How am i supposed to live without you
I sit at the head of the bed leaning against the head board. I bend my knees and open my legs. Rome understands what I'm doing and stands up. He just looks at me for a minute. His classic smirk forms on his face. He walks to the side of the bed and climbs in.
"I'm going to miss this babygirl. Where ever I go after this I know I'm going to miss this." My bottom lip starts to quiver while I try to hold back my tears.
"I'll miss this so much more Roman Reigns." He chuckles hearing his whole name. "I'll dream of you every night just to have these moments back." His hand cups my face as he kisses me. The tingles still present between us. When he pulls away my eyes look back and forth between his. "Why can't we just wait? Why do we have to do this right now? We only just got married today. Please Rome. We don't know if it will ever happen." He smiles, brushing my hair behind my shoulder.
"Yes we do love, everything that man told me has come true. You dream't it for a week. And I know why Quint was up here today. He planned on doing it himself." I look away from him. I know he's right. And I don't want anyone to hurt him or torture him. But I'm selfish and I just want him here with me. "Look at me babygirl," I do, and feel horrible for giving him a hard time. His eyes are glassy. He doesn't want this either. But he feels it's better this way. I need to be supportive so I nod my head. He kisses me once more as the door opens.
"Ok, all set." I beg him with my eyes one last time. He tilts his head and smiles.
"Loving you was the best decision I've ever made. And I'd do it all over again. The only regret I have is waiting as long as I did to be with you. I'm sorry I wasted so many years." I shake my head as tears roll down my cheeks.
"I'll l-love you ma-my ho-whole life." He grabs my face, smashing his lips to mine for the last time before he sits between my legs resting his back on my chest. His arms rest over my thighs as his hands hold on to my knees. He lays his head back on my shoulder. I automatically bury my face in his hair and squeeze my eyes shut. I feel him nod.
"I love you Ava." The gun goes off and I feel him jump. I wrap one arm around him and cradle his head in the other turning him to look at me. His hand shakes coming up to cradle my face as I lean my forehead to his.
"I love you so much Rome. I will always love you Rome." He closes his eyes and a tear streams out from between his long lashes. I kiss his lips just before his hand slowly drops. When I open my eyes to look at him he's gone. I close my eyes again pressing my cheek to his and start rocking back and forth. The pain I feel is all consuming. I want to scream but I can't even breathe.
I don't know how long I sit like this just rocking him. I just keep hoping it's all a bad dream. And when I open my eyes he'll be there smiling at watching me with those big gray eyes.
"Ava, sweetheart. He's gone. Please let me take him." I look up at Leo. He and Abel are both standing at the foot of the bed. "It's been almost a hour. I'll take Roman, and Abel will get you washed up. Ok?" I nod my head looking down at Romes face. I press my lips to his cold ones before I whisper in his ear.
"I'll love you my whole life."
It's been four weeks since the happiest day of my life. Four weeks since I married the love of my life. The person who became my everything overnight.
It's also been four weeks since my life was thrown into turmoil. Four weeks of pain, heart ache, and loneliness.
He was here and gone in what seems like the blink of an eye. My whole world shattered and yet somehow the rest of the world just keeps living, and expects me to just keep living. Rome wanted me to keep living. But how? How am I suppose to live without him?
The pain in my chest where my heart is doesn't let up, ever.
Just getting out of bed to use the bathroom takes all the energy I have left. The only time I don't feel it is when I sleep at night.
I haven't eaten a meal in weeks. It's either Abel or Leo who bring me all my meals everyday. They try to force feed me but after two bites and 20 minutes they give up.
I have nobody. I'm alone all over again. Leo tries to sympathize but he's never even met his mate and has no idea what I'm going through. Part of me feels he's only here because he's my beta, and it's his duty to serve his Luna. And Abel, well true to his word he hasn't given up on me. But he knows his limits.
Roman was my vampire mate. And Abel in my shifter mate. He's loved me since the day I was born. I can feel the bond, but my heart won't allow me to go there. I know I would be so much worse off if he wasn't here.
Lawyers have been leaving messages to finalize paperwork to put everything in my name including the business. But I can't bring myself to do that either.
Andrew has written to send his and the Vampire counsel's condolences, and remind me I always have a place there as well as their Queen.
So many here depend on me to be their leader as well.
As I stare out of the window from my bed I look to the sky and wish for a miracle that I know will never happen. I do this every night, and probably will for the rest of my life.
Rome,
If you can hear me, please talk to me. Please. I can't do this without you. I can barely breathe without you.
Please answer me.
If I can just hear your voice it would help the pain. Even if just for a moment.
Please God let me hear him.
Please.
I'll never ask for anything else ever again. Just bring him back to me.
I close my aching eye's, and allow sleep to take me over praying one last time that maybe I'll at least dream about him.
