The Hell We've Been Through

Waverly

“She’s changed.” I tried so hard to act normal, act the same as always, but how can I act fine when I’m not?

I trusted him. I trusted him as my best friend. But it was that trust that ruined me. Why do I trust people? Why do I still trust people after all I’ve been through? Maybe it’s just that I’m stupid. Or maybe it’s that I’m desperate to lean on someone after being hurt again and again. Even now, I was making excuses for myself. It was just a dream. I had just imagined it all. A horrible, painful dream.

But dreams can be woken up from. I couldn’t wake up from reality.

All those documentaries, all those stories on the news – they all seemed so far-fetched. As if someone had just made them all up. It seemed so impossible, with today’s society. And yet it happened to me. I shouldn’t have trusted him. I should never have. Why now though? We had been best friends for five years. Five damn years, and then he does this to me. What was all it for? Why was I such close, inseparable friends with him? How long… how long had he been planning to do something like this to me?

I don’t know. I didn’t have any answers, and I could never ask him. Why did he do that to me? How could he?

I thought it was a dream. I really did. Perhaps a nightmare. It felt so unreal, so unrealistic and impossible that maybe I was trying to convince myself that night hadn’t happened.

But I knew it had happened. Especially when I saw Daniel at school the next week.

“Waverly, are you okay?” Susie asked me, looking uneasy.

No. I’m not okay.

I nodded.

“It’s just that you’re acting really… different.” Susie pursed her lips. “Are you still mad that I ruined your art project two weeks ago? I didn’t mean to, well – kinda, but seeing you this mopey and all down is really depressing, you know.”

I looked at her for a moment, then shook my head. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it faltered. Maybe that’s why I looked away.

I arrived at school. Mrs Tren dropped me and Susie off, and Susie left towards her grade two classroom after giving me a worried glance.

I looked up at the tall school building before me. It was… menacing, somehow. I never loved school, but today, I was really dreading it. How… how would I act when I meet Daniel again?

“Waverly!” shivers ran down my spine. I whipped around, praying that I had been mistaken, that it wasn’t who I thought it was – but it was. It was Daniel.

He ran up to me, his usual smile on his face. A smile I couldn’t return.

“Waverly? What’s wrong?” Daniel asked, his face filled with genuine concern. Or maybe it’s not genuine. Maybe he’s still fooling me.

I clenched my fists and glared up at him. Why are you pretending that nothing happened? Why are you pretending as though you hadn’t done those things to me? How can you still smile at me after knowing full well the pain you caused me?

But I said nothing. Instead, I began to hyperventilate. My mind spun as memories of that night rushed back. My chest tightened. My heart clenched. My entire body retracted and I stumbled back.

“No one will believe you.”

“You can’t do anything.”

“No one will save you.”

His voice. His face. His words. But at the same time, it wasn’t him. That night, it wasn’t him. Daniel wasn’t like that. Even now, he wasn’t like that.

I had to tell someone. I wanted to tell someone. But his words rang out in my head. He was right, as much as I didn’t want him to be – no one would believe me. My best friend of five years, whom my own family welcomed as one of their own, wouldn’t do anything like that to me.

I had imagined it. That night had never happened. I was just hallucinating. Daydreaming. Having a nightmare. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. But as I looked up at Daniel’s face, I noticed one thing – three red lines running from his ear to the bottom of his jaw. I remembered raking my nails down his face that night as I desperately tried to fight him off. Hallucinations… couldn’t hurt people.

So it had been real. But it couldn’t have been real. Daniel wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. He would never. He wasn’t like that. Yet it had happened. That night, he had been someone I didn’t recognize. A monster.

I opened my mouth to speak. My vision was blurring. I tried to speak, but my throat hurt. It hurt so much. Or maybe I imagined that pain too? I grabbed my neck. My fingers brushed against my sweater – my turtleneck. I remembered looking into the mirror before going to school, trying to hide the bruises on my neck beneath my turtleneck sweater.

I saw Daniel reach towards me, a look on his face that I couldn’t recognize. I didn’t want to recognize it. My gaze flickered to his hand – that same hand, that same hand had squeezed my wrist until I couldn’t move. Strangled me until I couldn’t breathe. Pinned me down while I screamed. Covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream.

I wacked his hand away, staggering backwards with a hand over my mouth. No. Daniel was someone I trusted. Someone who could be trusted. He would never. He would never.

Yet he did.

I opened my mouth. Since that night, I had barely been able to say anything. My throat always burned whenever I tried. But my voice came out loudly this time.

“You fucker! You asshole! Die! Die! Fucking die!” I screamed, throwing my hands towards him trying to hit him. He caught my hands, holding them loosely but enough to restrain me.

“Waverly? Are you okay?” He asked.

“No! Fucking no! I’m not fucking okay! You know why! Fuck you! Go to hell! Go die! Trash! Ass! Fucker! Don’t fucking touch me!” I wrenched my hands from his grip, slapping him across the face.

I stood in silence for a moment. I was panting, my throat burning from the sudden strain of my voice, but my body unwilling to move. Daniel turned towards me, and I flinched at seeing his red cheek. That… wasn’t even enough for what he did to me.

I pulled out a pen knife from my bag. I wanted to kill him. If he wouldn’t go to hell himself, I’d send him there.

Die. Die. Please, die.

I could hear other students yelling as soon as I pulled out the pen knife. Could a pen knife kill a person? I was about to find out.

