Chapter 1
Diana
“Nooo, noo… don’t leave me… you promised” I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat. I pushed away the blanket, checking the alarm clock…it stated 4 am. That’s just… great. Another sleepless night.
I sighed, trying to remember when was the last time I slept all night. Probably that happened when Lucas was still alive. I pushed myself out of the bed and went to the walking closet so I could get his sweater. Some nights, that was the only way to calm myself down and go back to sleep. I inhaled his scent and my tears started rolling. How could he do this to me? How could he die? How could he leave me alone?
Every night for the past year was the same. I drank myself to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night after having nightmares. I should”ve gotten used to it, but I hadn’t. I felt broken and empty.
The first couple of months I was in shock, I refused to believe that Lucas was really dead. Every time I woke up from my nightmares, I went searching for him. I never expected Lucas to die, but he did and left me damaged.
Instead of getting married and starting out our new life that day, I told him goodbye forever.
I closed my eyes, trying to push back those memories. The sound of the alarms when I answered the phone in the middle of the night followed by Mark’s voice on the phone telling me it was a car accident and…the love of my life being dead would haunt me forever..
After I tossed and turned for the hundredth time, I threw away the blanket, forcing myself to forget, but I couldn't.… All the love I had for him made me sour, angry, frustrated…I would never forgive him for leaving me.
After contemplating what to do, I finally got out of bed and walked to the bathroom to turn on the water.
My reflection in the mirror made me shake my head. I used to be a happy, bubbly person who adored being around people. I loved to sing and dance, but most of all, I used to love laughing.
Now I was just a shell of the person I used to be. My face was pale, while my eyes were red from too much crying. Dark circles were always present under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I looked thin and tired and, to be honest, I couldn't remember when was the last time I ate. I brushed my hair with my fingers, frustrated. I need to start living and let go of the past.
This past year since Lucas died, I have been focusing on keeping myself busy. A couple of months before we were supposed to get married, I bought a small inn that was closing. When Lucas died, I invested everything I had, money, time, myself. Now I just sold it to a hotel chain and tripled my original investment. I should be happy because that was the plan all along, but I couldn't.
I turned the water off, stepping out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel. I had to find a new project. I need to keep myself busy so I didn't go crazy, or feeling like I moved on with my life.
I entered the bedroom, picking up my phone from the nightstand. I started scrolling down my email when one title caught my attention. It was from a Mr Arthur who was selling his hotel.
I opened and read it carefully. After checking the balance sheets, I understood why they needed to sell. The hotel was on the edge of bankruptcy. From the photos attached, I could see that the rooms needed a serious upgrade, but I had a good feeling about it.
I went through the balance sheet again, carefully making some estimates when I decided I should take the risk. There was one problem, though: I had to move away. Leave the city, leave the house, leave the memories…
The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was something I had to do.
I couldn’t keep living in this city where we met or in this house where we planned our life together. Everything around me reminded me of him and no matter how hard I tried, a part of me would love him forever while the other would never forgive him for being reckless and getting himself killed.
Staying here was like living a ghost life and I had to find myself. I needed to heal.
I walked inside the walking closet, and I found myself staring at Lucas's clothes. His fragrance was fading out, just like his memory. I dressed myself in a pair of green shorts and a black tank top. My hair was wet and the water drops were all over the place. I patted the towel a couple of times before I pulled it into a bun.
I took a box, and I started packing his stuff. I was sure his parents would want them. I kept only his lucky sweater. It was a gift from me. I got it as a present for our first Christmas together.
With every item I packed, I felt a little bit stronger. I was saying goodbye to him like I had never had a chance to tell him personally.
After finishing packing Lucas's items, I moved to my own. There was nothing here I wanted to take with me. Everything here reminded me of him and the dreams that would never come true.
I never liked clothes, so I didn’t have too many. I owned a black pencil skirt and a green shirt that I usually wore to business meetings, and a black dress. The rest were jeans and casual shirts. After looking around for a couple more minutes, I started packing my items. Except for the pencil skirt and the green shirt I would pack, I would donate everything else.
Once I got settled, I would buy new clothes. New city, new clothes, new life and a new me. A “me” without a past and definitely without ghosts.
Finishing boxing everything, I heard my stomach complaining. I guess it was time to eat. I moved towards the kitchen prepping my coffee, when I remembered I had a blueberry muffin left somewhere in the cabinet. It was funny how my favorite meal, breakfast, became a burden. It was a constant reminder that I was alive.
I checked my wristwatch and decided it was time to get dressed and leave to get myself a hotel.
