Chapter 1
My life is like a movie. A dark and horror movie with no happy ending. Or will there be an happy ending? The plot is not looking like it'll hit one anytime soon. Sometimes i wish I can speak to the script writer maybe I would be able to negotiate with him and pay him money to replace me with another person. I would have asked him to make an opening for acting auditions. Many qualified people would have trooped in and handled this role better than I did. How could I have handled it better? I was not trained for this script. No one deemed it fit to give me an heads-up. I was just pushed into the scene unprepared with the crowd starring back at me and expecting excellence and I failed woefully. The script writer refused to replace me despite my failures. I keep showing up everyday because I am left with no choice than to show up. I do not have the slightest idea about when this dark movie is going to end as well. Probably when the script writer says light out.
I was not given the privilege to choose the family I grew up in neither was I given the privilege to change the circumstances that surrounded my childhood. A painful childhood devoid of love. I grew up looking for attention, care and love. I assumed I could get it at home; the more I looked the more I was hurt. I grew up rather too quickly and did everything myself because I did not want to disturb Mama. I only wanted peace for her
Grieve they say changes people. Mama was completely changed after Papa's death. She retorted back into her shell. Every ray of sunshine disappeared from her face. She became the opposite of sunshine. Gloom replaced the sunshine we once had. I thought I could give her back the happiness even as a little child. I would keep my needs to herself and not disturb her so as to avoid her yellings. She only got worse.
A beautiful morning Mama's relatives came to hold a meeting in our house. I stayed close to the door so as to eaves drop
“Nkechi. You need to be strong for your self and your daughter” Grandma said touching her shoulders “You are looking leaner that before
“Biko. You are already becoming a shadow of yourself “ Aunty Chioma added. “Your child needs you. She's hurt too. Hope you know? You are not the only one that lost Charles for God's sake! The child lost her father too”
“Please…She's not my child” My mother said standing up “That demon is not my…” Her words were silenced with Mama slap
“How dare you deny a child you carried in your womb for nine months. How dare you” Grandma threw her hands up in disbelief as she shouted “I lost your father too at a young age. I did not pass down the grief to you. Did I? Answer me, Nkechi”
“I don't want her” she stood back up in defiance backing Mama. Aunty Chioma was just sitting there in shock
“I've seen you love this girl for seven years now. Seven years, Nkechi” Aunty Chioma broke the silence that followed Mother's words “What changed?”
“I loved her because Charles did. I never wanted a child. She came into the picture and everything changed, Chioma. Charles was the only connection between us” She wiped her tears with the hem of her wrapper
“This baby you made because of your love for Charles needs you now. She didn't ask for this. Did she?” Aunty Chioma spoke back with anger written all over her face
Fat big tears were rolling down Mama's eyes as she sat back down on the floor of our sitting room. She was sobbing hard the same way I cried anytime i am denied of sweets or cartoons
“Mama. I am tired. I don't want her again” she said amidst tears as she tried hard to struggle out of Grandma's embrace
“Shhhhhh. It is okay. You will be fine, Nkechi. My daughter. You are strong”
I ran back into my room with hot tears steaming down my face. My face was still sore from the burns injury I endured from the car accident but it didn't matter. A deeper wound that would take time to heal has been opened up inside of me. I hid under my bed and cried all night long till the house became silent. Mama's voice kept ringing in my head “i never wanted her”. Her voice drowned every other voicd in my head. It was so loud that I felt as though someone was standing with our school microphone and repeating the same words over and over again. I blocked my ears with my hands as I sobbed silently hoping no one heard me.
No one knew I was under the bed. No one cared to know where I was. I was simply a burden to them and it hurt more than anything. I wanted to run away but to where? I desire to ease my mother of her pain but how could I when I am a burden to her. Who has laid this on me? Who? I fell asleep dreaming that I was in heaven with dad. The dream felt so real I thought that he was right there in the room with me.
“Ada, Ada, Ada” Dad was panting as he chased after me in the field.
He caught me and swung me round in a circle till I got dizzy…
He squeezed my little nose
“Daddy” I giggled as he continued tickling me
“Come here” he drew me closer as he settled me on his laps.
“You are beautiful, my baby. You are the perfect child God gave to me. Never forget that”
“But my mates called me scar face today in school. They said I am a witch” I responded with my voice trembling
“That is because they are blind”
“Blind? They can see. Can someone with eyes be blind?”
“Yes, my dear. Anyone that cannot see your beauty is blind” he said as he kissed me on my forehead
“Daddy, you are the only friend I have. Promise me you'll not leave me like others”
“I promise* he said smiling
“Pinky promise?”
“I pinky promise you” he said settling me down and dusting off the sand on my hair. He placed a necklace on me and whispered in my ears
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