Prologue
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”– Anatole France.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
October 2012
You crossed your ankles, straightened your skirt, and continued to hold eye contact with Director Adam Wallace, the ViCAP unit director for the FBI. He cleared his throat, continuing his ramble. This was surely not the way you had expected your first day back at work to end.
“I think it’s in your best interest to transfer units. You are such a strong agent and I know you continue to pass your psychological evaluations. I also know you’ve taken multiple bouts of time off to heal. All of that is great and you have been a valuable asset to our team the past 3 years, but Y/L/N, I am still concerned about your field actions going forward. Your last case...” He paused to look down at the floor, shaking his head. You could see the grief momentarily dance across his eyes.
He continued speaking, his tone strong and firm, erasing any trace of grief. “Your last case cost us a lot based on your selfish actions. I know you came back expecting to continue ViCAP work, and I think you should know that the court case has been managed and cleared as of two weeks ago. However, there have been serious consequences to our unit throughout this entire process and I am asking you to transfer units.”
Fury raged through your body as he spoke. He had no idea what it was like, trying to continue working in the field after all the trauma. He had no idea how hard you had been trying to heal; how hard you continued to work and move forward despite everything. It enraged you that it hadn’t been enough. He really didn’t understand that your so-called selfish actions 7 months ago were just you trying to be the best agent you could be at the time.
You opened your mouth to protest, but he continued speaking in his firm tone, leaving no room for it. You pushed the fury down and continued listening. It was no use. You could explain yourself a million times and it wouldn’t change anything.
“I’m asking you to transfer to Virginia to work with the Behavioral Analysis Unit. They have an opening, and after speaking with Director Cruz and Director Lang, we all agree this is the best course of action, both for you individually, and for our ViCAP team here in Chicago. I’ve spoken with Agent Prentiss, the BAU unit chief, and she agrees. We all want to give you one last chance, as we value your work, but Y/L/N, I am telling you, one more wrong move and you are done. Is that clear?” His dark brown eyes stared straight into yours, narrowing as to try and increase his intimidation. It did not work. Anger and rage were the only things bubbling up at this moment.
You nodded, trying to keep your composure. “Yes sir. Thank you.” All you wanted to do was jump up with desperate cries of defense to explain yourself and your actions, but you remained seated, falsely projecting a calm and collected demeanor.
You would simply move forward and move on from the horrors you experienced, just like everyone else did; just like everyone else expected you to. That was the thing with working for the FBI...your job came first regardless of anything else. It wasn’t right, and you knew that deep down, but it was all you had known the past 3 years. You couldn’t justify quitting this job that you were so passionate about simply because a couple things misaligned with the way you thought they should be.
“Prentiss is expecting you two weeks from today. Your files and information are sealed and confidential; the paperwork cleared today, and the case has been dismissed. Prentiss will know minimal information about the circumstances, per FBI policies. Cruz will call you tonight with logistics for the transfer. I wish you the best of luck, Y/L/N.” You nodded again and mumbled more thank yous, tainted with the brim of anger.
Wallace stood up and walked towards the door, signaling the end of your conversation. You followed him and continued out the door and down the stairs, landing at your empty desk. You swiped up your go-bag from the floor, which now also contained the contents of your desk and walked towards the ViCAP unit exit.
You were secretly grateful that the rest of your team members had already left for the day as you didn’t need anyone else witnessing this last painful stretch of being transferred. This team had been your family for the past 3 years and all of that was being ripped from your grasp in pursuit of “your best interest”, as Wallace had put it. But how could you blame him? It was merely in pursuit of the ViCAP’s best interest and their best name, honestly. You had basically destroyed the whole entire team, including yourself. Coming back today had been painful and awkward, and you knew there was no going back to the way things had previously been.
You continued to push down all of the thoughts and emotions swirling rapidly in your mind. It didn’t matter what you felt. It didn’t matter at all. You were now moving forward in desperate hopes of repairing any damage done and just forgetting everything. You wanted so badly to have a fresh start and this transfer was sure to give you that. There was a small twinge of gratitude that washed through you, thinking about a fresh start.
As you walked out the doors of ViCAP, you promised yourself that as you moved forward you wouldn’t look back. You didn’t need that interfering with your life any more than it already had. You didn’t need all those wretched memories staining every step of your life anymore. You didn’t need those ghosts chasing you day after day.
You promised yourself healing and growth as you tried to push the last 8 months down and out of your mind. As much as you hated this transfer, as much as you hated dealing with and thinking about what your life had become because of that, the feeling that Wallace was right, that this was “in your best interest,” clawed at the back of your mind, leaving claw marks of resentment, grief and anger lingering in its way
