters my thoughts as the end result of a gruelling 16 hour shift sticks to to every part of me, I swear I can smell the place even though I changed clothes before I left.
Focusing on the future instead of the night’s surgeries, worried patients and endless paperwork I gather myself and head towards the front door of my apartment with almost numb legs. The slow loss of tension to my roots once I free the dark locks from my hairtie feels too good, the stiff waist length curls flopping limply along my neck as I’m unable to hold back my small sigh.
It doesn’t take much of my remaining brain power to unlock the front door, but I stop short for a moment once I pass the threshold with keys in hand. I hesitantly throw my bag onto the nearby couch and it seems to take way too long for my eyes to focus on the sight of boxes scattered around the living room, some open and some sealed shut.
“Hannah? Honey...?” My voice strained from the night before, a confused edge to my tone mixed with the sound of my keys hitting the bowl by the front door.
“What’s going on?”
My fiancée's head pops out of the arch that connects to the kitchen with a wince, her blonde bob catching my attention before I notice the expression on her face, she’s clearly not expecting me and definitely doesn’t look happy to see me either
“Shit, look...” Her registered lowered before she dares to look me in the eye. “Isabelle...I think we need to talk.”
My body shakes a little at the sudden adrenaline rush, fingers tensing into tight curls at my side for a moment before I regain enough of my senses to sit down on the couch.
At first her words makes no sense and I want to push back but I make no move to interrupt her, my heart pounding so loudly in my ears I only catch bits here and there.
A new job she couldn’t turn down? Moving cities? …Leaving me?
I barely catch anything at all but to my misfortune, I don’t miss the important parts, a frown slowly creasing between my brows at how apologetic she seems.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me?” The numbness slowly sinks away from me as the panic begins to rise. Any previous thoughts of the hospital completely gone and I wish I could go back to sitting in my car, go anywhere this wasn’t happening.
“Long distance sucks, but we’ve done different hospitals before a-as interns.” I add, unable to hold back my voice from cracking.
That sliver of hope wraps around my shuddering heart, but the way Hannah fidgets before sitting down next to me doesn’t help it grow.
“I can’t do long distance.” She says with such finality in those familiar blue eyes that it almost kills me.
“But what does that mean?” I reply.
I know exactly what it means, to say it out loud would make it too real and I don’t think I can bare to hear her say it.
‘Dignity and pride be damned’, I think as I reach out to grab her hands in mine with fresh tears stinging the corners of my tired eyes.
Thirty minutes of shouting and pleading later I find myself standing by the closed front door. Hannah is gone and her engagement ring finally finishes it’s spin by my frozen feet.
The sudden quiet wasn’t as relaxing as before, it presses against my ears as I count four breaths in and out of my burning lungs. Four breaths then my legs give way to the hardwood floor, crumbling into myself while agonised sobs wrack my body.
The glint of her ring shines through my bleary eyes and I reach out to clasp it tightly in my palm, cradling the last piece of Hannah I have against my chest.
I don’t remember how I made it through the rest of the day, but somehow I managed to contact the first person my broken heart needed and I shakily called my mother.
*****
The mark on the ceiling looks down at me almost mockingly as I stare up at it from the couch, my mother cleaning and fussing around me but I can’t seem to focus on anything but the ugly mark.
A huff finally reaches my ears.
“I honestly don’t understand how she could choose a job over your relationship.” She tuts once again, nervously cleaning and arranging my emptier living room. A sudden pain twists into my chest as I wonder how many things I’m going to notice are missing and will it hurt like this every time?
“Ten years down the drain! And for what?” Angelina’s previously poised and neat, grey hair almost coming loose with every harsh movement through the room. “You know I never liked her, always thought she was better than us.”
I groan as my temples throb with an incoming headache, slowly sitting up to watch her with a curious look to my gaze. I can’t remember the last time I saw my mother look so frazzled, her working hands and low muttering makes everything too real. I cross my legs under me and the change in position from before causes the tears that pooled in my eyes to slip down my cheeks.
‘I hate this’. My mind whispers, just wishing for something, anything... Maybe silence? Maybe more noise? I don’t know. I just want it to stop.
My chin twitches when more tears pour down my cheeks, a sharp intake of breath and I lift up my trembling arms out towards my mother like a hurt child. I start to sob once more and the sound finally makes her stop when she hears it, rushing over to sit next to me and the feel of her arms wrapping around me halts the constant thoughts for the first time all day.
One arm squeezes my shoulders tightly while the other strokes softly down the back of my knotted hair, the memory and sense of safety and childhood it brings adding to how vulnerable I feel right now.
“It’s okay Isabelle. You’ll get through this, soon you’ll forget why you were ever upset over that dumb woman.” Her words bring out a dry laugh from my parched throat, hot tears dropping onto her t-shirt as I sob into her shoulder.
