Indelible

Taehyung

"Watch out, Hee-Jin!" I hear a shrill female voice, and I turn my head around to see a woman running frantically.

The sun is directly behind her, and the blinding light makes it impossible for me to see her face even when I squint hard. I follow her path with my eyes and realize that she's storming towards a young girl on the bike trail at the left end of the park. She has fallen down on her butt, thrown off her bike that lay a few feet away from her. Upon reaching her, the woman slows down and hunches forward to pick the little girl up on her feet.

Hee-Jin

I smile sadly at the memories the name brings back, trying my best to think of other things—in vain, as always.

Leaning my back on the tree trunk behind me, I stretch my legs out and watch how the woman carefully dusts the girl's knees and goes down on her knees to meet the child's eyes. She then examines her elbows for any other injuries, holds her shoulders very gently, and cups her small chin and jaw with one hand while talking to her in the most tender manner.

A smile pulls at the corner of my lips when I see that the girl is actually unfazed by the fall. However, the woman, most definitely her mother, has just had a massive panic attack, and it is an amusing sight.

After a few more minutes of reassuring, running her hand over the little girl's hair a few times, and offering a few sips of water to the child from a water bottle that she fetched out of her large tote bag, the woman gets back up on her feet. She then picks up the little girl's bike and waits until she resumes riding along with her friends. The child moves on happily, completely oblivious to the fall that happened a few minutes ago.

I observe the girl for a few seconds, but my eyes quickly move back to the woman. She seems a lot more relaxed now as seen from her shoulders that are not so tense anymore. From where she's standing now, I could clearly see her face if she turned around, as opposed to where she was running in from at the beginning.

And just as I keep looking her way, she turns around, instantly bringing the beats of my heart to a screeching halt. My eyes go as wide as saucers, my back lifts off the tree trunk, and as if enchanted by her presence and sudden appearance, I rise from the grassy ground beneath. It feels as if there is this gravity that she possesses, which pulls me to her.

My mouth falls open, and my words fail to form into coherent sentences the moment my eyes fall on her.

Kim Ji-Yeon.

Lady luck seems to be on my side today, fortunately or unfortunately—I do not know yet. But her eyes find me, too, and she freezes on the spot; her eyes wide and her entire body still and stiff.

I, somehow, muster up the courage to take a few steps forward while simultaneously feeling a contrasting mix of emotions piling up rapidly within my chest. Anger, betrayal, longing, regret, and lots of love, as well, begin to bubble up within me, and I'm not sure which of them will manifest first.

But anger shoots up to the top because it was the first emotion I felt when our lives fell apart into different paths twelve years ago.

"Hi, Ji-Yeon," I manage a smile, not entirely sure how I did it though.

"Hi, Taehyung," her eyes stay fixed on mine, and the situation isn't any different with me.

It's truly magical and fascinating how a true love, lost so many years ago, can still make your heart skip a few beats and cause your blood to rush and limbs to tremble.

The last time we saw each other was in this park, the exact same park. But the harsh words and the frayed memories still feel like it all happened yesterday. It still feels like a fever dream—one that feels so vivid yet confusing, and you never know if it was real or just a dream.

"Is that your daughter?" Seriously, that is the first question I ask her after all these years?

But I guess my anger is still seething within, and all the destruction that was directed inward has surely left a heavy residue within me.

"Yeah," she nods her head, lowering her gaze for a brief second before her eyes move back to mine.

"You remembered the name. I'm happy to know," I do not know which part of my brain is phrasing out these sentences because what I truly want to ask her now is how she is doing. But my mouth is already embarking on a journey on the path of revenge, which isn't at all what my heart desires.

"Are you here to mock me?" She snaps back, but never in her history of snapping back has she done it so calmly and emotionlessly.

"No." I confirm. "I just... I remember it, too," my reply makes her shoulders drop.

"I really wish I didn't have any memories of anything at all. It's the only thing I pray for each day." I'm not sure if it's bitterness or anger that she's expressing, but I'm clueless what I did to deserve this amount of hatred from the one girl who I loved with my everything.

"Why do you hate me so much?" I ask her, trying my best to hold back my voice and my tears that might erupt if this conversation goes the wrong way.