I wake up to a girl screaming, and crying. I try to sit up straight but someone has their arms around me tight.
I can hear Abel yelling my name.
"Eva!, Eva, it's ok! Baby please open your eyes it's just a dream." I freeze after opening my eyes.
It was me screaming.
"Breathe Baby, breathe. In." I take in a deep breath with him. "Out." And I blow it out with him. "Again. In. Out." I do this with him two more times before my body relaxes back against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Eva. I'm so sorry." His voice sounds weak as I turn to look at him. His eyes open and they are glassy.
"What are you sorry for Abel? You didn't do anything wrong." He shakes his head, lowering his eye's.
"I wasn't here in time. Every night you cry in your sleep. Usually I'm here when it starts and I'm able to calm you down. I was busy and running late and I didn't get here early enough." I shake my head turning in his arms to look at him. I'm so confused.
"How long have you been doing this?" I start to tear up again, feeling not only my own heart ache, but his too.
"Since. Rome died. From that very first night."
"Why? Why would you do that?" He looks at me like I should already know the answer.
"Because Eva. Whether you love me or not, whether you accept me or not; you are my mate. And I refuse to let you go through this alone. Nobody should ever be alone after a loss. I know you feel you are utterly alone, but you aren't" I pull away from his arm, putting a little space between us.
"How could you know how I feel? You've never really lost a mate." His brow furrows and jaw muscles tense for a moment.
"I can feel it from you Eva. I feel everything you feel. While you have been held up in here I've been doing the same in my room. On top of feeling your pain, I have my own. I'm heart broken because I can't help you. I can't hold you, I can't do anything. The only thing that makes it bearable is coming in here at night while you sleep." I sit up straight and hide my face in my hands. I cant handle this all right now. The guilt over Rome, and now knowing I'm hurting Abel more than I thought pings my heart and the tears I was holding back squeeze past my lash line, and refuse to let up. I shake my head in my hands and begin to sob. I try to hold it back but I've lost all control of my emotions now. I'm unhinged, and all I want to do is end this all. "No Eva." He grabs me pulling me into his lap. He cups my face in his hands, his brows pinched high on his forehead. His eyes dart back and forth between my eyes. "Don't you ever think that ever again. You can't do that to me Eva." He lets go of my face and pulls me to his chest wrapping his arms around me. Im sobbing to the point of hyperventilation.
"I'm so sorry Abel." I fist his shirt in my hands as I hold onto him. "I-I j-just don't n-know what else to d-do." It's taking everything in me to speak and force myself to breathe. "It h-hurts so fucking much. An-And on top of a-all that I know that I'm hur-hurting you t-too and I hate myself. I don't want to hurt an-an-anymore Abel." I squeeze my eyes shut and rest the side of my head against his.
"Shhhh, sh, sh." he rubs my back and begins to rock me. "Baby, it's going to be okay. Maybe it doesn't seem like it right now. It may not happen tomorrow, It might not happen a month from now. But eventually it will get better." I shake my head no, because I don't see how it can. "I'm not saying you'll ever get over the love you lost or that the pain will just disappear. But you will learn how to live again. You'll learn to smile and laugh again." He pulls away and lifts my face. with his thumbs he wipes away my tears. He brushes my hair out of my eye and cups the side of my face. I close my eyes and find myself leaning into his touch. Not in a sexual way, but in a comfort way. I haven't let anyone near me, or allow anyone to touch me since the night Rome died. I haven't been able to think of anything but him. But right now I just want to turn off all thoughts about anything, and just feel the warmth of his hand on my face.
My breathing finally evens out and I can feel my heart rate slow as well. Abel lies me down, and covers me with the blanket. He leans forward and kisses my cheek. As I feel him move away to get up my eyes shoot open, and my hand clasps onto his. "Please." my word comes out just above a whisper. my throat too sore to speak any louder.
"What is it, Baby? Do you want me to stay a little longer?" I shake my head. "Stay the night?" I nod my head to his mind link. "Okay, if you're sure?" I nod again. He smiles and climbs under the blankets. He extends his arm to me. without thought I lift my head for him to slip it under me. Once he lays his head on the pillow I move toward him and burrow into his side, laying my head on his chest and wrap my arm around his waist.
I don't know if its the fact that I finally let it all out, and verbalized my feelings, Or maybe it's because I found out that even when I thought I was alone all this time that Abel has been here every night, or if it's the mate bond with Abel. But for the first time in a month my mind is finally quiet and at peace.
Abels broad arms wrap around me like a weighted blanket, anchoring me down. I feel a calming hum vibrate around me. I feel grounded for the first time in such a long time. Concentrating on just the hum and nothing else, for the first time in a month at least; I slip into darkness and fall asleep peacefully
