Unexplainable Connections

“I can’t believe this.” she spat, anger starting to fill her heart. All of this time she’d tried being patient and understanding, even going so far to be willing to compromise- even if that meant breaking her own heart. She thought that they were in it together. That they were looking out for each other, but she’d been wrong. Her own best-friend had sought out to hurt her and he’d succeeded. He’d done the very last thing that she ever thought he would. Apparently loyalty, and everything that it meant, was only of value to her. This person was not the person she’d grown to love and trust; this person was the reason goodhearted people learned the true meaning of the word hate. Rage consumed her like an open flame, ready to destroy everything in her path. Ready to end all that she believed to be true forever changing all that she thought she knew.

“I can explain, but I don’t think that you’ll understand.” he snapped at her. She was gobsmacked. Flabbergasted. He was the one here who’d been caught doing wrong, yet he was snapping at her. Who was this person standing here right in front of her? She didn’t recognize the look he was giving her or the tone he was throwing at her. He was mad when she should’ve been. He was reprimanding her when she should’ve been reprimanding him. Who was this boy pretending to be a man standing in front of her? He wasn’t her best-friend. Not anymore and definitely not acting like this.

“Are you really insulting me right now? That’s the route you want to take with this?” she asked for some reason, giving him a chance to correct his mistake. She was always giving him a chance to fix the problems he caused. Seconds away from shattering and here she was doing it again; the thought that she had to give him a chance to explain his betrayal engrained in her bones. She was hoping he’d admit to temporary insanity or something, but the longer she stood there the more she began to understand. The easier it was to see that his allegiances had changed. She tried to study him, to sense just a bit of the regret he should feel for hurting her like this, but she came up empty. He, her best-friend, didn’t care anything about her as he stood protectively in front of the person that helped betray her. Now she wondered if he ever did. If either of them ever did.

“It’s not an insult Cupcake; it’s the truth. You wouldn’t get it.” he sighed. She flinched at the nickname he’d used hating the way that it sounded in this moment. He could sense her anger and was trying to put it out. He’s always been good at that, but not this time. She couldn’t let him win. Taking another look at the predicament, her blood began to boil once again. Words began to form as her mouth moved without her permission, anger coating her every word.

“You’re right Sparkly. I don’t understand how or why. I just walked into MY room and found MY best-friend having sex with MY girlfriend on MY bed. I don’t understand why you would want to hurt me like this. What could I have possibly done to deserve this from the both of you? If you were going to stab me in the back like this, you both could’ve left and gone somewhere else. Or at least done it on a day that wasn’t my birthday.” she spat. Finally remorse filled his eyes, but it was accompanied by a guilt that seemed misplaced. Her heart sank into her stomach as she realized why, the words already escaping her. “This isn’t the first time is it?” she asked. He stared at her begging her silently to take a breath, but she shook her head no disbelief filling every crack of her broken heart. Anger wrapped around every tear blurring her vision. “Get out.” she cried finally letting the tears go.

“Cupcake please.” he tried.

“Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that again! Just go! Get out! Both of you are dead to me now… And possibly forever at that.” she turned leaving them in her room. She ran just wanting to get as far away from them as possible. Everything had just changed. Nothing would ever be the same again. It was one thing they both knew.

… … … … … …

-Six Months Later-

Finishing out senior year was harder than she expected. Newly eighteen, betrayed on her birthday, yet everyone accused her of being the one that was overreacting. She distanced herself from everyone after that comment. No one knew what happened over vacation. No one knew how it broke her until she almost didn’t recognize herself anymore. No one knew what it took to pick herself back up just enough to be able to face them again, they just knew a story that wasn’t entirely true. A few times the former best-friend, Nolan, had tried to contact her, but she still wasn’t ready. Even now she couldn’t think of a scenario where the two of them could get past the obstacle. It was like leaking blood while trying to jump over a river filled with blood-thirsty animals.

