UNIDENTEFIED

'Okay, i am going to walk out right now, go to the kitchen and ask father for food. Be polite, say please and avoid eye contact. I can do this.' I said to myself, quietly pacing around in my room. I reach out for the silver doorknob, but pull back and sit down on the floor, against my desk next to the door. 'Fuck, i can't do this.' I run my cold, pale fingers trough my hair, pulling trough the knots. I take my hands out of my hair and look at them, they are way to pale and thin. I stand up slowly and finally touch the doorknob. It felt cold on my skin. I turn it slowly and look at the imaginary line from my room to the hall upstairs. Now that my door is open i could hear the TV running, and noices from the kitchen. I could start drooling if i stayed there, thinking about the kithcen. Food, i need food. I take the step over the line that wasn't really there. I take another step, and another. Until i am above the stairs. I reach out my foot and try to not put pressuere on the first plank of the stairs. My feet stood in the corner of the plank, knowing it would creak less if my feet wasn't in the middle of it. I silently walk down the stairs and stand in the empty and dirty hall. My bare feet touching the spilled alcohol from the knocked over beer bottles and rainwater nobody cleaned up. I was too scared to clean.

The door creaks as i opened the door. It was old wood, old metal. Of course it makes noice, still it was scary everytime i used that door. I stood in the dark living room, i could feel my dad eyes on me. He sat in his arm chair in the corner, the only light in the room was the TV, lighting up the bright green eyes me and my dad both had. 'Olivia.' He mumbled in a slurry tone. He was drunk again. 'Y-yes dad?' I stutterd, trying to sound as sweet as i could. If i was not sweet, i would upset him, i would make him mad. i would turn his drunkness into fury. That may not happen. I can't make that happen. 'Come here,' He said, he was not upset, but happy was definitely something else. 'Yes dad.' I spoke quietly, and walked closer, and closer. trying not be slow or nervous, but i knew i was. I just kept thinking in repeat; Obey, obey, obey, obey. I reach him, just a feet between him on the big, old, gross chair and me. 'What do you want now?' He said in an annoyed tone. Shit, he is not happy, try to make it about him. I thought, while saying sweetly: 'I just wondered if you where hungry?' 'Hm. What did your mother get?' He grumbled. I panicked in my head because i didn't know. I think and then quietly ask: 'May i..look? i will be back in 2 seconds.' 'Fine. but hurry, you know i don't want to wait for your bratty ass.' i nod and walk to the kitchen, i try to walk fast, but i should not piss off my dad. I walk into the kitchen and see my mom. She was also thin and pale. I noticed she hid bread under her shirt. I wisper, still scared for my dad to hear: 'Mom it is just me. Please tell me what we have for food..' My mom looks up and sighns out of relief. I could sense the tension leaving her body, as she nods to the fridge. I open the fridge and see it was not very full. Carrots..Beer, beer, beer...And some other foods. Just a little bit. 'It is for Henry, no?' 'Mhm, can i give dad the last bag of chips?' 'Yes sweety, i know you are scared too. Just give him what he wants and we will be okay.' I nod and grab the bag of chips out of the cupboard above the fridge and look back at my mom.

'Here- here you go dad.' 'Now leave me alone.' 'Can- can i ask something please?' I spoke without really thinking. I felt the last colour i had in my face leave. I wasn't supposed to ask that. I am going to be dead. My dad frowns and turns to me, opening the bag loudly: 'Be quick. Or i'll have to punish you.' 'Uhm- uh...' 'Hurry! Little bitch.' 'Sorry father. C-can i please..Eat something?' I saw the red in my fathers eyes increase. Not only from all of the alcohol, but also from madness. Why in gods name did i ask that? 'Eat? Are you asking me, for food? You are already fat. How are you supposed to lose weigth when you keep eating, like a fat ass pig. Let me see your stomach. If it is thin enough you can eat a sandwich. Not more, not less.' I widen my eyes slightly, i know i haven't eaten anything in 2 days, but i was still fat..right? I carefully lift up my shirt, already sucking in the flesh i didn't even have. My ribs pressed trough my pale skin. My dad pressed his fingers into my skin and he nods slighlty, 'You can eat one sandwich. ONE. If i see more food gone then you are punished.' 'Yes dad.' 'Good girl, and tell your mother that she has to wash my clothes.' 'Yes dad,'

