Chasing Shadows

I don’t want to die a virgin. I’ve always thought about having sex, but never much beyond that. I just want to have my own child and vanish forever from the man’s life.

The thing is, I don’t want to end up with any diseases because I haven’t been responsible enough for my life choices. I have never dreamt of doing something I would regret at the end of the day. So, today, I’m thinking of going to a fertility clinic. If I ever decide to go that route, I’d want the person who wants to get intimate with me to get tested first. But hey, I don’t want to seem like I’m being too picky or judgmental, so I’d rather go for the safest option I can think of.

I am already twenty-eight and financially stable.

I want a child of my own because I know I can raise one and be the mom I never had. My best friends suggest adoption, and I’ve got nothing against it, but I personally want to experience pregnancy—feeling a baby bump and having unusual food cravings. As someone who watched the movie Orphan, I admit I have some hesitations. Although I can investigate the child’s background and the family they come from, I still have a strong desire to carry and birth a child. I don’t know, but there’s just something about being pregnant that I really want to go through.

“Are you already sure about this, woman?” My childhood best friend, Wesley, greets me with a frown as I reach their clinic. I am scheduled to meet his wife today, who also happens to be our best friend.

“Do you really have to ask me a million times? You’ve been asking me since we were twenty, Welly.” I roll my eyes.

That’s right! This isn’t a hasty decision. I’m not one to act impulsively. I take my time, carefully considering my options. In fact, I’m the type of person who would even wait for a year to make a purchase after initially expressing interest in shopping for new things, just to ensure I wouldn’t experience any misgivings about my selections. So, let me propose this: While it’s true that anyone can become a mother, not everyone embraces the true essence of being a mom or mama. That’s what sets my aspiration apart. I’ve devoted years to pondering this, recognizing that it goes beyond mere parenthood.

“Okay, whatever,” he opens the door on the left side of the hallway where a nameplate is hanging.

Dr. CharlotteHemmingsSomerset, Ph.D.

Fertility Specialist

Reproductive Endocrinologist, MD

I smile. This is it!

“Poppy!” Charlotte throws herself towards me when she sees me and gives her husband a peck on the lips. “Have a seat, Pop!” She motions me to the swivel chair and places her palms together on the desk that separates us, while Welly sits across from me.

“And why are you here?” I lift a brow at him.

“What do you mean, why am I here? Like, my cousin didn’t just decide she wants to build a family with no father at all.”

Yeah, he isn’t just a friend. Wesley is actually my first cousin, and they own this huge fertility clinic and the renowned sperm bank next to this building. It’s quite convenient having family involved in this process. But the truth is, only he and his wife, Charlotte, know what I’m truly up to.

I plan to inform the rest of the family once I return. I want them to believe that I’m having a romantic encounter during my upcoming trip. I’m tired of them teasing me for not being able to even make a man like me when it’s my prerogative not to get with a man because it’s just words these days just because they had a penis and are born males, so I’m going to surprise them with my planned pregnancy.

“Are you saying it takes a father to create a family?”

“It’s not like that, Poppy. But a child needs a father. How are you going to explain that to him when he grows up?”

I snort. It’s better than this, and he just wouldn’t understand. I’m about to respond when Charlotte clears her throat. “Hey, you guys. Enough of that.” She extends her arms to hold her husband’s hand, pinching his palm. “We’ve already talked about this, babe, haven’t we? We’re going to support her, no matter what. And it’s not like she woke up yesterday and suddenly decided to have a baby today, right? Let’s not dwell on ‘what ifs’ at this point. We agreed to focus on everything related to this process. Let’s talk about the present, shall we?”

Exactly!

Welly nods, like a baby. “I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you, Poppy Grace.”

I grimace. “First of all, eww.” He’s always like that with his wife, and it’s normal as they say. But who can stop me from feeling disgusted, anyway? Plus, he calls me Poppy Grace? Should I consider getting baptized again? It’s Mom’s fault. She shouldn’t have mentioned yesterday that she used to think Poppy Grace Somerset would suit me.