"You think I hate you?" Ji-Yeon crosses her arms under her chest and scoffs in disbelief. "Taehyung," she begins, holding her breath and her words back, but within a flash her eyes go glossy, and it shatters my heart into a million pieces.

"Tell me," I demand, taking one step forward and insisting that I deserve a proper answer.

She sighs, exhaling a long breath and closing her fingers into a tight fist before she looks away from me, swallowing her words and her emotions.

The breeze blowing past us makes our clothes ruffle lightly, and I notice how Ji-Yeon is always keeping an eye on her daughter who is happily riding the bike with her friends at a distance.

"How is London treating you?" Her question draws my eyes back to her, and my heart stops beating for a few seconds.

A few months after graduation, I moved to London, and the only thing I was expecting before I left was a goodbye from her. I admit that I was a little petty to even expect a patch-up that would mend our relationship back to normal. I thought she never read my email or probably even blocked my emails just like she blocked my phone number.

But no, she has read my email. She just didn't respond to me, probably knowing that the only thing I wanted back then was a reply email from her. And should I say that I was even a little desperate for that?

She clearly did not want anything to do with me.

"Good. London has been good to me all these years. I'm placed in a great job, I recently bought a home, and I've also been traveling a bit. So London has definitely been good to me," though it isn't my intention, I flaunt the nice aspects of my life proudly, the petty part of me wanting to make her see what she has missed.

Ji-Yeon only smiles softly in response, nodding as she pushes some hair back behind her ears.

"That's good to know. Family?" She asks, still with that soft smile of hers that makes my legs feel a little weak.

"Wife, and a one-year-old daughter," I keep my answer short, burying my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

"Oh, wow! That's awesome." She says, smiling. But this smile does not reach her eyes, and I bet no one knows it better than me.

"You still here?" I ask her, rocking on my heels for no particular reason.

"Here? If you meant this city, then yes. I'm still here," her eyes are on me, and there's so much tiredness in them.

The lively and enchanting eyes of the girl I loved are not with her anymore. But I still love those eyes, and how could I not? They're the pair of eyes that made me fall so hard for her. My first love, and honestly, my only true love.

"Nice. How long do you have?" My anger has evaporated all too quickly, and that's the power she holds over me even after all these years and distance, and even after everything that happened between us.

I feel the rising urge to spend time with her, to just talk and listen. To know how her life is, and how it has been. I want to know if she still thinks about me. Not all the time like I do, but at least at some rare moments. Does she ever think of me? Does she ever miss me? Does anything remind her of me and us?

Or is it just me who is unregrettably stuck in the past and unable to move on?

Is it just me who still has conversations with her inside my head every day?

Is it just my heart that breaks every time I hear her favorite music or buy her favorite snack?

Am I the only one among us who is still holding on to the memories of our first kiss? Am I the only one who still thinks her touch was the best?

"Some thirty minutes. Why?" She asks, moving some hair behind her ear once again, and I'm unable to stop myself from remembering how her hair always felt in my hands.

A shiver runs up my spine, and a knot forms in my stomach at the resurrected memories that now rise to the forefront. Never did I imagine that we would meet again at this park where it all started and ended for us.

"Can you spend those thirty minutes with me?" I ask her, almost as if on autopilot, and her eyes widen slightly, roaming around to locate her daughter. "With just me." My request, though it sounded soft, was from the bottom of my heart, and I want nothing more than to spend some time with her now.

"Okay, sure," Ji-Yeon agrees quickly with another smile that seems a little more genuine than the previous smile, and it makes me smile a little too because I am the reason for that smile on her face.

We move to sit beside one another under the tree where I was seated when she picked up a sprint earlier. It's amusing and also shocking how quickly life changes, almost to the point where it feels awkward and unacceptable to sit with her like a stranger at this park.

This will probably be a memory that I will not attach to this park because, within my head, we are not strangers. Never were, and never will be. No matter how much our lives grow apart, we will always be connected, and I'm sure of it.

Bumping into her today is just proof of it.

Ji-Yeon places her tote bag on the grass and sits down with her legs folded to one side while I sit with my knees bent, and my hands crossed over my knees.