She just wasn’t ready. Especially not after the revelation she’d had. Yes, she’d been betrayed, but she was more hurt by him than the female who’d opened her legs to him that she also happened to be dating. It made no sense until she sat with those feelings and had an epiphany. She was avoiding him, yes, but it was for more reasons than one.

“Amani!” someone yelled and jerked her out of her thoughts. She glanced around, seconds away from leaving to escape to a new place of solitude. That was until her eyes landed on the last person she’d expected to see for a while.

“Amaya!” she cried, rushing to stand and hug the girl before she remembered and paused. “Wait, am I allowed to hug you again.” she asked.

“You can spit in my mouth and I’d swallow it and still hug you afterwards.” Amani made a face of disgust before they both laughed and hugged each other. Amaya definitely had been missed. It had been their last six months of school when she’d caught something so dangerous she had to be moved to remote learning from home. No one was allowed around out of fear of making it worse… of making it fatal. She was the only one who sided with Amani when their relationship had been revealed, and then she was just gone… leaving Amani alone and without the one last best-friend who had remained on her side.

“How did you know that I was here?” she asked genuinely curious.

“You have a stalker.” she laughed pointing. Amani turned to look just as Nolan panicked and drove away.

“I do wish he’d just leave me alone. Just until I feel like I’m okay again.” she sighed feeling the pain in her chest starting all over again as she stared longingly at where his car was once parked. There was a time where he’d make it known that he was watching her from a distance, or he’d just rudely interrupt her alone time secretly making her happy not to be alone. Those times were gone now and although he’d been the one to destroy them, it was like he simply didn’t understand that it couldn’t be like that anymore.

“You know your mouth is saying that, but your face and tone don’t seem to agree darling. Care to explain?” she spoke matter-of-factly and suddenly Amani was wondering why she was so excited to see her again. Why couldn’t she be happy in her forced isolation of solitude? Instead she eagerly embraced the girl who’d been gone. She wanted to answer, but her mouth refused to move. Instead they just stared at each other before Amaya’s entire face brightened. “Oh my- you love him!” she gasped.

“Of course I do. He was my best-friend!” she spat sarcastically, rolling her eyes. “Shit like that doesn’t just go away, no matter the degree of betrayal.”

“No bitch. I think you’re in love with him.” she frowned. “When in the fuck did that happened?” she spat, a cross between excitement, disgust and confusion on her face. She hadn’t wanted to put a name to it, but now that it was out, she couldn’t risk ignoring it any further.

“I have no clue.” Amani sighed. “All I know is when I walked in and saw him with her I was thinking it should’ve been me. I don’t mean with her either. I felt like it should’ve been him and I and I freaked. I kicked them out and started avoiding him. For that split second it felt like he was the one cheating on me and not her. I didn’t know what else to do and when everyone started coming at me so rudely and meanly, I just kept waiting for him to stick up for me. He didn’t though and now I doubt if he ever did.” she paused to wipe away the stray tears from her cheek. “Sometimes I do miss him, but I can’t anymore.”

“Why though Am, I’m sure he’d understand if you just talk to him.” She tried comforting Amani, but it didn’t work. With the way that Amani was feeling, mostly confusion, she doubted anything would be able to make her want her best-friend back as just her friend. Or even be willing to simply just speak to him again. There was so much hurt around every feeling that she knew it was best to stay away from him for a little while longer.

“Would you understand if suddenly your best-friend of seven years told you that she was in love with you?” she spat tears filling her eyes as she tried not to let the emotion control her. “Then it would turn into him avoiding me, Amani. He would treat me like I have the plague.”

“Or he just might be in love with you too, love.” Amani tried, but stubbornly Amani shook her head. It wasn’t possible. Not even if deep down she wanted to believe it, she knew it just couldn’t be true. He would never love her like she loved him. Sleeping with her girlfriend behind her back was proof enough for Amani. To her, Nolan was just a selfish, narcissistic asshole that she was in love with and she hated herself for it.