I rushed towards him, brandishing the pen knife rashly and swinging it at him. Even Daniel was surprised – I had always been someone reasonable and rational. I always thought my words and actions through before acting on them.

So that was exactly why I was trying to kill him. I had thought it through. I didn’t care if I went to jail. I was wanted that fucker dead.

But what if I was wrong? What if I had imagined that night? What if… what if it had just been a hallucination? A dream? A trick of my mind? Then I would be unreasonably just killing my best friend.

Best friend. Could he even be called that after what he did to me? No. I wanted him dead. Hallucinations couldn’t hurt me. Dreams couldn’t hurt me. It had really happened. I really had been raped by my best friend that night. And yet, I kept doubting myself. By killing Daniel, perhaps I could get rid of my doubts. Perhaps I could have peace of mind knowing that my rapist was dead.

But still, I hesitated and dropped the pen knife.

“Waverly! Stop!” I began to hear things around me again. I looked around at the crowd that had formed, some people rushing towards me to try stop me.

The world seemed to slow down.

Ah. I see. I understand what Daniel meant. I slumped slightly. No one will believe me. No one. Not a single person. They will see me as the crazy bitch and Daniel as the poor victim… no one will believe a word I say.

It had truly been stupid to try to kill Daniel. Truly. Yet I didn’t regret it. Not even as Daniel’s friends tackled me to the ground. Not even as people began whispering. Not even as I fell unconscious.

~~~

“Waverly, what happened?” Bailey asked me.

I didn’t meet her gaze. How could I? Surely she too wouldn’t believe me. Ever.

“Waverly. I know you can hear me.” Bailey repeated, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

An image of that night flashed before my eyes, and before I knew it, I had retracted my hand from Bailey’s grip. I looked up at her with wide, scared eyes, half-expecting it to be Daniel. Daniel, that fucker. But it was still Bailey. Bailey, with startled, wide eyes.

My entire figure slumped, and I curled up on my bed.

From the day I attacked Daniel, I had been suspended from school. It should have been an expulsion, perhaps I should have even been arrested, but Daniel convinced the principal otherwise. I don’t know why he stood up for me after what he did. Perhaps he enjoyed seeing my feeble attempts to ruin him. Even now, if he was before me again, I would still punch him. But as much as I wanted to, I was afraid. Afraid of Daniel. He had hurt me so much that night, and scars ran deep.

“I… I don’t know what’s going on,” Bailey sighed. “But I’m right here if you ever need me. You don’t have to tell me anything. But I’ll be here for you. If you tell me your secret, or whatever it is, I won’t tell anyone. I swear on my grandmother’s necklace.”

I flinched. Hailey treasured her grandmother’s necklace. It was as precious to her as her life. Her grandmother had been like a mother to her, especially since her real mother was a drug addict, and when her grandmother died just a month ago, Hailey held on tightly to her grandmother’s last keepsake, that necklace.

I looked to her, searching her eyes for insincerity, mocking, joking, or anything – but I found none. I opened my mouth. I wanted to tell her. I’ve always wanted to tell someone. From the moment it happened until now. But no one would believe me. Whenever I wanted to tell someone, Daniel’s words that night would ring in my head.

“No one will believe you.”

I pursed my lips. Daniel too had looked sincere. Always. His eyes never wavered. His gaze was always honest and kind. Even after that night, even when I had come at him with a pen knife, his eyes remained the same. Sincere. Honest. Everything he wasn’t. What a good liar he was.

I closed my eyes, turning away from Bailey. I had mistakenly trusted Daniel. I thought I could trust someone like him – someone who’s been with me for five damn years. But I had been wrong. So, so wrong. I couldn’t trust him. I shouldn’t have. So I couldn’t trust Bailey. Nor could I trust anyone else.

Besides, she’d never believe me.

No one would.

“Please, Waverly, talk to me. Please, please.” Bailey begged. Her voice cracked. I whipped around to see her crying. “Waverly, please. This isn’t like you at all. What happened? What happened a week ago? You always are reasonable. So why? What happened? Please, you can tell me. You can trust me. I’ll never tell another living soul. Please. What would it take me to make you believe me?”

Bailey was crying. Crying over… me. Who else cried over me? Who else would? At my funeral someday, who would cry? Who would mourn over me? Who would grieve my death? No one. That was what I always thought. But Bailey was crying over me now.

Tell her. Tell her, just move your lips and tell her. I begged myself silently, but my body betrayed me. You can’t trust her. She will betray you. She will betray you just like how Daniel did. You can’t trust her. Not her, not anyone. They will never believe you. She may look sincere, but Daniel did too. You can’t trust her.

I began shaking violently, sobs coursing through my entire body. I curled up on my bed. I was helpless. Broken. So tired of trying to – wanting to – tell people, but not being able to. I could never tell anyone. No one would believe me. I couldn’t trust anyone. I had trusted Daniel. And now I saw how that turned out.

I felt Bailey put an arm around me. Bailey leaned on my shoulder, her arm shaking too. “Waverly… if someone like you tried to stab Daniel, I’m sure you have a good reason. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I’m so sorry…”

I sniffled. I was killing myself by doing this. But… but perhaps I wanted to kill myself. Perhaps that would solve everything. Perhaps dying would make everything better. I didn’t care how it happened – I just wanted to die.

“B-Bailey…” I murmured. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you.”