"How have you been, Ji?" I ask without turning to look at her, feeling the wind on my face.

Ji-Yeon turns to look at me briefly before she turns her head back.

"I'm existing. Breathing and moving around. Being a mom and a wife and a family woman. Busy would be a good way to put it," her voice is as soft as the breeze against my skin, and my heart aches with a heavy longing.

Why am I not waking up to this voice each morning? Is that not what we dreamed of? Is that not what we both talked so much about? Did we not promise to stay by each other's side until our breaths ceased?

What even happened? Why did it have to be us?

"And?" I know she hasn't put it all out because a small part of her is still the bubbly Ji-Yeon that I gave my heart to. It still is with her, and I know how she never says it all in one go.

Leaving things open ended is just her thing, but that mysterious nature of hers is what I've always found attractive and intriguing.

"And?" She laughs softly. "There's nothing more interesting to talk about. My life's just the same each day," we turn to look at each other at the same time. "How are you, Taehyung?"

I stare into her eyes for a few seconds, feeling the intense gravity within their depths and dying to free fall but unable to do so.

"I'm okay, I guess. Running around, being busy, being a parent... Life is just going on," my answer feels like I'm only adding more ice to the already existing unnecessary iceberg that has formed between us.

"Adulting is hard like that," Ji-Yeon comments, chuckling a little as she diverts her eyes from mine.

"But I think a lot about you," there, I knew this hot water would spill in an attempt to melt the ice.

Ji-Yeon's head turns slowly in my direction, and her gaze locks with mine.

"I'm not lying, and I don't know about you, Ji. But you're on my mind most of the time. I'm just so old-school, I guess." My shoulders lift in a small shrug as I move my gaze to the distance.

Plucking a long blade of grass, I begin swirling it around between my fingers.

"It doesn't seem right to talk about it now," this was a little unexpected from Ji-Yeon, but again, what was I expecting?

I have always imagined meeting her and, many times, even prepared myself mentally for such a conversation. But now that it's happening, I don't really know what to do about it and how to react or what to say. The only thing I'm experiencing at the moment is the need to be beside her even though I know it's going to break my heart in all possible ways and take me right back to square one. Not that I made any great progress in all these years being away from her.

"What's even right and wrong, Ji? Talking about it is probably not going to change anything. Whatever we talk now will always remain between us, and after these thirty minutes, you're going to go back to your life, and I'll be going back to mine." My eyes lift to look at her. "Why not be honest just now?"

Ji-Yeon's eyes are shimmering with a film of tears, and she makes no effort to stop the drops from slowly rolling down her smooth cheeks.

"If we talk about it, life is only going to get harder than it already is. Move on, Taehyung. You hav-"

"Have you moved on though?" I interrupt her shaky words midway, making her jaw drop slack before she quickly turns away from me and wipes away her tears, but they keep falling anyway.

I silently wait, my heart and mind fighting an internal battle and making me resist the upwelling urge to wipe away her tears and take her hands in mine and run away to another world where it would be just the two of us. I'm having a hard time holding my tears back, and my vision grows clouded quickly. Yet I somehow manage not to let them spill.

"I'm trying," she replies in a small voice.

"How?"

"Taehyung," she sighs, massaging her temples with her fingertips. "You're making it hard for me," her words stab me, but I know that deep within she's feeling the pain and hurting badly too.

"Has anything ever been easy though?" I chuckle softly. "Not for me, Ji. Never. I met another woman, yes. We got married, yes. We even have a baby, yes. But does any of it mean that my heart has moved on?"

"You can't say that, Taehyung. Your wife would be broken to hear you say these things." Ji-Yeon expresses in a firm tone.

"I wouldn't tell her any of this. She wouldn't understand. No one would understand. And there are still so many things which I can't ever talk to anyone except you."

"So what did you do all these years? I wasn't there for you to talk to." She shoots me a bullet, turning around to sit facing me.

"Yeah, you weren't there, but I still talk to you every single day." I point to my temple with two fingers, keeping my gaze steady on her.

Ji-Yeon stares at me in disbelief, her lips twitching, implying that there are so many words that she wants to pour out but holding them back for the sake of the lives we are living.