“But you have nothing to worry about, Well. It has always been just me, and it’s not like I can’t afford the expenses and everything. I’ve come here fully prepared. As a matter of fact, I’ve been preparing for this since I turned nineteen. And if your concern is him asking about his father, I can simply tell him that his father passed away.”

“And you don’t have a picture of him? May I just remind you that you’ve never had a boyfriend, Penelope Olivia Primrose Elizabeth Yvonne Somerset?”

“You don’t have to be that mean, Wesley Hugh Somerset! I can just tell him there was a typhoon, or a hurricane, tornado, or whatever you’d like, that ended his father’s life and destroyed the house we used to live in, leaving nothing but me and him in my tummy.”

Charlotte laughs. “Okay, before this goes too far and you two end up fighting again, let’s get back on track. I’d like to start by asking, have you chosen the donor yet?”

“Yes, I have.”

Two months ago, when I finally made up my mind, the first person I called was Charlotte. It was a long debate with her and Wesley, but I still got the catalog the other day because I am Penelope. And what Penelope wants, Penelope gets.

There are lots of sperm banks and fertility clinics out there, and it would be a shame if one were to find out that a Somerset went for their service, as if the ones within the family she’s in aren’t able to meet her needs.

“That’s great to hear, Poppy! I’m glad you found a donor who aligns with your preferences. Could you provide me with the donor’s identification number or any other relevant details so that I can access their profile?”

Charlotte’s fingers start hovering over her 27-inch iMac.

“Sure, the donor’s identification number is SCID1882.”

I spent the whole two months studying all the donors’ catalogs, and Mr. 1882 just met the requirements I set for a father-to-be. Based on the information that I have gathered from it, he was a six-foot-tall man. I’m not just sure if he is a man with balls or if he just prefers dating women and fucking them and running away like a father. But he is English, and he has ocean blue eyes and a slim, athletic build. He’s probably doing vigorous exercise or is an actual athlete.

He hails from the University of St Andrews in Fife, Scotland, where he graduated in Medicine and Health Sciences with an outstanding 17.5 grade point average. He then pursued a Master of Science in Global Health at the prestigious University of Cambridge, followed by the successful completion of his Ph.D. in Global Health. Currently, he holds a position at the World Health Organization while also serving as a part-time tutor at the same university.

Despite his family having a history of heart disease, he has maintained good health. He has not undergone any surgeries related to heart disease or any other medical conditions. Additionally, genetic testing and infectious disease screening have confirmed that he does not have any infectious diseases.

“Oh wow, you’ve got a taste, Momma,” Charlotte smirks. “Did you know that the reason why he chose to sell sperm was because, first, he knew its importance in assisted reproductive technologies? His main reason, though, was simply wanting to help others fulfill their dreams of starting a family. Isn’t that sweet?”

For sure, as long as he can contribute to the looks and the brain as well, since I can do anything other than math, and I’m afraid we will both end up in the corner of the house, crying about his math homework, then we’re good to move forward. I need the additional intelligence that this donor can provide for my child.

I’ll take care of the rest. Kids, after all, are not created; they are made. They are molded or shaped by the environment around them, and I am determined to give him the life I have always wanted as a child. There’s no way he can possibly go through what I did.

“I don’t know what that means, but I don’t care. And I like that you called me Momma. I’m so ready to be pregnant, Charlotte. If you only knew.”

“Believe me, she knew,” Wesley shakes his head.

“I know,” and I flip my hair. “Anyway, are we considering a cesarean?”

Charlotte pauses, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Well, it really depends. If there aren’t any complications or indications that would require a C-section, we can aim for a normal delivery. But hey, if you feel strongly about having a cesarean, we can definitely discuss it further. Your preference matters to us, but generally, if there’s no medical need, we do encourage vaginal delivery as it’s a natural process with a quicker recovery. With a C-section, there are potential risks like infection, blood loss, blood clots, and possible complications in future pregnancies. Plus, the recovery period tends to be longer compared to vaginal delivery. However, if you’ve weighed these factors and still have a strong preference for a cesarean, we can delve deeper into it and assess your specific circumstances.”

