ATA: Tears Fall

I am sitting in the waiting room, a warm cup of coffee in my hand.

The appointment is at 11 but I came in 30 minutes early to scout the area. It’s been long overdue

The most I have spoken about my feelings was during pillow talk. It will be different talking about my feelings with me being fully clothed, sober and my head not resting on a pillow

I mean… it was in the pillow talk that Skye convinced me to consider therapy and promises of more, that got me to show up.

“Mr Hendrick Khosi,” the front desk lady calls my name and I get up.

She is young, probably interning

She signs me to walk with her. I walk towards her and when I get close, I speak to her

“It’s Prince Hendrick. Not Mr,” I correct

“Apologies,” the lady says bowing her head but I think it is done out of mockery

I understand that there are some delusional people that walk in here, I am not one of them. If I were, it is not nice to be handled like that

I’ll just let her be

She leads me to the room. She opens the door for me and I step inside. I see an elder men sits on his desk waiting for me.

“The Prince of Metsungo. It is an honour to have you here. Thank you, Susan. You may leave us,” he says getting up form his desk and sitting on one of the couches

Susan stands at the door dumfounded then scurries off

I remain stood at the door. I haven’t decided if I want to stay

Don’t get me wrong, the room is very warm and inviting. The walls are brown and the sofas match. It smells like oranges and honey.

”Have a seat. This office has the best view in sight,” he promises

I take my seat and admire the view of the city through the window

“The view is breathtaking,” I compliment

The chair is also comfortable. And it set up really close to the door

“How may I address you,” he asked

”You can call me Prince Hendrick,” he says

“It nice to meet you Prince Hendrick. I am Mr Welcome. I hope the travel was great,” he says

I nod my head

“I assure you non-judgement and confidentiality. Whatever you say will not leave this room and not repeated to anyone else,” he assures

I continue to nod my head

“Up to this point we only had conversed through Skye and Susan. This ends today. She will not be told the contents of our conversations,” he informs

“You can tell her everything. I don’t mind,” I consent

”Well. It will benefit your relationship if you two talk about things directly to each other,” Mr Welcome says

“Sure,” I agree

“How do you feel about being here?” he asks

“Not sure,” I say

”Do you have any expectations,” he ask

I nod no

“Do you have any questions for me?” he asks

“None.” I simply say

Simple and stoic

“Are you seated comfortably. You can sit back if you want and speak more casually,” he says

“Alright. Now that introductions and disclaimers are in order, we can start session. May I ask why are you here?” Mr Welcome asks

“To talk to you about my feelings,” I say

I’ve never been to therapy but I know it mainly involves talking.

“Have you ever been to therapy or a similar setting. Or was referred to one in the past?” he asks

”No. This is my first time. I also have never been referred to one,” I recall

It’s hot in here. Should I remove my jacket or keep it on? I’ll keep it on

”What made you come in here now? What brought you here?” he rephrased the question

“Skye set an appointment,” I say

She booked me 120 kilos away from home. Away from where anybody knows me

“Hendrik you are an intelligent man. You have an entire kingdom at your feet. I know you know what I mean by that question,” he says

The entire kingdom is not at my feet, it’s on my shoulders and it’s become too heavy to bare. That’s my burden, nothing can take it away. Talking included

I sit on the couch in silence

“You came a long way to say nothing,” he says

“I have nothing to say. I am okay, really,”

”Nothing? Maybe, you do have nothing to say. But I must remind you that you drove all this way cause of something. Something that is causing you anger outbursts, nightmares, panic attacks, shaking hands. Social isolation. Disappearing during the day, having your location and notification off. That is not nothing. These are signs to show you are not okay,” he points out

“I think it is just seasonal anxiety. June is a very busy month. Both the Chief and the Queen have their birthdays. It’s Youth Month as well… I am getting more stressed talking about it,” I excuse

“Last year, you did not have it. Or did you,” he asks

“Not to this capacity. The doctor gave me sleep and anxiety medication. From now on, I’ll keep my location on. I’ll be okay.” I explain

“The anxiety medicine is treating your symptoms but you are here to break down the cause of it,” he says

“I don’t know what to tell you Mr Welcome. I am not sure of the cause myself,” I say

”Is it people or things that put you off balance,” he asks

“It’s both. Who and what. I can’t tell you,” I say

”I’m gonna ask you to do an exercise. I am going to ask you an emotion and you tell me what and who makes you feel like that. Just call out a name or thing that comes to mind,” he says

“Okay,”

”What’s some one or something that makes you happy,”

“Long car rides and Skye,” I say

I realise now that my favourite person arranged for me to do my favourite thing every week

“How about sad,”

“Touring the paediatric unit of the clinic makes me sad. Uhm…uhm… my mom, Sandra. I lost her at a really young age,” I say

I wish she were her to watch me grow. I wish she would hold my hand

“Something or someone that you are proud of,” he ask.

“My police badge and my friend Brice. He helped me through police academy,” I say excited

I earned the badge by heart and hard work.

I loved my time at police academy. I have a passion and made an oath to protect the weak

My best friend, Bruce made it worth it. Well, he used to be my best friend. We met at police academy and he helped me get through it

I think about him often. I hope he is doing alright

”How is your friendship going,” he asks

”What’s the next emotion,” I ask

“Nervous or awkward,” he says

“Public speaking. I avoid the mile at all cost. And… all of Skye’s family makes me nervous, especially Swan,” I say

Swan speaks as she thinks. Her thoughts are pretty offensive but true

“Guilty,”

“Landon. We were put up against each other for the throne,” I say

“Bored,”

“Meetings. Maybe Kgosi,”

“Angry,”

“Ford,” I say

“Fearful,”

”The sound of cows and Gift,”

“Who is Gift?” he asks

“Gift is my exes’ father. He does not like me very much,” I explain

”Peaceful

“The quiet and Khaya,”

“Who is Khaya,” he asks

“Gift’s daughter. Just someone I used to know,” I say

”Silly,”

“I have never acted silly. Neither have I risked humiliation,” I say

“Cranky?”

“Early mornings and Metsungo,” I say

“How many of the things and people mentioned, do you hold dear to your heart in a positive sense?”

“Just Skye and the quiet,” I admit

”So the rest is filling your mind and they don’t even matter to you. We have a lot to unpack. Good thing, we still have an hour,” Mr Welcome

My phone dings with a promo text from my service provider

“I have to go. Duty calls. It’s June. Youth Month. I don’t need to say much without you guessing that it’s hectic,” I say getting up to leave

“Well… if duty calls,” he relieves me

“Thank you for understanding,” I thank

“Please book a day for our next session next week by the front desk before you leave,” he requests

“Yes. Definitely,” I say and sprint out of the building

I drive towards home.

Skye calls me 2 minutes later

“Hey, babe,” I say nervously

“Your location has changed,” she says a little mad

“You still have 40 minutes left of your session,” she warns

She must be disappointed. I did not even survive 15 minutes

“I could not help it. Metsungo needs me. I have to get to Elias,” I say

“Send me. I’ll go in your place,” she offers

“No. Your schedule is already packed,”

”I’m happy to help, if that means you will not turn into the mad king,” she says

“Mad King? It’s not going to get that far,” I downplay

“Yes. Metsungo needs a competent leader. And I need a partner who does not struggle to sleep, have tremors when he is stressed, takes pills to cope and leaves me in the dark. You are horrendously falling apart. You need to take this seriously,” she drops the call

I sigh then I make a U-turn back to the Mr Welcome’s office