"Spill it out, Ji. We might never see each other after this in this lifetime, but I want to know the answers to so many things. I am greedy for all the answers. Give them to me," my eyes quite literally plead with her for honesty and openness. "Please." I insist.

"Fine." She says; her gaze unmoving yet silently telling me a thousand stories which I would readily give my life for. "What are your questions?"

"Be honest with me. Have you moved on fully? Tell me I'm not the only one who still exists in the world we created for us. Tell me I'm not the only one who still cries when I think about everything we could have been. Tell me I'm not the only one whose heart hurts all the time. Tell me I'm not the only one like this," I put that all out in one breath, and the way my words rush out clearly shows how desperate I am to learn the answers and how many times I have wondered the same.

Ji-Yeon only stares at me for a few seconds, her eyes searching mine for the answers to the questions that I just asked her. She knows that deep down I know the answer myself, and I feel terrible for asking them now.

"You're not alone." The precious words spill out from her mouth, accompanied by a big drop of tear that slides down from her eye.

My lips quiver, and my tears break free at that, running down my face without my control, making my chin tremble and hands quake. I'm unable to name the emotion I'm experiencing now. Should I say I'm happy that I heard what I wanted to hear? Should I say I'm dying from the stabbing pain that we will never have what was meant to be ours? Should I say I'm angry and upset at myself for not trying harder and confronting her with these questions years back?

"Ji-Yeon," I utter breathily and purse my lips in an attempt to slow down my tears, but it doesn't work.

Ji-Yeon buries her face in her hands and takes a few moments to bring her tears under control while I'm doing a terrible job at it. I'm not even trying, to be honest.

A few minutes pass by, and a comfortable silence settles between us, which I would have gladly filled in with a million words. Yet, here I am, sitting silently by her side.

Ji-Yeon clears her throat, and we both turn our heads to look at each other. "Tell me about you, Taehyung. How did you meet your wife? When did you get married?" She asks me with a small smile, the tip of her nose still a little pink.

"We met at university through a common friend. Dated for about two years, and we got married three years ago. Yu-Mi was born last year," I tell her, combing my hair with my fingers, and I don't ask her the same question in response because I know she was arranged into a marriage right after graduation.

"Cute," her lips form into a lopsided smile. "Yu-Mi is a cute name. Can I see her?" Her mood pipes up slightly.

Pulling my phone out from the pocket of my coat, I power up the screen and show her the photo on the home screen, which is that of Yu-Mi and I which I clicked last week before I flew down to Seoul to meet my parents.

Ji-Yeon takes the phone from my hand and studies the picture, her eyes growing moist once again even as her smile stays wide in an attempt to mask the sadness and pain. She then returns the phone to me, glancing at the distance and waving to her daughter with a big smile.

"Yu-Mi is literally stuck to you, and she looks just a little like you." She tells me, laughing softly, and I smile at that.

"She's always clinging to me because I work from home, bathe her, feed her, play with her, put her to sleep, and even when her mother is around, she always asks for me and makes sure to stay around me," my elaboration makes Ji-Yeon smile fondly.

"I felt that. You sound just like me, and it seems that you're the main parent." She concludes with another smile.

"I am," I nod proudly. "She only eats what I cook for her. It's so adorable how she loves me so much," the softness in my eyes and smile portray my immense and unconditional love for my daughter.

Ji-Yeon nods her head and chuckles lightly through her nose.

"Despite all this, my wife still thinks I'm inadequate. She complains and picks up fights. She always says she's tired, even when I've looked after the baby all day." I sulk, not hesitating to be fully honest with her.

"Should I blame you for that? You've probably spoiled your wife a little too much," her comment is light, punctuated by a cute smile.

I laugh a little at that, running a hand through my hair. "I wish she saw it that way at least once."

"I don't know if this would sound right coming from me, but I would say your wife is a very lucky woman." She says, barely bringing her eyes to mine, but her words throw me off a little.

"Why do you have to be so formal and uptight with me, Ji?" I snap back in the next heartbeat, causing her eyes to fly to me. "I don't care if it sounds right or wrong, but your husband is the luckiest man because he has you. I haven't spent a day without thinking about you, and I know we didn't deserve any of what happened to us. We deserved the life we dreamed of. We deserved to be happy too. But look at what we are now? Just two sad humans filled with regret and talking to each other like strangers. Honestly, I'm so frustrated that things are like this." I have no idea what takes over me when I pour out all my raw thoughts without any filters.