On the other hand, vaginal delivery does come with the risk of tearing or the need for an episiotomy, which is a surgical cut to widen the vaginal opening. It can also involve longer labor, potential injuries to the pelvic floor muscles, and a slightly lengthier recovery, especially if there are complications like shoulder dystocia or the need for instrumental delivery. Honestly, I’m a bit concerned about how my body will handle it.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about it now. I’m scared. At least I have to admit that to myself.

“I see,” But I should be ready. There might not be a better time to discuss this than today. My excursion to Italy is fast approaching, and I really want to be pregnant while I’m there. “I’ll go with a normal delivery.” In spite of its challenges, I am dead serious when I say I want everything to be safe. I am also fit and healthy, so a C-section shouldn’t be a problem. But then again, the former option seems much safer than the latter for both me and my soon-to-be baby. According to my research last night, a C-section is only considered safe if the baby is in the wrong position.

I know I don’t have to ask. I already have the answer even before all of this, but I have to hear some thoughts about it, especially from a professional because I’m going to carry a life within me.

“Alright then, that’s great!” Charlotte exclaims. “Now all I have to do is review this donor’s credentials and medical information. I’ll need to examine the compatibility first between their characteristics and your specific needs. Once approved, we can move forward with the fertilization process. That means we’ll just keep you updated. We’ll call you again, Poppy.”

“What? No way!” I groan. I can’t go to Italy without being fertilized, and I can’t postpone it either. I need to unwind as soon as possible, and I need it with a fetus inside me that’ll eventually give me bumps when developing.”

“Poppy, you cannot rush something like this,” Wesley intrudes.

“But I have reviewed the catalog myself!”

“Poppy, we have to be certain about everything. That’s how it works, okay?”

I understand; I just hate it. I should’ve known.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Poppy, you only asked for a catalog to be delivered to you in France, and then you hung up with an email that had a threatening tone. Charlotte sent you a message on what to expect, but you only responded with ‘whatever.’ I don’t think you even read it, which I believe is now proven you haven’t.”

“Fine, whatever,” I roll my eyes again. “So, what do I do now?”

“Wait for the result from this, Poppy,” Charlotte answers. “But in the meantime, you might want to consider discussing the different types of fertilization available.”

“Yeah, whatever. Spill it.”

“Okay, so there are a few options. The most common methods include intrauterine insemination or IUI and in vitro fertilization or IVF,” Charlotte begins.

“Tell me about it.”

“Certainly. In IUI, we prepare the sperm sample and insert it directly into your uterus during your fertile period. This helps increase the chances of fertilization.”

“Great, now what about VIF?”

“IVF,” Wesley corrects me.

“Sure, whatever.”

Charlotte chuckles. “IVF involves retrieving eggs from your ovaries and combining them with the donor sperm in our laboratory. After fertilization occurs, we transfer the resulting embryos to your uterus, where implantation can take place.”

“I see, but I read there are three.”

“Yes, there is,” says Wesley. “We call it Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection or ICSI. It is used when there are specific male infertility issues. It involves injecting a single sperm directly into each egg to aid fertilization. It’s particularly helpful when the sperm has difficulty penetrating the egg naturally.”

“How will I go from there? I mean, how will I know what’s best for me, or if I can just choose from it like how I picked the catalog?”

“The choice depends on various factors, such as your fertility status, medical history, and the recommendations of your healthcare team. We’ll evaluate your specific situation and discuss the best approach to maximize your chances of success. Once we’ve determined the most suitable method, we’ll create a treatment plan tailored to your needs. This plan includes the timing of the insemination or fertilization procedure, any necessary medications, and regular monitoring throughout the process.”

“Fascinating,” I purse my lips. “Well then, I’ll wait for your email.”

I rise from my seat.

“And where are you going now?” Wesley’s brow furrows.

“Going home? I’ll probably do all this once I get back from Italy,” I shrug. There’s always a chance of a change of plan. I might just book another flight, probably to Scotland, once everything’s settled here. Let it be my last day before becoming a parent.

A few years from now, I’ll have my little me with me, and I can’t be more excited. I know I’ll love being a mom. I already feel love for my kids, even though I haven’t become pregnant with them yet, and it’s amazing. I can no longer wait to finally see, touch, and kiss them in my arms.

I promise I’ll be the best mom ever.