… … … … … …

-Two Months Later-

Amani’s head was pounding as she stood in line at the grocery story. The day had been an exhausting one. She was supposed to be getting ready to go away to college, but unforeseen circumstances had her changing to a two year university instead, one that also happened to be not too far from home. Which was one thing she was happy about. She started her classes before summer even became official. One or two summer courses to help keep her busy when she wasn’t working at her part-time job was exactly what she needed. It was the best she could do, last minute, on her last summer vacation before true adulthood. Besides, it was better than the alternative. Sitting around missing and loving him while simultaneously hating him and wanting to cut all ties. That was definitely not what she wanted to do with her free time. She didn’t want to think about all the plans they made together. She didn’t want to contemplate what the summer could’ve been for them. All three of them. She just wanted to keep busy and keep them out of her mind.

“Your total will be thirty-six even ma’am.” said the cashier pulling her out of her own thoughts. In the midst of it all, she hadn’t even noticed herself moving on autopilot. Every time she thought that she was getting over it, something always came to prove otherwise. It had been eight months since she’d caught them on her birthday, but it still felt like this morning to her. The heartache she felt, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy to just let it go. It was going to take a while and for the sake of others… she’d stay away from everyone. “Thank you and have a wonderful day.” the cashier finished, looking like she wanted to yell at her to get out of her line. She mumbled a quick apology before hurrying towards the exit, only to come face to face with Nolan and her ex-girlfriend wrapped around his arms. After everything, they were still together not giving a fuck about how much they’d hurt her.

“Cupcake-” he gasped only to have her interrupt him.

“I told you not to call me that anymore, Nolan. I meant it.” she spat her anger starting to bubble into a low simmered rage.

“I don’t like the way you- I prefer you calling me Sparkly.” he spat back ignoring everything and everyone as he stared into her soul. She tried to decipher the emotion hidden deep beneath his eyes, but she couldn’t read it. Whatever connection they once held had been broken because of him and now when she looked at him all she saw was bright red hatred.

“Doesn’t matter. You won’t hear either leaving my lips ever again. I wish that you both would just stay the fuck away from me in the same capacity I go through to avoid you.” she moved to take a step only to have him block her as they both groaned annoyed with each other.

“When will you stop hating me?” he asked, his tone almost a whisper. She could hear how much her hatred pained him. All she wanted to do was hug him and tell him that what she felt was the opposite of hate, but she was still too hurt to be able to show it. He brought all of this upon himself and not once did he apologize. So why should she be the one to give in?

“When you apologize, mean it and stop sleeping around with my ex that you stole from me all-the-while stabbing me in the back and twisting the blade.” she spat angrily. “Now move.” he could see the tears in her eyes and although he wanted to press the situation further until he had his best-friend back, he knew it was best to just get out of her way. She took a few steps past them when something in him snapped and made him reach out to grab her, halting her movements. She turned to glare at him, hatred fueled by rage burning in her eyes. Every inch of him was screaming to let go, but his heart wouldn’t let him and he didn’t understand why.

“For what it’s worth, Cupcake, I am sorry. I truly and humbly apologize. None of this should have happened this way. I never wanted to hurt you Cupcake. I know you know that, but I can’t apologize for this,” he paused to gesture between himself and the girl that refused to look Amani in the eyes while also looking annoyed. “The heart wants what it wants.” he shrugged. She made a sound of disgust before yanking her arm out of his grip and momentarily losing her balance. Still her glare never wavered.

“For what it’s worth,” she mocked. “You once said your heart knew that I was its other half the very moment that you met me. Two peas in a pod, remember? Well, I can’t wait to see how you get on with half a heart. Good luck Sparkly, I wish for you all the pain you brought to me. I hope you learn soon just how lonely that pod is without me. I did.” and with that she left, deciding not to chance a single moment to look back at them. If she had, she would’ve seen that he too stared longingly after her, a tear he refused to shed glistening his eyes. Instead she kept striding forward to her car, a pain she hadn’t felt in a long time settling deep within her heart. She’d admitted a lot to him, she could only hope he’d listen and understand.