But I don't regret spilling them.

"I'm sorry, Taehyung." Ji-Yeon apologizes in a soft and quivery voice, her eyes watery once again. "It was all because of me. I ended us. I destroyed our dreams. If not for my poor choice, we wouldn't be the sad humans we are today. We wouldn't be filled with regret. I know we would have been the happiest together," she nods her head a few times, her voice grows brittle and cracks, but she is holding it together so well and not breaking down.

"It wasn't just you. I must have tried harder, too. I must have pursued you harder and kept trying to meet you and talk to you more insistently. I allowed us to be ended like that too." I'm having a very hard time holding back all my regrets from spilling out of my mouth.

Had we been bold enough and strong enough to face and cross the obstacles that came in the form of her parents, we would be living the life of our dreams today.

"No, don't say that. You did no wrong, Taehyung. It was I who had to make a choice, which I shouldn't have even thought about. I should have just blindly chosen you," her eyes cast down at the patch of grass between us. "But I didn't. And nothing in my life which followed that one wrong choice has been right." She says meekly, making my heart wrench.

Is she not happy? Is her life not good enough?

"Are you happy, Ji?" My question doesn't bring her eyes back on me, even though I voiced it out softly.

"My daughter gives me purpose." She justifies, still not meeting my eyes and not entirely answering my question as well.

"I asked if you're happy." I repeat, calmly though.

Ji-Yeon sighs heavily. "I don't know how to be happy without you, Taehyung. You were my happiness, my only joy in life. What else do you expect from someone who always laughed so hard for even the silliest things which only you used to tell me?" Her eyes slowly lift to meet mine, tears streaming down her face as well as mine. "I'm sorry, Taehyung. Sorry for not staying strong and giving life to our dreams. Sorry for leaving you like that. Sorry for everything," her apologies flow amongst our tears.

My chest vibrates from how heavy and  it feels right now, and I'm unable to bring my tears under control.

We really did build our own beautiful world where we were happily married, having three beautiful children that consisted of one cute girl baby named Hee-Jin. In our world filled with pure love, we would be feeding each other every day, kissing until our lungs and lips rebelled, making love through the nights, every night, living a peaceful and wholesome life and growing old together while being the extremely possessive brats that we always were to one another.

All the memories of the most beautiful four years of my life flash through my mind—all our late night phone calls, our petty little fights and the patch ups soon after that which were filled with kisses and a few tears, our movie dates where we hardly ever watched the movie, our long walks hand in hand down the lonely winding roads of our university, our little promises to one another and even the intimate nicknames we used to call each other—everything is so vivid in my mind, and if it's the same with her, then I deeply feel why she said she wants all her memories gone forever.

I still remember the way her lips felt against mine, and would it be a crime to say that I've never once felt the same kind of emotions in any other kiss? I'm not ashamed to admit to myself that I'm living a fake life, but I'm also unable to school my mind to put or even imagine another woman at the place where Ji-Yeon lives inside my heart. I do love my wife, but it isn't the same kind of love. Not even remotely close.

With Ji-Yeon, there never existed any inhibitions in being my true self or openly telling her my deepest desires and fantasies, and the chemistry we had was just unmatched. She was as fiery and passionate as me, and I never once had even an inkling of doubt about our future together.

My life after we broke up was a total mess. I did not know how my days and nights passed. I hardly stepped out to meet my friends, and I hardly even talked to anyone for a long time. Destructive and dangerous thoughts took over me, making me even harm myself a few times.

Yet, never once had I stopped to think about her life after our breakup. I was so preoccupied with myself and so upset about her marriage that I only thought she was leading a happy life without me. But now I realize that it must have been harder for her. At least I was on my own to recover and pick myself up. I even moved out of Seoul in an attempt to seek for change and growth and not end up always reminiscing about our time together and being reminded of her wherever I went. It did work to an extent.

But what about her? She was forced into marriage soon after our breakup, and she had to take up a new role and move to a new home without a choice and without having the time to even grieve properly after everything.