There i was, in my room again. The plastic plate with a sandwich. I tried to put as much food on it. Food that dad wouldn't miss. It may even taste bad, but everything for food. I take the bread, tomatoes, cucumber and salmon apart and put a little of each in a plastic box, with some other foods i pulled out of the corners of the kitchen with mom. I hid is under my mattress, with the other foods i saved up. I look at the half bits of food on the plate and start eating it piece by piece. Taking small bites to enjoy everything my tongue touches. This tasted so good..so, so good. The last time i ate cucumber was weeks ago.

I looked back in the mirror after eating. I wasn't gaining much. It would not be noticed for somebody, but i looked to the detail. I did gain, but almost unnoticable. My long, messy blond hair fell besides me, the lenght got long again. It was all up to my waist. i grabbed the siccors and cut off half of it. It was just after my shoulders. i held the long pieces of tangled, greasy hair in my hand. I braid it and put it under my mattres aswell. i didn't know why i saved my hair, but maybe i could donate it once i was old enough to esceape. If i ever could. I put it next to 3 other thick long braids. I lean over the sink and cut my hair even, not that it mattered to much, but atleats i could kill some time. My baggy style, bright green eyes and now short blond hair was perfect on me.

I climb up my closet, a secret space i had for myself. A safe space, although i never really felt "safe" around my house. Not even outsise. Never. I don't know what safety feels like. I grab the old phone my mom gave me when i turned 14 years old, that was 2 years ago. It still worked. It was the most precious thing i owned. I only used it when i was sure my dad was asleep. like now. I heard the bedroom door downstairs close. My dad didn't want to sleep with my mom unless he was lustful to her. So she slept in the guest room. That door was heard the same time my father his bedroom door closed. They didn't even bother to say goodnight, or check on me. But atleast i didn't have to be worried. Now that dad was asleep it was more peaceful at home. Even though the drunken air, the dirty floors and walls where still there. it wasn't even a home. it looked like a garbage dump, wich never got cleaned because no one cared. Well, dared. I love cleaning. It cleans the mess in real life, but also a bit of the mess in my head. When i was on the urge to cut again, i instead would clean. Because it was also a way of distraction.

I check my phone. This one girl i met online texted me. I open the chat-

"Hey, it's me, Spoh. How are you??" Spohie was the only girl that ever cared for me. I knew my mom did too..but she was scared. and Spohie didn't know about my home life. She lived in Europe, so we never met.

I replied- "Heyyyy, i'm good. You? How is it in Italy?" It was obviously a lie, but not like she would know. It didn't take long for her too reply. Yes, there was a time difference of 6 hours. Well, should be 7AM for her then.

"Yeah, good. I have to go to school soon though, what about you?" She replied after a time that felt too long, but in reality only was 10 minutes.

"It is midnight here, so no school yet. How early do you start?"

"8.15AM. When do you start? And shouldn't you be asleep already?"

"Yeah, just couldn't sleep, and this is the only time i can chat with you."

"That is true, but don't stay up too long allright?"

"Yeah, Yeah. No worries."

"I will worry. Anyway, goodnight for you atleast. I need to go take the bus!"

"Yeah, thx. Have fun at school"

"Ofc! bye xx"

"Bye x"

No respons anymore. I sighn and grab my legs, hugging my knees to my chest. I rest my cheeck on my knees and look at my dark room from the high space. The only one who will ever care for me is Sophie, but we are only online friends. She will leave etventually right? I mean it is easy to just block me. But there it was though; *Goodnight.*