"I'm sorry, Ji," I say in a soft whisper, wanting to warmly hold her hand in mine, yet using all my inner strength not to do it.

Life truly feels like a punishment for letting her go and for not trying harder for all the love that we shared.

Should I just forget it all and run away with her to somewhere where it's just the two of us? So what if she's another man's wife and so what if I'm another woman's husband? But that isn't how the wicked world works, right? The heart can never truly win. It can only suffer silently.

Ji-Yeon and I go back to being totally quiet, even though I want to ask her so much and tell her so much more. I'm still debating whether I should allow myself to feel a little happy or terribly depressed.

The commotion within my mind ends when Ji-Yeon picks up her bag and dabs away her tears with a tissue that she pulls out from inside it. It tells me that our time is over, and that she'd be leaving me now. Once again.

We both silently rise from the ground, dusting our backs and exchanging a small smile.

"I guess I have to go now." Ji-Yeon says in a small voice, moving some strands of hair away from her cheeks.

Her eyes are still slightly red, and I'm guessing mine look the same. I only nod lightly in response, taking in all of her for a long few seconds.

"Taehyung," she takes a step closer to me, her eyes flitting between mine. "There's not a single day I've lived in these past twelve years without thinking about you and the life we should have had, of the life that isn't ours now. I live each day with so much regret, and so unhappily. I'm unable to find my happiness anymore, unable to show love to a man who isn't you. I guess the kind of unconditional and boundless love that we had only happens once in a lifetime, and it stays so deep in the heart, always and forever." Tears well up in her beautiful eyes once again, but mine are rolling down my cheeks already.

How do I tell her that I'm exactly the same? How do I make her know that I'm unable to fake an unconditional love, miserably failing at it each day? Would telling her that change anything? Would our lives rewind back?

I stand in silence, swallowing my words and my emotions.

"Why did you ask me if I hate you? That's something I can never do even if I were to die right away. I think about you all the time, and I'm unable to forget anything about us, Taehyung. I want my memories gone because they hurt so much, because they aren't my reality. But do you know what? I wouldn't ever give away even one little strand of my memories with you. Those are the only memories I wish to hold on to until death." Ji-Yeon confesses amongst a puddle of tears. "I promised to love you forever, and I intend to always keep that promise, Taehyung. I have always loved you, and I will continue to love you forever. I miss you, Taehyung. So much that it hurts right here," she points with her hand to the middle of her chest, her chin trembling as more tears erupt.

Each word she says causes my heart to twist and break in ways I never knew it could, until now. I close my hands into fists—my hands that are twitching to pull her in for a tight hug and never let her go. I would be happy even if I died right now, if that would mean that we would live together forever in an afterlife. Seeing her tears is so much more painful than hearing her heartbreak that manifested in her words.

"I love you so much, Ji-Yeon. I miss you terribly... each day." I barely manage to whisper the words, my vision already blurred with the tears that are curtaining my eyes.

I lower my eyes to the ground beneath, wiping away my tears and sniffing back the remaining before they could fall.

"I'm not strong enough to see you leave me once again. Just leave without looking back," my voice comes out as a weak croak as I keep my neck dipped, watching fresh tears drip on to the grass below.

I do not know how to describe the pain within my chest right now. What is this feeling? Helplessness? Longing? I don't really know.

Meeting her today was an accident, but these thirty minutes have already turned into another memory that I will cherish and replay a million times within my head for the rest of my life. All that I know is that I'd come back here again and again, picking up the conversation from where we left it, each time telling her something out of the many things I didn't tell her just now.

It is true that a love like this comes by only once in a lifetime, and failing to protect it leaves us with nothing but regret that screams so deafeningly inside a hollow and empty life that the lost love leaves behind.

Years may pass, and we only learn to coexist with the noise or become immune to it, but we never truly make peace with it.

Raising my head after a few minutes, by which time my tears have slowed down, I find myself on my own once again. My shoulders sink, but what else was I expecting? This is my reality. And the fact is reiterated when my phone rings with an incoming video call from my wife.

Laughing softly, I answer the call, once again locking away the precious memories inside the deepest crevices of my heart.